Supernatural, Ep. 8x15 "Man's Best Friend With Benefits" Is A Dog

Okay, I knew the awesomeness of the past few episodes couldn't last, and it was time for a stand-alone episode. But this stand-alone should have been stood. Alone. Preferably in a storage locker.

First, let me confess: I liked “Shut Up, Dr. Phil.” Although I couldn’t understand why the boys didn’t say, “Hey, you’re powerful creatures, come along and help!” James Marsters could paralyze Leviathans! Although that would have eliminated the rest of the season. But since it was Season 7, would that have been such a bad thing?

This episode was so offensive on so many levels and repetitive on others. It’s telling when the only thing you enjoy in the entire episode is the discussion about Shemp and Curly! (For the record, Shemp grosses me out, and Curly was a fucking genius. So there.)

The Plot:

James, a baby-faced cop who turned witch after meeting the Winchesters, is having dreams about murders, and is apparently committing them in his sleep. (Have we seen this before? Please tell me in the comments.) A beautiful Doberman, with cropped ears, cropped tail and a red studded collar shows up at the Winchester’s motel room. Sam lets the dog in, petting it and giving it a belly rub. When Dean returns, the dog has turned into a gorgeous black woman. Wearing a red studded collar. Cue for my first “are they serious?” moment? Even more so because she is Baby Face’s familiar, and come on, we all know what that is. Sam and Dean don’t? Second “are they serious?” moment. This is in the same league with neither Sam nor Dean noticing their grandfather's initials in that journal Dean's been toting around his entire life. James is white, Portia is black, she’s basically his slave in a collar. Third “are they serious? Slavery references? WTF?”

When a familiar isn't a dog, she has to dress like a hooker.

The show tries to get around the obvious by saying that Portia and her Massa—excuse me, Master—have a relationship of equals, even though she has to do whatever James commands. Fourth: “are you serious? What are the black viewers thinking? Now I’m not only offended, I’m sick to my stomach.” Portia and Master have broken the rules of the witch community and entered into a sexual relationship—ACCK EW EW EW I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS OH MY FUCKING GOD—

Ahem. I find it problematic. TBH, back in the day I knew a gentleman who had a sexual thing with his two Dobermans. When he brought home a male companion, he had to lock the door because the Dobermans would try to get in and kill the guy. Also, this link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/21/kara-vandereyk-las-vegas-woman-sex-with-pitbull-police_n_2732966.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

(Question: why were Dog!Portia’s ears and tail cropped? Doberman puppies have their tails cut off by the time they’re three days old, and the ear cropping takes weeks. Did Portia have to stay a dog because if she transitioned to human form the bandages would fall off? Discuss.)

Let’s cut to the chase. We meet the bad guy early on in the episode at a witch’s club. I mean, come on. He’s practically wearing a sign around his neck that says “EVILLLLL.”

Good evening, I'll be your villain tonight. If you can remember my name, you'll get 10% off on your entree.

There’s a red herring pissed off older cop who resents James’s rocketing up the police force ladder, but the red herring stinks as though it was laying out in the sun all afternoon. Portia, in human form, still wearing that goddamn collar, crawls on James, who is chained to the bed—don’t ask—and while they’re making out—ACK EEW YUCK—she sees that someone has implanted memories in James’s head.

I’m going to skip everything else because, oh, Dean sees his mother burning on the ceiling when he wasn’t in the goddamn room—otherwise it’s a cool sequence, forcing Sam and Dean to relive their worst moments and the viewer gets to enjoy some wonderful old footage of much better episodes.. Turns out Mr. EEVILLL wants to kill James because Mr. EEVILL wanted Portia for himself, and then got even more mightily pissed when James and Portia started banging each other. Portia attacks Mr. EEVIILLL after the latter has done the raising James to the ceiling helplessly trope. The way Crowley did to the would-be prophet a few episodes ago. I think like the Skinwalker/German Shepherd killed the bad guy in “All Dogs Go To Heaven.” Dean and Sam get the villain with a “witch bomb” and Mr. EEEEVILL dies an unexciting death, sort of like the chick in “Heartache.”

As often happens with people the Winchesters have contact with, Portia and James beat it out of town, the Doberman gazing sadly out of the window. Don’t worry, guys, you’ll find another motel room where you can soulmate your brains out.

Dean and Sam talk about their trust issues. Dean agrees to trust Sam. Sam coughs blood. Good times!

Stray observations, pardon the pun:

None. I’m trying to forget I ever saw this.

 

Quick! Burn the script!