Duck Dynasty: Review, Supernatural 10x21, "Dark Dynasty:

Eugenie Ross-Leming and Brad Buckner continue their soul-destroying run of terribly written episodes with "Dark Dynasty," sloppily directed by Bob Singer.




Basic rundown: Sam lies to Dean about book.  Actors with bad Southern accents have dumb conversation laden with "menace" that somehow reminds me of those cheap little cheese n' crackers you get at Gas n' Sips. Cut (literally) to the chase - the Dark Dynasty is the family of--dun dun dun--FRANKENSTEIN!

Oh, for fuck's sake.


Sam feels your pain


Can you believe this cheesy plot?
If we're German, why do we have these terrible Southern accents?


Because Bob Singer is pussy-whipped

Sam lies to Dean, gulping and twitching and holding up small signs that say, I'M LYING YOU IDIOT COULD I BE MORE OBVIOUS.


His lies are so bad they have flattened his hair

While Sam is conveniently in another room, one of the Frankensteins tells Dean the Book of the Damned is indestructable.  Jensen Ackles tries to look like he cares.


Wow, man, I'm destroyed inside.  Or not.

Aside: every time I hear it, Dean shouting "Charlie has the damned Book of The Damned?" it gets funnier.  And more annoying.  Couldn't they have left the first "damned" out?  Oh, wait, Eugenie Ross-Leeming and Brad Buckner.

Sam has gathered Rowena, Cas and Charlie into the Abandoned Brewery of Doom to crack the code of the code of the code of the Book of the Damned.  Rowena is the only enjoyable part of this, so I'm going to skip the rest.  Might as well tell you now, Charlie ends up dead.  No real reason.  She just ends up dead.  Robbie Thompson sobs in the corner.  But, you know, executive producer's wife.  So there.


One of us is gonna die, and it ain't gonna me.
They're saving you for the season finale.
Well, shit.


Rowena realizes that she's an older woman and an interesting character, so she's probably next.
Well, shit.



Meanwhile, to give Mark Sheppard something to do, Crowley talks to a hamster and learns that his mother had a demon lover  I mean whatever who cares how are you going to shoehorn that into the next two episodes maybe it was that Nazi necromancer that got away two seasons ago the dart thing is funny.

For no other reason than to get killed, Charlie needs to be alone.  Rather than wait until Cas does the obligatory leave-the-room-while-someone-escapes gambit (already done once in this episode) to chain up Rowena elsewhere, Charlie bolts to a motel.  The Frankensteins find her, she uploads a file and presumably sends it to Sam, they break down the door and...


Dean's grossed out.  I'm too busy thinking about how hot Sam looks with wet hair.


So, that happened, as the kids say.

This plot was like a huge pile of cafe chairs badly stacked up.  Strange metaphor, but I've seen piles of cafe chairs so I know what I'm talking about.


Jensen echoes my feelings

Twitter explodes, FEELS all over the place.

Random thoughts:

Those Microsoft Surface product placements are getting out of hand.

The Frankensteins caused the plague?  Seriously?  Seriously?

We need Lucifer to show up and bitch-slap some sense into the family.

And why wouldn't Crowley know about them?  Haven't any of the Stynes shown up in Hell over the last few millenia?

Where does Rowena go to the bathroom?  And what was up with that tiny piles of bones on the table that were never referenced again?

Will Charlie come back as a Frankenstein-type monster?  That would be cool.  Or an evil spirit that Rowena turned her into?  Bueller? Bueller?

Next week: it's the penultimate episode, there's 10,000 badly laid out side-plots, Dean is still too reasonable for anyone to be that concerned about him, and stuff will happen all over the place.

I Carry A Badge - Dragnet 1969 Fan Fiction (NC-`17)

Written for the "Come As You're Not" fiction challenge.  The challenge was to write for a bizarre fandom.  I picked "Dragnet 1969".  You can't get more bizarre than that.  NC-17, 'cause it's funny.
Characters: Joe Friday, Bill Gannon.  POV: Joe Friday.

Officer Bill Gannon, Sergeant Joe Friday.

This is the city. Los Angeles, California. It’s a nice place to live. We try to keep it that way. But there are rapists, murderers, thieves. Every 60 seconds a crime is committed. That’s where I come in. My name's Friday. I carry a badge.

(DRAGNET THEME)

It is Tuesday afternoon. Then we get the call: a 163 in progress in Yuma City.
3:10, Yuma City. My partner Bill Gannon and I arrive in an unmarked car. By that time the perpetrators have fled.
Gannon: “Well, looks like we have an afternoon on our hands.”
Friday: “Let’s keep an ear on the scanner.”
3:30, Yuma City. The scanner reports routine crimes. Purse snatching. Marijuana bust.
Gannon: “You know, Joe, there’s been something on my mind.”
Friday: “Yeah.”
Gannon: “How ‘bout we have sex? We don’t have to bring the car back until 6:00.”
Bill is right. The car is due in the police garage at no later than 6 p.m.
Friday: “You know a motel?”
Gannon: “Yeah.”
Friday: “Hourly rate?”
Gannon: “It’s cheap enough. Don’t care who you are. One thing.”
Friday: “Yeah?”
Gannon: “Don’t let the wife know.”
3:45, Yuma City. We check into the Yuma City No-Tell Motel.
Clerk: “You want a single room?”
Friday: “Yeah. With extra towels.”
3:47, Yuma City. Officer Bill Gannon and I check into room 317. We draw the shades. Gannon puts the police scanner on the bedside table.
Gannon: “Well, Joe, here we are.”
3:49, No-Tell Motel. Officer Bill Gannon is stripped down to his underwear, revealing a Caucasian male, 5 foot 10 inches, approximately 195 pounds, with a distinctive birthmark on his right hip. I undress in an leisurely manner, so as to not let Gannon know that I am eager.
Gannon: “You use the police gym, don’t you, Joe?”
Friday: “Twice a week. Looks like you could use it a few times.”
3:51. Officer Bill Gannon proceeds to kiss me. He needs a shave. Gannon puts his arms around my waist and continues his osculation.
Friday: “Good kissing.”
Gannon: “Thanks, Joe. How about some tongue.”
Friday: “If that’s what you want.”
I put my tongue in Gannon’s mouth. From his facial expression I deduce that he feels pleasure. So do I. There is an erection in my briefs, indicating sexual arousal.
Gannon: “You want me to suck that?”
Friday: “No. Lie on your stomach.”
Gannon: “Whatever you say, Joe.”
4:15, No-Tell Motel. Officer Bill Gannon lies naked on the left-hand twin bed. I lubricate my penis, which is still erect.
Friday: “You showered?”
Gannon: “Yeah.”
4:17. I lower myself until I am perpendicular to Officer Gannon. I insert my right forefinger into his anus. He responds with what again sounds like pleasure. We have done this many times. I put the lubricating fluid onto my penis, then push into him. It feels good.
Gannon: “Joe, that’s great.”
Friday: “Yeah. Scream like a girl.”
Gannon: “You got it.”
As ordered, Officer Gannon proceeds to scream like an underage female as I slide in and out of his anus. I increase my speed, until he is arching himself under me. I sit up on my knees and hold Gannon’s hips for maximum penetration. I proceed to pound him with alacrity.
Gannon: “Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe”
Friday: “Who carries a badge?”
Gannon: “You carry the badge—Joe—badge—yes—“
4:26 p.m. Officer Gannon ejaculates. I continue my motions until I, too, ejaculate.
4:31 p.m. No-Tell Motel. We stay in the motel room and share a cigarette.
4:40 p.m. No-Tell Motel. We have sex again. Gannon is always the bottom.
5:02. It is time to return the car.

Wee! Winchester! Supernatural Review: 10x12, "About A Boy"

Last Tuesday, I had an interesting experience.  The night "About A Boy," written by Adam Glass and directed by DP Serge Ladouceur aired, I liked it, especially Leslie Nicol's hammy glee as the Witch.  Then I went on Twitter, and jumped into the negativity and forgot that I'd liked it.  There was so much freaking out.  So on to rewatch the next day.

It is so much fun. Sam doesn't resort to his copy of The Fountainhead!  Not once!  He leaves it back at the bunker!  There is a strong woman character who doesn't die!

THEN:  Montage of witch stuff, and that sorta-crappy episode where Dean's at the boy's home.

NOW:  A drunk named JP is thrown out of a bar.  He's going to his car, but a huge scar-faced guy intercepts, squeezes a hex bag, huge flash of light.  A homeless guy who's seen the whole thing stares up into the sky.

PICSPAM!

Montage of Dean reading tribal tattoo books, looking at tattoo removal websites, generally being bummed about the MOC.  Sam comes into Dean's room wearing the Ugly Shirt of Doom (seriously, that thing needs to be burned, and what is it with pearl buttons on almost all of Sam's clothes?) and tells Dean they've got a case.


Don't make me tuck this shirt in, Dean.

The brothers Winchester drive to the town where JP disappeared.  A homeless guy is convinced it's aliens (prizes to whichever makeup person made those yellow/bloody teeth).  Dean goes into the bar while Sam goes to JP's apartment.

In the bar, Dean has his first strong drink of the post-hiatus.  The Mark starts to throb, but a comely blonde, Tina (Kehli O'Byrne), starts talking to him about JP.  Soon, they are sitting at a table, a couple of companionable drunks.  Dean tells a great story about learning how to make macaroni and cheese dozens of different ways, including Marshmallow Fluff (ack!).  "Sam thought it was exotic."  AND WE GET THIS GREAT SMILE!


It's like staring into the sun

She leaves, and Scarface gets her in the parking lot.  Dean runs after him, bright light, flash...Dean finds himself in the dusty basement of an old house, trapped.  In the next room is Tina, also de-aged (Madeleine Arthur, in another marvelous performance).  Dean looks at himself in the mirror and does a perfect "sonovabitch!".

Sam comes to the bar, looking for Dean.  He hears the phone ring, and sees the bartender turning it off, along with poking into Dean's jacket.  When Sam asks him where he got it, the bartender smart-mouths him, and we get THIS



Do NOT piss off protective Sam!

Sam smashes the guy's head into the bar.  BAMF Sam!!  By the dumpster, he finds Dean's shoe and gun, covered with flower dust.

In the motel, Sam hears a knock, and has to bend nearly double to look through the peephole.  He opens the door to find Teen!Dean (Dylan Everett).

Dylan Everett has been widely praised for his portrayal of 36-year-old Jensen Ackles.  Brown eyes aside, it's uncanny.  His scenes with Jared Padalecki are hilarious.  And Padalecki seems invigorated by working with a different actor.  Throughout the episode, the brotherly banter is spot-on.


Dean, you've got brown eyes!

Teen!Dean (or Little Dean, as I call him) gets in the drivers seat and adjusts Baby's front seat, smashing Sam's knees into the dashboard.  Sam drives.


And you thought the lack of seat belts was a problem.

You've read all of the other review/recaps, so I'm going to make this quick.  The scene between Little Dean and Sam is perfect.  Dylan Everett is so good as Dean, I forgot at moments it was a different actor.  And the dialogue was delicious. Dean confesses, “There was a Taylor Swift song on the bus that I hopped to the motel and I liked it, Sam. I liked it a lot.”


It's no longer like staring into the sun

Litltle Dean: “There’s some good news, though: virgin liver. So what’d you say when we’re done doing our hero thing, we take it for a test drive." Sam:“Yeah, sure. I mean, you can drink again in what, like seven years?" Little Dean: “That’s not funny." Sam: “That’s kind of funny." They get to the house where Little Tina is trapped. Dean slides into the basement window, and tells Sam to follow.

Sam: “Dude, I’m way too big to fit in that." Little Dean: “First time you ever had to say that, huh?" Sam: “Big talk coming from the dude wearing Underoos."

Let's just race through the story.  Hansel (Mark Acheson) of Hansel and Gretel fame (boy, did he grow up fugly) works for the witch of the story.  He has a hex bag that turns adults into kids when he squeezes it.  That last sentence sounds like something out of the kind of fan-fiction I avoid reading.

He grabs Little Dean, who can't break his grip because...well, he's little. Sam clocks Hansel on the back of the head and yells, "DON'T!" when Hansel starts to get up.


Even de-aged, Dean knows how to handle a flashlight!

Witch is de-aging adults because in the USA, people notice when children disappear. Dean and Sam make a deal with Hansel to take down the Witch.  They go to her kitchen, mayhem ensues, Sam gets thrown into a wall,


After seeing this, I will never take Downton Abbey seriously.
"Shit, not AGAIN..."

Dean grabs the hex bag, squeezes it, becomes an adult, shoves the hex bag into the Witch's mouth, and shoves her into the huge oven.

Afterward, Little Tina decides she wants to stay an emancipated minor.  "A second chance," she calls it.  Dean looks like he wants to stab himself in the face.


"You guys know how to make fake IDs, right?"

After seeing off Tina on a bus, the Winchesters get into Baby, Dean turns on the radio.  Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" is playing.  To Sam's horrified disbelief, Dean listens happily as they drive into the sunset.


Sam is horrified.  Twitter has a seizure.

I loved BAMF Sam, although my pleasure was diminished when he was once again thrown into the wall and can't up.  I understand why Dean had to kill the Witch, but it was too bad Sam was too busy licking the floor to help.

Random thoughts:

Many Twitter users went batshit over the use of the Taylor Swift song.  Guys, it's a JOKE. And a good joke!

Sam leaving The Fountainhead in the bunker makes me ridiculously happy.

It felt like an old-school MOTW episode.

Tonight:  I have no idea.  I haven't watched the promos.  Too busy.

My Play Anthology is going to published at last!

Last week I called my publisher at Exit Press about "Cervix With A Smile," having sent back the last batch of proofs.  (Dragging my feet is one of my finest skills.)  He told me we're "almost there," just a few small things and:






Interesting factoid: this glitter graph is from a MySpace generator.  So MySpace is still out there...