Life's A Witch: Supernatural Review, 11x10, "The Devil In The Details"

This episode pissed me off enough to actually write a review!  Yeah, a lot of fans were creaming their jeans over badass!Sam (with hurt and blood); Cas/Dean, Mark Pellegrino, Dean DONTFUCKWITHMYBROTHER Winchester, and other stuff I can't remember or will mention farther down in my review.  There are spoilers.  Why do reviewers and recappers warn for spoilers?  What are they supposed to say: "Sam's in Hell. Dean finds him. Crowley's nasty, Lucifer's nastier, uh, that's all we can tell you.  Oh, the Darkness is in there somewhere."

Directed by Thomas J. Wright with a thoroughly uninspired script by Andrew Dabb, "The Devil In The Details" is as hokey as its title. Seriously, when the cold open is by FAR the best part of the episode, we are in trouble.

THE ROAD SO FAR:

Loud rock song, Winchesters killing stuff, Impala sliding, until they have to go into a buttload of exposition to get us to the present.

NOW:

Christmas morning!  Adorable Crowley in pajamas!  Rowena in antlers and a blinking red nose!  A Funko Sam!  Lucifer as Santa!  Satan Claus kills Crowley with a candy cane.  Crowley collapses, wheezing, "I've been a good boy..."! Turns out it's a recurring nightmare of Rowena's, but Lucifer shows up to free her!  IT IS AMAZING!


Sorry for the poor pic quality but this set was the only one that caught the epicness of Crowley in footie pajamas.

TITLE CARD!

Dang.  Lucifer and Sam in the Cage.  They never should have shown Sam's "vision" of the Cage.  It's so much cooler than this traveling circus lion cage crap.  Lucifer monologues to Sam about the world ending and Lucifer will torture Sam and Sam will say yes and Sam says no and we pretty much know enough to skip most of what goes down between them because that is Exactly.What.Happens.

Rowena is madly in love with Lucifer and intends to be his queen.  Crowley and Rowena fight--she threatens him that all he'll have for protection is Sam Winchester.  To quote Crowley in S6, "Am I the only one who doesn't underestimate those denim wrapped NIGHTMARES?"  (Hee!)  Since none of the heavenly/demonly characters have real powers any more, it's tossed aside that Crowley is the King Of Hell, a powerful demon, that he can snap in and out of anywhere...he's now just another actor with a stunt guy who's paid to be thrown across rooms.  And a character who has spent much of the season in a cheesy men's room with chipped tile.


Another epic moment. Too bad it's the last one.

Soon, Dean has to pull over to the side of the road to puke his guts out.  Have we only seen anyone barfing oncamera once in all this time?  Back when Dean had the MOC and wasn't killing anybody? But that went away in Season 10 and he didn't need to kill anyone. Just be an asshole.

Pimpmobile!  Yay!  I love the pimpmobile.  Cas runs to Dean and gently caresses him.  Dean pretends not to like it.


Smiting Sickness?  Is Can using that just to touch Dean?

"The last time there was a smiting this [whatever] Lot's wife turned into salt."  What?  Supernatural has been fucking around with the Bible forever.  But didn't Balthazar turn Raphael's vessel into salt with the heavenly weapon in S6?  MY HEAD IS EXPLODING AND IT'S ONLY TEN MINUTES IN.

Cas concerned blah blah Dean sick blah blah Cas goes off to search for Amara's body blah blah he used to be able to search entire states in a split second but now he's just a guy who glows once in a while.  Dark Forest of Doom and Destruction blah blah our angel boy runs into a little Stereotype Young Asian Girl With Glasses angel (who works in statistics, no less) who tells him they're both expendable Cas is bummed blah blah.  Unlike the last 7 seasons, Castiel has lost the ability to recognize angels by sight blah blah "we're expendable but Sam and Dean are the real heroes we're not superheroes but we do the job no big loss."

Are you shitting me?  You're talking to the angel who helped save the world?  Who turned into God?  Who helped kill Dick Roman, the head Leviathan?  Yeah, Castiel has been a bit of a wet washcloth recently, but he used to be a warrior until it was convenient that he's not.

Little angel finds Amara and in your basic horror movie trope AMARA IS ALIVE!  She sucks down little Stereotype Young Asian Girl With Glasses Angel's grace.  The Dark Forest of Doom becomes bright and shiny.


They brought in a writer from Law & Order to write Amara's lines.

 Cas confronts Amara, who snarks like a prostitute in a cheesy cop procedural.  “Seriously? I mean, Heaven brought the thunder and it barely even scratched my paint job. But you and a shiny knife, sure, that’s gonna work.”  She then gives Cas the "weak full of self loathing" blah blah blah same shit Dean's always getting wait a minute has Dean even been in this episode never mind Cas gets blown back to Hell where he gets to do his patented Cas Is About To Fall Over move.

She's carved I AM COMING into Castiel's chest.  But no, she doesn't mean she's going to do the dirty with Dean.


It's insane how much better this pic is than the episode.

Lucifer takes Sam back in time.  First to his first make-out session (COLIN FORD! COLIN FORD!) then to Stull Cemetery to relive Sam jumping into the Cage


"Wow, my face was so much fatter then!"
"You were doing steroids trying to get a movie part. Didn't pan out."
"Shut up. I only want to be in this show.  For the rest of my natural life."
"You have Stockhold Syndrome, Jared."

Lucifer takes Sam to Amelia.  We've all done our best to forget her.  (NO! MORE COLIN FORD!) The writers do a little fan-pleasing soft shoe.  Lucifer says "this is the worst thing you've ever done".  They do a retcon blah blah blah Sam isn't strong enough blah blah if I hear "not strong enough" I will shoot out my tv.  One more time a character lectures Sam about his "insane bond" with Dean.  Blood is coming out of my ears.  Hasn't anyone noticed that the Winchesters are basically conjoined twins?  You can't have one without the other?


The worst torture Lucifer devised--bringing back Samelia.

Dean has to sing "Camptown Ladies" (hee!) so that Billie The Reaper (wtf is it with this show tossing around Reapers/Angels/Demons together?) will let him into hell blah blah blah Dean does the "I'm going to Hell" soundbite on his phone.  Somehow, Dean's traumatic memories of 40 years in Hell have been erased and he trots on down.

Back to Lucifer monologuing (I love you, Mark Pellegrino but shut up).  Lucifer makes a throwaway joke about Michael--wait, isn't Michael supposed to be in the Cage?  Go jump off a cliff, writers. "We can beat her," Lucifer urges beautifully lit Sam.

Dean brings a Witchcatcher.  Crowley locks his mom in it.  This gives him complete power over her.  Has anyone else noticed that Dean has bupkus to do in this episode?  Rowena is forced to do a spell to extinguish Lucifer.  Wait, what?  Witchcraft can overcome THE DEVIL?  What bullshit is this?  Why not leave Luci in his Cage and do a spell on Sam that banishes the visions...too simple.  Sorry.


Dean: "I'll just wait here, then."

Sam rejects Lucifer, in the best dialogue in the episode: “My answer is ‘No.’ This isn’t cuz of Dean or the past. This is about me having faith in my friends, having faith in my family. We will find a way. I’m ready to die. And I’m ready to watch people I love die. But I’m not ready to be your bitch.”

So, Lucifer proceeds to beat the shit out of him.  Dean and Castiel show up, get zapped into the Cage, and Lucifer kicks their collective asses.


I so wish that was my hand in Sam's hair...


Lucifer pulls Supernatural's signature move.  Have the Winchesters ever thought of kicking the enemy in the chest? Just me?

Rowena's spell works, the Winchesters and Castiel leave Hell, but wait...Cas is acting strange!  The boys drive off.

Dumbass Cas has said yes to Lucifer.  Meanwhile, since Rowena has to do his bidding, Crowley asks his mother why she hates him. When she looks into this eyes, she sees the pathetic woman she was before magic: when he was born, his father went back to his wife, leaving her on her own. Most important, if she didn’t hate him, she’d love him, and love is a weakness.  Then Casifer/Lustiel shows up, comes on to Rowena and snaps her neck.  That's how it works in this show.  Help out a Big Bad and your delusional ass gets kicked out of the land of the living.

Misha does his best Mark Pellegrino impression, using his real voice.  He does the head tilt thing that he did as the Leviathan saying, "This is going to be so much fun".

Cue Supernatural echo bongoes, and we're done!

Random thoughts:

I'm bummed that Ruth O'Connell is leaving.

Isn't there anything that villains can do besides grabbing a Winchester's neck and lifting them off the ground?  Would levitating them cost too much?

When they do the big season montages, does anyone else notice that the killings look alike?  Exploding in smoke, exploding in fire, exploding?

Shout out to Lucifer's line about moving to LA and solving crimes. A nice shot at "Lucifer", which premieres next week on FOX. And features Satan as a police consultant. *snort*

Cas and Amara have no chemistry whatsoever.

Amara still needs a bra.

I miss Abbadon.

Mark Pellegrino is a better actor than Misha Collins.

Lucifer banged Sam during the latter's turn in Hell.  Does this mean Casifer seduces Dean?  Count me in.

NEXT WEEK:

Dee Wallace guest stars.  There are creatures.  Casifer swanks around.  Misha gets to use his real voice.

The Bad Script: Supernatural Review, Season 11 Episode 3, "The Bad Seed"

When star Jensen Ackles directs an episode, fans go into a frenzy of anticipation.  "Weekend At Bobby's" was one of the best episodes of the sixth season.  However, what's a director to do when he's working with a script written by Eugenie Ross-Leming and Brad Buckner?  The show might as well tied a rock around Ackles's neck and tossed him into the bay.  The episode is well done and there are some nice moments, but you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's anus.

Remember Demon Dean and how tasty that arc was, but it only lasted three episodes?  This season, it's Castiel and the attack spell, which isn't at all tasty and only lasts three episodes.  "Supernatural" has completely run out of ideas, so it recycles the old ones over and over.  Sometimes almost word for word. It's become the "Law & Order" of genre shows.  Nothing too unsettling, nice and comfortable.

The guys have so much fun at conventions, and no doubt they're making a shitload of money and drinking and saying swear words.  Then back to the old grind.  It shows.

THEN: 

Rowena turns Castiel into the world's least convincing attack dog; evil baby; the Darkness murmurs at Dean; Crowley makes off with Amara/The Darkness; of course angel torture since there won't be any torture this episode (insert joke here).

NOW:

Rowena lights a red candle and summons the last of the Grand Coven.  She announces that they will be the Mega Coven!  *snort*  She's so goofily enthusiastic about the name.  "Ah'm a forse ah nay-cher!" she announces later.  Has anyone else noticed all of her spells are Latin words that sound funny?


"I'm here to provide the only fun in this episode."

"The Bad Seed" was originally a movie in the 1950s, starring Patty McCormack as an angelic child who was actually a murderous maniac.  McCormack guest-starred in season 8's "Heartache."






Here's the thing--the best scenes are between Crowley and Amara, but they're stuffed with exposition and foreshadowing.  So much foreshadowing that Crowley comes off as a complete moron who can't see that The Darkness is totally uninterested in being evil or bonding with "Uncle Crowley".  By the end of the episode she's a testy teenager who demands, "FEED ME SEYMOUR".

We start in the bunker with Team Free Will.  Cas has  a blanket around him and occasionally sniffles and grunts to indicate the attack spell.  "It's getting worse," Sam mutters, referring to Cas's acting.  The effect of standing around being useless for three seasons is that Misha Collins has forgotten how to act.  Crazy Dangerous is clearly not in his toolbox.

Not only that, Castiel has a seizure.  Nobody should do seizures but Jared Padalecki.  He is the champion of seizures.

They exposition that  Metatron would know about the Darkness, being the Scribe and all.  I perk up.  METATRON!  I LOVE METATRON!  I might even watch an episode with Metatron.


Sam and Dean debate using Cas as a bouncy castle.

Sam ties tracking down accidents involving Cas's "crappy car."  Insulted, Cas asks, "You think it's crappy?" "Eye of the beholder," Dean answers. *snort*


"Who are you?"

"I'm you when you learn to tame those unruly curls.  And then take over the world."


Crowley tries to bond with Amara.  She is so obviously not having it.

Amara: God made a world where people have to suffer and then they die. But frankly, why would they want to live in such a world?
Crowley's all for the world becoming evil, but when she balks, he backs down.
Crowley: Actually, now I come to think of it, if everyone was dark and damned, it wouldn’t be much of a challenge. Watching a human reject the light and embrace depravity, yes, well, that’s where the gratification really is. It never gets old.
Amara: Good, evil, Heaven, Hell, people. It all seems so unimportant. (A/N: Uh-oh!)

Amara looks sad. I'm calling it now:  Amara is going to make the world over in her image rather than God's, which for some reason will be a terrible thing.  Perhaps lots more of nothing, so the whole world can be "peaceful".

In a repeat of a Season 5 scene when Zacharia bitches with an unknowing human about their crappy bosses, an angel and demon sit in a bar, bitching about their crappy bosses.  They talk about the lower ranks banding together and taking charge.  Who knows if that will be followed through? Or will it fall into the deep cavern of Dropped Plot Points?  Along with the Frankensteins, the escaped Thule, the bottles of souls all over the country--wait, couldn't Crowley find those and let Amara gulp them down?  Darkness fast food!

Sam and Dean find Rowena, handcuff her and convince her to remove the spell from Castiel.  This is a good thing in so many ways.


WHY DID WE ONLY GET FIVE SECONDS OF THIS?

There's a dungeon scene, more exposition, of course Castiel has broken free, because captives ALWAYS break free on this show.  Except Crowley.


Rowena is well aware she's the only entertaining part of this episode and overplays accordingly.

They go on the hunt for Castiel, who's lumbering like Frankenstein's monster, and snarling.  Jensen, are you pranking your co-star for our enjoyment?  'Cause it's working.


In which we discover the limits of Misha Collins's acting ability.

I don't know why director Ackles lets his co-star look so ridiculous, even if they were forced to do the 30,000th iteration of the "chasing random chick down an alley" scene.  Grunting, wheezing, lumbering, smashing a box for no reason, running after a random girl down an alley...it's pretty damn funny.  Random Chick pulls open the door to--what else--an empty warehouse.  For some reason Cas can't get the door open and Bangs Menacingly on it.  SUSPENSE! 

Castiel and Dean relive the smackdown in S5.  "Namaste!" Rowena commands.  Cas drops to the floor and has a seizure, once again taking over Sam's job.  "Conquistador!" she cries and the metal gate closes.

Back at the bunker.


"Let me love you!"

"No, you messed with the pretty.  I need to sulk."

"You two are adorable.  Seriously."

RANDOM

In Season 4, Zacharia said "God has left the building!" In Season 5, not only is there talk of the Apocalypse not being the first time God has given a "planetary enema" but also Joshua, the tender of the Garden of Eden, tells the Winchesters God feels that the Apocalypse is "not his problem".  So why should God give a fuck now?  Does God even exist?

Why is Crowley still in a men's room?

NEXT WEEK

The Impala.

Duck Dynasty: Review, Supernatural 10x21, "Dark Dynasty:

Eugenie Ross-Leming and Brad Buckner continue their soul-destroying run of terribly written episodes with "Dark Dynasty," sloppily directed by Bob Singer.




Basic rundown: Sam lies to Dean about book.  Actors with bad Southern accents have dumb conversation laden with "menace" that somehow reminds me of those cheap little cheese n' crackers you get at Gas n' Sips. Cut (literally) to the chase - the Dark Dynasty is the family of--dun dun dun--FRANKENSTEIN!

Oh, for fuck's sake.


Sam feels your pain


Can you believe this cheesy plot?
If we're German, why do we have these terrible Southern accents?


Because Bob Singer is pussy-whipped

Sam lies to Dean, gulping and twitching and holding up small signs that say, I'M LYING YOU IDIOT COULD I BE MORE OBVIOUS.


His lies are so bad they have flattened his hair

While Sam is conveniently in another room, one of the Frankensteins tells Dean the Book of the Damned is indestructable.  Jensen Ackles tries to look like he cares.


Wow, man, I'm destroyed inside.  Or not.

Aside: every time I hear it, Dean shouting "Charlie has the damned Book of The Damned?" it gets funnier.  And more annoying.  Couldn't they have left the first "damned" out?  Oh, wait, Eugenie Ross-Leeming and Brad Buckner.

Sam has gathered Rowena, Cas and Charlie into the Abandoned Brewery of Doom to crack the code of the code of the code of the Book of the Damned.  Rowena is the only enjoyable part of this, so I'm going to skip the rest.  Might as well tell you now, Charlie ends up dead.  No real reason.  She just ends up dead.  Robbie Thompson sobs in the corner.  But, you know, executive producer's wife.  So there.


One of us is gonna die, and it ain't gonna me.
They're saving you for the season finale.
Well, shit.


Rowena realizes that she's an older woman and an interesting character, so she's probably next.
Well, shit.



Meanwhile, to give Mark Sheppard something to do, Crowley talks to a hamster and learns that his mother had a demon lover  I mean whatever who cares how are you going to shoehorn that into the next two episodes maybe it was that Nazi necromancer that got away two seasons ago the dart thing is funny.

For no other reason than to get killed, Charlie needs to be alone.  Rather than wait until Cas does the obligatory leave-the-room-while-someone-escapes gambit (already done once in this episode) to chain up Rowena elsewhere, Charlie bolts to a motel.  The Frankensteins find her, she uploads a file and presumably sends it to Sam, they break down the door and...


Dean's grossed out.  I'm too busy thinking about how hot Sam looks with wet hair.


So, that happened, as the kids say.

This plot was like a huge pile of cafe chairs badly stacked up.  Strange metaphor, but I've seen piles of cafe chairs so I know what I'm talking about.


Jensen echoes my feelings

Twitter explodes, FEELS all over the place.

Random thoughts:

Those Microsoft Surface product placements are getting out of hand.

The Frankensteins caused the plague?  Seriously?  Seriously?

We need Lucifer to show up and bitch-slap some sense into the family.

And why wouldn't Crowley know about them?  Haven't any of the Stynes shown up in Hell over the last few millenia?

Where does Rowena go to the bathroom?  And what was up with that tiny piles of bones on the table that were never referenced again?

Will Charlie come back as a Frankenstein-type monster?  That would be cool.  Or an evil spirit that Rowena turned her into?  Bueller? Bueller?

Next week: it's the penultimate episode, there's 10,000 badly laid out side-plots, Dean is still too reasonable for anyone to be that concerned about him, and stuff will happen all over the place.

Wee! Winchester! Supernatural Review: 10x12, "About A Boy"

Last Tuesday, I had an interesting experience.  The night "About A Boy," written by Adam Glass and directed by DP Serge Ladouceur aired, I liked it, especially Leslie Nicol's hammy glee as the Witch.  Then I went on Twitter, and jumped into the negativity and forgot that I'd liked it.  There was so much freaking out.  So on to rewatch the next day.

It is so much fun. Sam doesn't resort to his copy of The Fountainhead!  Not once!  He leaves it back at the bunker!  There is a strong woman character who doesn't die!

THEN:  Montage of witch stuff, and that sorta-crappy episode where Dean's at the boy's home.

NOW:  A drunk named JP is thrown out of a bar.  He's going to his car, but a huge scar-faced guy intercepts, squeezes a hex bag, huge flash of light.  A homeless guy who's seen the whole thing stares up into the sky.

PICSPAM!

Montage of Dean reading tribal tattoo books, looking at tattoo removal websites, generally being bummed about the MOC.  Sam comes into Dean's room wearing the Ugly Shirt of Doom (seriously, that thing needs to be burned, and what is it with pearl buttons on almost all of Sam's clothes?) and tells Dean they've got a case.


Don't make me tuck this shirt in, Dean.

The brothers Winchester drive to the town where JP disappeared.  A homeless guy is convinced it's aliens (prizes to whichever makeup person made those yellow/bloody teeth).  Dean goes into the bar while Sam goes to JP's apartment.

In the bar, Dean has his first strong drink of the post-hiatus.  The Mark starts to throb, but a comely blonde, Tina (Kehli O'Byrne), starts talking to him about JP.  Soon, they are sitting at a table, a couple of companionable drunks.  Dean tells a great story about learning how to make macaroni and cheese dozens of different ways, including Marshmallow Fluff (ack!).  "Sam thought it was exotic."  AND WE GET THIS GREAT SMILE!


It's like staring into the sun

She leaves, and Scarface gets her in the parking lot.  Dean runs after him, bright light, flash...Dean finds himself in the dusty basement of an old house, trapped.  In the next room is Tina, also de-aged (Madeleine Arthur, in another marvelous performance).  Dean looks at himself in the mirror and does a perfect "sonovabitch!".

Sam comes to the bar, looking for Dean.  He hears the phone ring, and sees the bartender turning it off, along with poking into Dean's jacket.  When Sam asks him where he got it, the bartender smart-mouths him, and we get THIS



Do NOT piss off protective Sam!

Sam smashes the guy's head into the bar.  BAMF Sam!!  By the dumpster, he finds Dean's shoe and gun, covered with flower dust.

In the motel, Sam hears a knock, and has to bend nearly double to look through the peephole.  He opens the door to find Teen!Dean (Dylan Everett).

Dylan Everett has been widely praised for his portrayal of 36-year-old Jensen Ackles.  Brown eyes aside, it's uncanny.  His scenes with Jared Padalecki are hilarious.  And Padalecki seems invigorated by working with a different actor.  Throughout the episode, the brotherly banter is spot-on.


Dean, you've got brown eyes!

Teen!Dean (or Little Dean, as I call him) gets in the drivers seat and adjusts Baby's front seat, smashing Sam's knees into the dashboard.  Sam drives.


And you thought the lack of seat belts was a problem.

You've read all of the other review/recaps, so I'm going to make this quick.  The scene between Little Dean and Sam is perfect.  Dylan Everett is so good as Dean, I forgot at moments it was a different actor.  And the dialogue was delicious. Dean confesses, “There was a Taylor Swift song on the bus that I hopped to the motel and I liked it, Sam. I liked it a lot.”


It's no longer like staring into the sun

Litltle Dean: “There’s some good news, though: virgin liver. So what’d you say when we’re done doing our hero thing, we take it for a test drive." Sam:“Yeah, sure. I mean, you can drink again in what, like seven years?" Little Dean: “That’s not funny." Sam: “That’s kind of funny." They get to the house where Little Tina is trapped. Dean slides into the basement window, and tells Sam to follow.

Sam: “Dude, I’m way too big to fit in that." Little Dean: “First time you ever had to say that, huh?" Sam: “Big talk coming from the dude wearing Underoos."

Let's just race through the story.  Hansel (Mark Acheson) of Hansel and Gretel fame (boy, did he grow up fugly) works for the witch of the story.  He has a hex bag that turns adults into kids when he squeezes it.  That last sentence sounds like something out of the kind of fan-fiction I avoid reading.

He grabs Little Dean, who can't break his grip because...well, he's little. Sam clocks Hansel on the back of the head and yells, "DON'T!" when Hansel starts to get up.


Even de-aged, Dean knows how to handle a flashlight!

Witch is de-aging adults because in the USA, people notice when children disappear. Dean and Sam make a deal with Hansel to take down the Witch.  They go to her kitchen, mayhem ensues, Sam gets thrown into a wall,


After seeing this, I will never take Downton Abbey seriously.
"Shit, not AGAIN..."

Dean grabs the hex bag, squeezes it, becomes an adult, shoves the hex bag into the Witch's mouth, and shoves her into the huge oven.

Afterward, Little Tina decides she wants to stay an emancipated minor.  "A second chance," she calls it.  Dean looks like he wants to stab himself in the face.


"You guys know how to make fake IDs, right?"

After seeing off Tina on a bus, the Winchesters get into Baby, Dean turns on the radio.  Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" is playing.  To Sam's horrified disbelief, Dean listens happily as they drive into the sunset.


Sam is horrified.  Twitter has a seizure.

I loved BAMF Sam, although my pleasure was diminished when he was once again thrown into the wall and can't up.  I understand why Dean had to kill the Witch, but it was too bad Sam was too busy licking the floor to help.

Random thoughts:

Many Twitter users went batshit over the use of the Taylor Swift song.  Guys, it's a JOKE. And a good joke!

Sam leaving The Fountainhead in the bunker makes me ridiculously happy.

It felt like an old-school MOTW episode.

Tonight:  I have no idea.  I haven't watched the promos.  Too busy.

Big Evil Comes In Little Packages: Review, Supernatural S10, Ep7, "Girls, Girls, Girls"

This year, "Supernatural" is preceded by "The Flash," the CW's biggest hit, which has three times the budget of the older show. On my DVR, there is always the last minute or two of the Flash. While not as ludicrously funny as last year's "The Originals," it's getting old listening to the sleek eevvilll dude mutter at some creature or another.

This week's episode had many plot threads intertwining. Some let the audience know the show knows the outstanding questions that have been around for a a long time.  The foremost one being, what happens to the angel's human vessel?  Castiel has been in Jimmy Novak--tee hee, I'm twelve--for six years.  This writer has assumed that Jimmy Novak was killed the first or second time Cas was killed in Season 5.  "Like a bowl of chunky soup," as Chuck Shurley described it.  There's a lot of plot in this episode, so to try to stay with me, okay?

 
It's the Shondells - the white girl version!

"Girls, Girls, Girls", written by the estimable Robert Berens and directed by Robert Singer* is first about demons forcing human females into prostitution, and using them to lure clients into signing over their souls.  Berens is particularly adept at writing female characters.  And there are plenty of them, which is a change of pace.

And the episode asks, how fucked up is Dean right now?  Some fans complain that this season the writers don't seem to know what to do about Sam, but I strongly disagree.  In Season 3, Dean's going to hell drove the season.  Since then:

4. Sam drank demon blood; Dean was tormented about his brother 5. Sam turned into Lucifer; Dean was tormented about his brother 6. Sam came back from Hell without his soul; Dean was tormented about his brother 7. Sam went crazy; Dean was tormented about his brother 8. Sam hit a dog and had the dullest flashbacks imaginable, then went through the Three Trials and nearly died; Dean was tormented about his brother (and a flicker of PTSD from being in Purgatory) 9. Sam got possessed by an angel, then was too pissed at Dean to speak to him through much of the season; Dean was tormented about his brother and, well pretty much everything.

I grant you, there are long stretches during the last two seasons where Sam's usefulness to the story was gone and he got Castiel's job of standing around watching the exposition.  And last year he got knocked out and tied up almost every episode.  Huh? Jared Padalecki is so big that if he stood up straight in front of an opponent they'd back away, saying, "Sorry, dude, uh, I gotta--gotta--byee!"  But the guy's got a glass jaw, as they say. One punch to the chin and down he goes.

So why not have Sam being tormented about his brother?  It's a nice change.  Besides, Sam is fun, giving Dean shit as only a little brother can.

THEN:  A series of scenes throughout the series about witches and how their magic involves too many body fluids.  Tiny Crazed Marine!  Angel stuff.

NOW: A young blonde hooker is running down an alley from someone.  Her boot heel snaps off, she grabs it and keeps running.  DUN!!!  Her pimp stands before her, grinning.

 
This is actually Genevieve Padalecki in a blonde wig...don't tell anybody.

She stabs him in the eye with her boot heel.  You go, girl!!  It doesn't phase him.  He snaps her neck.  'Doh!

Sam and Dean sit in a steakhouse.  To my astonishment, Sam has a big ole steak in front of him.  Did he already eat the salad?  Is this out of character?  I'M STARTING A META!  Whoops.  Sorry.

Dean's phone is pinging away.  “Dude, you are blowing up. Who is that?”  Dean attempts to dodge the question, claiming it's “monster stuff.” Sam grabs Dean’s phone and discovers that his brother has a dating app.  There's a picture of Dean, with his real name and location.  Dean, what is wrong with you?  Don't you know that anyone can come in the bunker by now?

 
"Impala 1967..."  Thanks, Jared, I just came.

“There’s like a million messages here,” Sam says, from a woman named Shaylene.  The problems I had with this and the following scene are 1) since when has Dean had to drive any distance for nookie? 2) he's done it with plenty of hookers, and so has Sam.  Thank God you suddenly developed standards in time for the plot device, Bowlegs.  It's a fun, brotherly scene.

Meanwhile, Castiel and Hannah are holed up in the motel room.  They exposit that most of the rogue angels have been rounded up, which begs the question, now what is Cas going to do with himself?  Meanwhile, Hannah strips down and announces she's going to take a shower.



Sorry, gang, this is only gratuitous angel nudity I have to offer this go-round.


"Castiel, are you displeased that I am not Dean?"

Dean is about to do the beast with two backs with Shaylene.  But she's a prostitute.  For payment, she wants Dean's soul.  Not again, Dean groans inside.  When her pimp shows up with the paperwork, the Winchesters are waiting.  "Winchesters," he drawls.  Can they keep a straight face at the table read when an actor says this any more?  Shaylene stabs him.  Dead Pimp worked for Raul's Girls, a whorehouse.  It's forced prostitution, hookers working for souls.  Why don't they use demon hookers?  I don't know.  And where's the demon blade?  There must be a warehouse full of angel blades somewhere.

Raul, sporting a nifty eyepatch, is issuing a command to his minion to beat the shit out of a recalcitrant prostitute (like we need more proof he's scum?).  The door opens, and a small redheaded woman with Morticia Addams eye makeup, in a long black dress enters. "Is this Raul's Gels?" she asks in a thick Scottish accent...hmmmm...

 
I knew there was something fishy about that lead singer...

She's Rowena, a powerful witch who looks to be this season's Big Bad.  Damn.  I had so hoped Dean would be the Big Bad.  Maybe he can be the Medium Bad?  She's awfully tiny to be a big bad.  But wow, she's fierce.  She tosses Raul a hex bag, and he barfs up more crude oil than the Alaska pipeline. His fellow demon smokes out and the host body drops dead.  Answering the what-happens-to-the-demon-possessed side, perhaps?  She leaves with the remaining hookers, and the trio go to dinner at a fancy restaurant.  When the waiter gets snotty, she puts a spell on him.  Instantly, it's a 10-course tasting meal, on the house.  Scottish actress Ruth Connell's performance verges on drag queen.  An extremely dangerous wee drag queen.  Rowena's a flirty sociopath.

She is recruiting for a new coven.  The other two women are eager to join, even when Rowena kills the waiter for what seems to be no reason.

We might have our new Magnus!

Once Hannah is dressed, she starts to check out of the motel but is stopped by her vessel's husband, who addresses her as "Caroline."    She babbles out a lie that she left him for Cas, then gives Cas a big, wet kiss that leaves Cas shaken (and probably with a boner) and her husband devastated.  The angels split.

Sam finds the hex bag and spell on a web page that says "Bind and Purge."  There are a lot of illustrations, which makes it a little odd when Sam says only the witch who created it--Rowena--knows the spell.  It's right in front you, isn't it?

Meanwhile, a big biker demon is tied to a chair in a devil's trap, being doused with holy water by--TINY CRAZED MARINE!  Who, if anything, looks another decade older than he did in his last appearance.  Stress will do that to you.  I'm still wondering if he killed that librarian from "Reichenbach".  Collateral damage and all that.  Not much happens, but we know Tiny Crazed Marine is here and shit will get real.  Only it kinda doesn't.

Caroline, Hannah's vessel, is still in there.  When she saw her husband, she screamed at Hannah that she wanted her life back.  Hannah agrees with the original mission, that humans come first.  To that end, she leaves, and Caroline wakes up in Castiel's arms. "Castiel?" she says.  It must be noted that Hannah is a tiny little angel.  None of the huge roaring and white light that's accompanied all other angel comings and goings.  But it's a lovely image.  (How's Cas's borrowed grace going?  When are we going to see Metatron again?)

 
"It's going to be such a relief not to have a clitoris any more."

After she leaves, Castiel gets back in the pimpmobile.  He takes out his laptop and looks up Jimmy Novak. There are several pictures of different Jimmys (including one of JN as "Employee of the Year") and a picture of Jimmy with MISSING under it.  "Where's the porn?" Castiel wonders.

Rowena and her coven-ettes are lounging at a hotel when two demons show up to drag them to Crowley.  Who, in an earlier scene, is aggravated that Raul and Demon #2 opened a brother to collect souls.

Demon #2:  "Raul said, your decree last month, soul deals way down after the war with Abaddon?  He said that you were looking at proactive and out of the box strategies to get numbers back up."
Crowley: "So you and your half-wit pal threw me into the sex trade? I'm evil.  That's just tacky."  Hee.

Demons come to drag Rowena and her coven-ettes to hell, but the Winchesters show up.  Rowena puts a spell on the blonde woman that turns her into a human attack dog.  Dean runs after Rowena while Sam locks Pit Bull Blonde in a closet.  Dean catches up to Rowena and puts the gun to her head, while the other coven-ette runs away--

"Put the gun down, Deano."  It's Tiny Crazed Marine.  That line alone made me want him to die.  Dean puts down the gun, the witch scrambles out of there.

First, Dean tries to make nice with Cole, saying he's not a demon any more.  And that Cole's dad was a monster.  Doesn't work.  Dean and TCM go at it.  Honestly, Travis Aaron Wade looks ridiculous in a fighting crouch, in part because then he barely clears Jensen Ackle's belt buckle.  Lots of punching and kicking guns out of the way.  For me, the best part was this:



Tiny Crazed Marine is bested.  But Dean is the better (?) man. He hands Cole his own gun, and proceeds to give a speech.  Cole's father was a monster, which ate human livers.  Dean has never seen such a monster before or since.  That sounds incredibly lame.  I was hoping Tiny Crazed Marine would yell, "My father HATED liver," take a shot, miss, and then get knocked out.  But no, he stares at Dean with big, teary eyes, with "I wuvved dead Da-Da" as Dean goes on about how he went into the darkness and was brought back by "people who loved me." But "I'm past saving," he goes on.  Sam gives Tiny Crazed Marine--Crazed No Longer--a pep talk about family.  Staring at Dean, he says, "You family needs you. Whole."  OUCH!  Fucking anvil.  Cole gets into his Hummer and drives off.

What?  A guy spends his entire life on a quest for vengeance and gives it up because of a teary smear of self-pity and a pep talk?  WHAT?  Farewell, Tiny Crazed Marine, we barely knew ye.  He's going home to one pissed-off wife.  "Now that your quest for revenge is over, you better get a damn job!"   There's a possibility he'll be back, either because he realizes how lame that scene was, or he turns into the same never-before-seen monster his father was.

After the break, Sam asks if Dean meant that part about being "past saving."  I hope so, but I know Sam disagrees with me.

Crowley is taken to the witch, who has been tortured.  Rowena is hanging by chains, bloodied but just as nasty.  "Are you the King of Lilliput?" Crowley stares at her. She goads him,  "Cat got your tongue?" and meows.  It's great.



Crowley says, "Mother?"   AND into credits!

Next week, Sheriff Jody Mills and a new partner join Sam and Dean for "Hibbing 911."

Random Thoughts:

I loved the phone scene.  But honestly?  They both look a little old to be doing this. Marie was on to something.

Sorry I slagged off Rowena in "Soul Survivor."  She's a welcome addition.  Crowley is going to be soooo whipped.

Also sorry that Hannah is gone.  I didn't care one way or another whether or not she and Cas hooked up.  The less angel war, the more badonkadonk, the better.

*After 10 years, how do you "direct" an episode?  Is it just pointing and nodding your head by now?

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