Let's see if I can get through this review without crying. Even though there plot holes you could walk through and more destruction of canon (something you can always count on with the unholy duo of Eugenie Ross-Leming and Brad Buckner, who wrote the egregious "Taxi Driver," which bent canon until it broke). All the same, this episode left me inconsolable. Which was not helped by trying to explain what happened to my husband: "Kevin the prophet was killed, and Sammy is possessed by an evil angel and now there's going to be an all-out angel war--" That sentence more or less sums up the episode. Although it left my husband baffled and annoyed he hadn't been able to watch football instead.
The teaser is a religious chorale group of women in white dresses slaughtering a biker group. Each is from a different angel faction. Yes, once again there are angel factions ala Lucifer/Michael and Castiel/Raphael. This go-round it's Bartholomew vs. Malachi, corporate vs. crazy.
Malachi tries to broker a truce so that they can all take on Metatron. Bart's assistant blows him off, Malachi announces, "and so it begins," and they slaughter Bart's angels. Guess what, gang, it's Angel War time!
Dean and Sam/Zeke arrive at the crime scene, only to find Cas, natty in blue suit and tie, already there. I adore human!Cas. "Cas is back in town!" he announces, so delighted with himself.
"I can actually take this suit OFF, bitches!"
Seriously, I need this scene in.every.episode.
They discuss Battle of Heaven 3.0, now with new location and new redshirts. Zeke gets a bug up his ass and leaves. Dean hurriedly explains that Sam is possessed and lies to Cas, saying they have to keep at arms' length. Meanwhile, Zeke goes outside and meets--wait for it--Metatron!
Would you buy a used car from this man?
Metatron gives us the big reveal, which really is a surprise! Zeke is not Ezekiel! His real identity is Gadreel, and here I'm going to quote from the Bible, the Book of Enoch:
And the name of the third is Gadreel; this is the one that showed all the deadly blows to the sons of men. And he led astray Eve. And he showed the weapons of death to the children of men, the shield and the breastplate, and the sword for slaughter, and all the weapons of death to the sons of men.
Metatron has gotten bored being alone in Heaven (presumably he forgot to bring his massive library) and has decided: “Plan B: Rebuild Heaven as the place God envisioned it, only with a hand-picked few. No more anemic functionaries like Bartholomew. And no more stupid angels. Maybe some funny ones.”
Gadreel has been imprisoned since before the dawn of time. When the angels fell, even the imprisoned ones fell.* Gadreel feels he's God's fall guy, and he wants to redeem himself. Metatron knows he's dealing with a guilt-ridden dumbass who's been lying since he got here--no, not Dean--who has no experience with humans other than the Winchesters. Which would be catastrophic for anyone. Really, put a cageful of lab rats in the back seat and they would have committed suicide within six months.
Like Cas with Crowley, Gadreel is gullible as all get-out. He's one of the "stupid" angels. The major difference is that Crowley counted on Castiel's hubris, while Metatron is counting on Gadreel's utter lack of self-worth. Metatron offers to make the angel his second in command. Gadreel promises to think it over. (I wish his name wasn't so close to Gag Reel.)
Meanwhile, Cas is in a hotel room. He's only been prayed to, so he doesn't know how to pray. This leads to a great montage of Cas trying different body
positions to pray in.
When did Cas learn yoga? Has he been taking classes?
This images in this post are Cas-heavy, just because he gets the best shots. Dean, Sam and Kevin (AAAAAH! KEVINNN!) are mostly shown walking around.
One of Bart's church ladies shows up to recruit a prayer group. She exhorts them to open themselves to the angels, as trails of white light swirl over their heads. But before the poor redshirts can go to glory, Malachi's angels murder all of them.
Too bad. You should have been doing drugs and having sex like the other kids.
In answer to Cas's prayers, a neutral angel wearing a small blonde park ranger meatsuit shows up. But before they can say more than exposition, Malachi busts in and grabs them back. Back at the bunker--who gives a shit, it's TORTURE TIME!
Malachi's the skeevy guy to the left. Not the skeevy guy in the back.
Malachi wants intel on Metatron. Cas insists he knows nothing. They kill the park ranger angel. Malachi tells of all of the angels who died in the fall, including Ezekiel. When Malachi leaves Cas alone with his torturer, the angel drops the menacing act and says he wants to join Castiel and Metatron in the New, Improved Heaven. Cas pretends that he's in with Metatron after all, gets the angel blade, slices the angel's throat and takes his grace! BAMF!
And Dean didn't know that Cas would swallow!
Ho-KAY, the snap you heard was another piece of canon being broken. WTF? If Cas can become an angel again simply by sucking down some other angel's grace, why didn't he do it before now? Huh? And why has his human arc ended so abruptly? Oh, right, they need the angel ex machina back again, never mind how great the arc was. Kinda like Purgatory. Remember Purgatory? Dean's PTSD? No, I don't either. Cas burns the now-human angel's
Castiel is officially no longer fun.
Back to his angel-grim face, Cas finds a phone booth and calls Dean. He lets him know that Ezekiel is not Zeke, but Gadreel. Then for someone reason, Cas says he's gotta go. You think I keep track of all of this?
Metatron and Gadreel meet. Gadreel wants to be second in command. Oh, you poor dumb bastard. To prove his loyalty, Gadreel must "neutralize" the person whose name is written on a piece of paper.
There goes your redemption, buster.
Dean frantically wakes up Kevin and tells him they need a spell so that they can shut down the possessing angel and talk to the possessed. When Kevin asks him why, Dean says, "Trust me." Kevin responds, "I always trust you...and I always get screwed." Okay, I'm choking up now.
Dean gets Sam in a storeroom where Dean has painted a sigil on the wall. He smacks it, and Sam looks bewildered. “I’m gonna tell you some stuff fast. It’s gonna piss you off.” There follows a beautifully intense scene where Dean tries to explain what he's done to a shocked, angry Sam. Dean's trying to explain before Gadreel comes back. Sam knocks him unconscious. It's not Sam he's been talking to.
When Gadreel walks out, Kevin starts to ask if Sam's noticed that Dean's acting strange lately and...and...oh crap I can't even describe it...
Dean becomes conscious and walks in on this. Gadreel flings Dean against a pillar and forces him to watch. Kevin drops to the ground, dead, his eyes burned out. If you think I'm going to put a picture of that in here...I started crying looking at the damn screencaps.
Gadreel explains that he overheard Dean and Kevin, and smudged the sigil. "I think I played Sam quite convincingly." With that, Gadreel picks up the tablets, puts them in a duffel bag, and heads out.
"Sam's no more."
Dean drops to the ground and looks at his dead friend. Poor Kevin, his life as a prophet was the worst. No friends, no girlfriend, forced to study and come up with spells for the Winchesters around the clock...and killed. All of Dean's lies have come back to bite him in the ass. Not, eat him alive.
Staring at the body, Dean says softly, "Kevin? Kevin?" and breaks down in tears as we go to black.
Supernatural will be back January 14th. Until then, I'm going to watch reruns of "The Big Bang Theory" so I can keep from killing myself.
* Michael and Lucifer did not emerge, because they are trapped in the Cage in Hell, along with Adam. Who?