The Walking Darkness: Supernatural Review, S11 Ep 1: "Out Of The Darkness Into The Flame"

So, fans were wildly excited for the Season 11 premiere of Supernatural.  As you know, I wasn't expecting much.  And I got it.

The producers said it would be like The Walking Dead, but they didn't say how much it would be like The Walking Dead.  It was, but not in a good way. "The brothers are together again!  Season 1 feel!  New evil like none of them have ever seen!"

"New evil"?  Um, isn't that most seasons, except maybe Season 5?  Carry on.

The Road So Far: "Run To The Jungle" plays over the montage of last season.

Now: Dean's in a dark swirling cloud.  Through the cloud, he espies a babe, a brunette with tumbling brown hair, fashionable dress (didn't get to see the shoes) and, curiously, bra straps.   She turns and gives him A Look.

Seriously bad CGI



Bra straps? A bra?  They had brassieres before God showed up?

As a woman, I can understand why being imprisoned since before the Dawn of Creation in a bra would be incredible torture.  Looks like she had access to pre-Dawn copies of Vogue, too.



"Good evening and welcome to the Darkness.  I'll be your designated evil babe this season."

Sam wakes up alone in the Impala, fetchingly bruised and bloodied. Damn, he looks hot.  He finds Dean, they do some exposition.

This is just here because I have such hots for Jared Padalecki.

NEW TITLE CARD!



It's the Season 1 title card, with some smoke.

Back To Now, With Occasional Visions

Time for the low-budget version of The Walking Dead!   The brothers walk down the road, spot a road crew--all dead.  Family in a car--all dead.  Since this show doesn't have nearly the $$$ of its predecessor, there's six or seven dead people.  A guy with black veiny stuff on his neck comes around from the back of the vehicle: "Stop!  We'll shoot!" Guy keeps coming.  Oh, shit, a ZOMBIE an infected guy who's pretty pissed.  Doesn't make any cool noises, just looks pissed.  Down he goes, shot from behind.

A pubescent girl sheriff with amazingly blue eyes pops up from behind the police car armed with a shotgun.  We last saw her as the Alpha's child in Season 7, "There Will Be Blood".



"I'll be menstruating by Season 11!"

She orders them to "show her some skin".  While I scream with delight, the brothers pull open their collars (just their collars?).



This show can be such a tease. Excuse me while I lick Sam's neck.

It gets a little tricky.  I only watched the episode twice.  And it didn't keep my attention the second time around, so there will probably be mistakes.  Somewhere early on the sheriff anvils, "I thought this job was saving people."  Welcome to Supernatural, little girl.

Another of Dean's visions: Darkness feels more peaceful than she has in a long time, she purrs seductively.  Oh for God's sake. Peaceful?  What was she doing all these eons? Turns out she has a little Mark of Cain on the left shoulder.  Duh-duh-dun!

I always picture Colin Ford in the gag reel whenever I write that. I miss Colin Ford.

Meanwhile, Teen Sheriff 's been shot, so they take her to a hospital to stitch her up.  When they get there, the receptionist is dead.  Out the boys go to Baby's Trunk O'Stuff, and excuse me for saying a loud FUCK YOU to the ever-deceitful CW PR monkeys:



This is the best promo image, and of course it never happened. Not enough $$ to blow shit up.

They come back with weapons and find more dead people, and lights flickering on and off.  I expected to see two metal doors chained together with DON'T OPEN DEAD INSIDE but that probably would have gotten the show sued.

The main thing I wish they had ripped off taken from The Walking Dead is the gore.  All of the dead people are so tidy.  Pools of blood, yeah, but how are they killed?  Bitten?  Shot?  Bitchslapped?  How?

Something that jumped out at me--no, not a zombie--is that Dean killed Death and the Darkness doesn't know what Death is.  So why are people dying?  Shouldn't they be popping back up again?

Dean sews up Teen Sheriff while Sam stalks a rabid guy trying to break the door to the janitor's closet with a fire extinguisher.  Pretty smart zombie infected guy.  There's a baby crying on the other side of the door.  Sam, shoot him! Come on, man, there's a baby's life at stake!  Fortunately for everybody, the zombie rabid guy conveniently drops dead and Sam frees the hostages, a baby and her father.  Lori died but Judith's still alive--

Shit, wrong show.

Mother's dead, baby's alive.  The father is infected.  He hands off Judith the baby to Teen Sheriff.  By the way, there's a later scene where she diapers the baby because she's a gurl.  Didn't Dean become an expert at this stuff in Season 6? "Two Men And A Baby"?  Oh, forget I said anything...

Dean has more visions of the Darkness, but really, they're boring and the crappy CGI bugs the hell out of me.  She murmurs: “We’re bound, Dean. We’ll always be bound. You helped me, I helped you. No matter where I am, who I am, we will always help each other.” 

Dean's all for blasting their way out of the hospital, but Sam gets misty-eyed and says they've gotta change, stop doing the same stuff. Once again they've busted the world, and Sam loooooooves his brother:



And he'd do it again. Despite that meaning that millions will die, Sam says: “This kill first, questions later, what happened to us? Hunting things, we’re good at that, sure. We’re great at that. But that’s only half of the bumper sticker, man.”

Bumper sticker? Okay, cute little meta joke.

This is all undone by the end of the episode and we're back to where we always are.  Dean didn't tell Sam the full extent of his conversation with the Darkness; Sam didn't tell Dean he'd been infected. Wow, way to change-up, Supernatural!  Dean goes off with Teen Sheriff and Sam stays behind.  The usual ignoring things-go-really-bad-when-they-split-up trope.

Father turns zombie rabid, hands off baby saying, "her name is Amara," and drops dead.

MEANWHILE:

Cas is under an attack dog spell, although he's a very well-mannered puppy.



"Once I kill Crowley my blood lust will subside and I will gladly fetch a stick."

A kid finds him in an abandoned cabin.  Cas warns, "Don't make me hurt you!"



Looks like that pink-eye is clearing up.

But of course he won't.  The attack dog has enough control to barrel out of the cabin into the nearby woods, without killing the kid or his brother and father.  It would be such fun watching Rabid!Cas being part of The Darkness and wreaking havoc.  Naw, too interesting, let's just have him captured by angels and probably tortured next week with the Angel Headpiece of Doom on.

Crowley's more fun because Crowley's always more fun.  While Castiel was busy puncturing him like you puncture a steak before you stick in the garlic cloves, Crowley smoked out and possessed a woman's meatsuit.  "She" enters her house to find her husband and an extremely eager couple waiting for her to have an orgy.  It's the best scene in the show.  It ends badly for everyone but Crowley.  When his demons come to fetch him (they've patched up his meatsuit so that Mark Sheppard can keep working) one minion says, “You barely escaped assassination, you’re arguably on the run from the most powerful witch on Earth, not to mention an angel of Heaven. And you didn’t call for help until after the orgy?”



This woman is old enough to have menopause?  Fuck you, Supernatural.

Turns out half of Hell is "freaking out" because screams came from the Cage. Michael? Lucifer? Adam?  Congratulations, show, you got me to watch next week.

Like everyone stupid enough to lock themselves in a janitor's closet, Sam is Not Alone.



"Oh, no!  I've turned into the woman at the beginning of most of our episodes!"

A zombie infected person in nurse's scrubs attacks him.  He slits her throat and she bleeds all over him.  A group of zombies infected people go for him. But then they sniff, and walk away.  He's infected!  Cool!



Oh God, I'm dying of the sexy

Somebody says at some point, "the baby eats souls."  And wouldn't you know it, Amara has a teeny-weeny Mark of Cain on her shoulder!  Some poor woman pushed out The Darkness!



"Get that bottle away from me and gimme your soul!"

That's all I can remember.  Can I take my nap now?

RANDOM:

They give Zombie Infected Nurse the loud clacking teeth sound that The Walking Dead uses.  Without the actual big teeth and bloody face.

Crowley gets laid more than any of the other three leads.

NEXT WEEK:

Sam gets bloody...and shirtless. And there's other stuff.

What Ho, Winchesters! Review, Supernatural Season 10, Episode 6, "Ask Jeeves"

Pity the episode that has to follow Number 200!  It could be "The End," and it would still be overshadowed by the massive hype and fan-love "Fan Fiction" engendered.  Written by Eric Charmelo and Nicole Snyder, directed by John MacCarthy, "Ask Jeeves" is a lightweight comic episode.  In terms of the series arc, it felt strange to have one now.  But then thank GOD Dean busted out his dark side at the end, when he emptied his gun into the MOTW.  Oops, spoiler. 


THEN:  Dean as a demon (good sign!), shapeshifters, werewolves, you name 'em, they got 'em.


 NOW:  A rich woman, Bunny Lacroix, has died.  Philip, the butler, instructs two young maids to 1) get burial clothes for Bunny 2) clean the bathrooms.  Already I know the one who cleans the toilets gets to live because the promo picture showed the detective dead in the toilet.  Young Maid #1 decides to steals Milady's pearls, but Milady shows up, large as life in Chanel, and Young Maid #1 falls off the balcony, crashes through a glass table, and dies. 

Something I've observed is that when Jared Padalecki doesn't like a script, he mugs.  Why have only one facial expression when you can have seven?  Jensen Ackles's coping mechanism is phoning it in.  He doesn't, but Jared's ceaseless facial expressions are distracting.  Dean and Sam are once again outside a fleabag motel--why are they not at the bunker?--drinking teeny cups of flavored coffee.

 
Don't you dare try to tell me this tastes like pie! 

Long story short:  Bobby has been summoned to the reading of Bunny's will.  Hoping for beer money, Sam and Dean head off to the Lacroix mansion.  There they are met by the Lacroix clan, a greedy group who can't stand each other.  I have a problem with casting a beautiful woman five years older than Jensen Ackles (Gillian Vigman) as a grotesque cougar, as is the other woman (Debra McCabe) lusting after Sam. 

 
As you can see, a woman around 40 is disgusting. Eew 

At one point Sam is on the couch, testing visitors with a silver butterknife down his cuff.  Cuddled next to one woman,"Come on in, darlin', the water's warm," he says to the other with a smile.  I don't remember much after that.  

There are some nice jokes: after Collette, the first maid, dies, Philip the butler covers up by saying she went to clown college.  For the rest of the episode she is referred to as "Clown College Collette" and it gets funnier every time.  The ladies are into Sam (as they should be).  Dean is referred to as "the cute, dumb one."  Sorry, can't remember the context! This episode is based on the board game "Clue," about which I haven't one.  

The bodies pile up, and the killer is a shapeshifter.  Bunny's daughter Olivia, masquerading as a maid.  Olivia's father was a shapeshifter with whom Bunny had an affair.

Let's pause there.  It must have been a blast to be with a guy who could be ANYONE you wanted, from John Wayne to Marilyn Monroe to Lance Armstrong.  

Bunny passed off the child as Lance's.  The original father came back to get her and was killed by Bobby.  Bunny locked Olivia in the attic for the rest of her life.  There isn't a whole lot of logic to the story, especially since the attic looks like no one had been up there in many years.  Maid outfit or no maid outfit, Olivia sucks at housecleaning.  Not knowing Bobby is dead (for now), Olivia summoned him to the will reading.

   
 The butler didn't do it.  Sam and Dean stand by and listen to the exposition. Dean is still mad about that coffee.

For those who drool over Sam Winchester, my main memories are the many times he got to show himself off like the man-cake he is.  When he and Olivia are circling around the kitchen with guns, I was more distracted by the lovely sheen of sweat at the base of Sam's neck then the tension.  His hair was short but oh-so-fluffy.

   
 "Sorry, dude, but all the screencaps Elisa found are of me.  Can you blame her?" "Bitch."  

Dean gets the drop on Olivia and shoots her.  And shoots her. And shoots her and shoots her and shoots her and shoots her.  He is lit in close-up with his eyes hidden in shadow, making them look black.  

When it's time to leave, he almost punches out the one decent person there, a guy named Dash.  Sam looks concerned--now it's HIS turn--and asks Dean why did he empty an entire clip into the maid?  Dean blows him off with the kind of dangerous tone he used last season when he announced, "this is a dictatorship".  Then he leans over and cranks the music good and loud. That had me fist-pumping and yelling, "Now that's what I'm talking about!" at my cat.  My cat didn't give a crap. 

So that's it. I don't have much to say because...what can I say?  It was an entertaining hour, and one that I doubt I'll rewatch. 

Next week: "Girls, Girls, Girls".  Dean gets a dating app!  Crazed horny witches!  Crowley's--uh, oh, almost spoiled you there.  By one of my fave writers, Robert Berens. 

 RANDOM THOUGHTS 

Does anyone actually use the word WASP any more? 

Did anyone else think the glass all over the floor around the maid looked fake?

Carry On, My Wayward Winchesters: Review, Supernatural Season 10, Episode 5, "Fan Fiction"

When Jeremy Carver said that the 200th episode of "Supernatural" was a "love letter to the fans," groans could be heard throughout the land.  Then came the promo stills of a girls' high school.  High school girls doing a musical about "Supernatural".  One fan tweeted it beforehand with the hashtag #Atrocity.  The knives were sharpened and ready.

This was the Internet's response after seeing "Fan Fiction," written by Robbie Thompson and directed by Phil Scgriccia.



 My twitter timeline exploded.  I rewatched three times in a row until my eyes felt like boiled eggs.  This is "Supernatural: The Musical" in the best possible sense.

 I'm stumped as to how to properly review this episode.  It is packed with in-jokes, fan references, and more meta than you can shake a wooden stake at.   Maybe I should have asked a non-fan to do it, because God knows, I'm biased.

A throwaway line from Sam wondering if there's anything there besides "The Charlie Kaufman of it all," is a brilliant reference to the film Adaptation, written by Charlie Kaufman about a blocked screenwriter named Charlie Kaufman (Nicholas Cage) who is trying to write an adaptation of the (real) non-fiction book The Orchid Thief.  It is trippy and hilarious, rather like "Fan Fiction."

 THEN:

 

NOW: In a high school auditorium, a group of Catholic school girls are rehearsing "Supernatural: The Musical."  Marie (Katie Sarife), the director, is a tiny tyrant who stomps around in a director's beret (but no jodhpurs), accompanied by her technical director, Maeve (Joy Regullano, marvelously deadpan).  The rehearsal turns stormy and the drama teacher slams out, vowing to shut down the show.  "Theater is life!" she yells into her cell phone.  "Why couldn't they put on Godspell like good little skanks?"  Suddenly, a giant scarecrow creature wraps its vines around her and they vanish. Marie is looking at a cheaply made marquee sign saying "Supernatural."  "It needs something," she says:

 
The only one they missed is my favorite, Season 4.  Dang.

We first see Dean in a tight t-shirt, cleaning Baby's fire-red engine, drinking a cup of coffee and standing like a male model, which is obviously intentional, playing on fandom's obsession with Jensen Ackles.

 
"Worship my unreal beauty, slaves."

Sam steps out in a v-neck layer, hair oddly flat. It remains that way throughout the episode--one clanging wrong note.  But since my dream is to take down Jared Padelecki in a flying tackle, I'm giving it a pass. Both actors get to display their comic chops, particularly Ackles. Dean wants to work, so they speed off to the school where the teacher disappeared. 

They enter the auditorium only to see a girl with a trucker's cap and glue-on beard practicing saying "idjits." Horrified, the brothers watch a young girl dressed as "Dean," with blond wig and painted on facial hair launch into a song called "The Road So Far" about the beginning of their lives.  The camera tilts and swings as the Winchesters stare at the stage, replicating their brains imploding.

 

Sam starts to say, "I think it's charming--" but is stopped by Dean's glare.  Sam was briefly a "theater kid" who acted in high school staple 'Our Town,' and did tech for 'Oklahoma'.  Marie thinks they're publishers, disappointed that they are merely "FBI hunters."  Sam sees the "Winchesters" onstage holding out FBI badges, so he quickly stuffs his into his pocket and introduces them: "I'm Agent Smith, and this is Agent..." "Smith," Dean finishes. "No relation."

   
Marie and Maeve are not impressed.

Dean: "There is no singing in Supernatural! If there was singing, and that’s a big if, if there was singing, it would be classic rock. Not this Andrew Floyd Webber crap!" Sam: (under his breath) "Andrew Lloyd Webber." Apparently this was improvised.

 
"We're teddy bear doctors!"

 To keep his brother from completely losing it, Sam suggests he go with Maeve and Dean go with Marie to look in the teacher's office for cursed objects.  As Dean walks backstage, he sees "Sam" and "Dean" leaning against the prop Impala, talking.  When he asks what that is:

Marie: “They’re rehearsing the B.M. scene." 
Dean: “The bowel movement scene?" 
Marie: “No, the boy melodrama scene. You know, the scene where the boys get together and they’re driving or leaning against Baby, drinking a beer, sharing their feelings. The two of them, alone but together, bonded." 

Sam goes to up to the tech booth.  He starts to reminisce about his days as a techie, but Maeve shuts him down and leaves, warning him, "Don't touch anything."  Of course, Sam starts playing with the lights until the actors stare at him with "what the hell?" all over their faces.

When Dean and Marie go into the teacher's office (I demand to know who posed as Shakespeare holding a jackalope's instead of Yorik's skull), Dean puts his hand on a spaceship helmet.  Marie says since the Carver Edlund books had such an unfinished ending, Dean with Lisa and Sam back from Hell, she wrote her own ending. Dean: “You wrote your own ending? With spaceships?" 

Marie: “And robots. And some ninjas...and then Dean becomes a woman." BWAHHAAAHAA!  Since I'm not a fan of anything except Supernatural crack, I love that line. You could consider this whole episode (or most of it) as crack if you wanted to.  Which I want to. Marie defends it as "transformative fiction," which is an argument in fandom as old as time. 

Dean tells her what really happened.  This is done in a long, unbroken tracking shot as they walk back to the auditorium. “Sam came back from Hell, but without his soul. Then Cas brought in a bunch of Leviathans from Purgatory. They lost Bobby. And then Cas and Dean got stuck in Purgatory. Sam hit a dog. They met a prophet named Kevin, they lost him too. Then Sam underwent a series of trials in an attempt to close the Gates of Hell, which nearly cost him his life. And Dean became a demon, Knight of Hell actually."  He finishes with a proud smile.  Marie says that is the worst fanfiction she has ever heard, and says she needs to send him links (hee!)




Sam remarks that besides "the Charlie Kaufman of it all, I don't see a case." Of course they are leaning against Baby. The brothers also find out about "Destiel."  Going back to the car, Sam observes, "Shouldn't it be DEEstiel?" Despite the elder Winchester's freaking out, Sam muses, "Samstiel.  Sastiel.  CasDean?"  "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

When the actress playing "Sam" quits, despite Marie's pleas, she is also taken by the monster.  I'm going to skip ahead before this entire review turns into a moment by moment recap.  Suffice to say they discover  that the monster behind all of this is Calliope, the Muse.  She takes away all of those who interfere with the author's vision--then she eats the author.  This is extremely bizarre, but whatever.  The show must go on.  Marie grabs a wig to play "Sam," (from her one-woman "Orphan Black" show) and announces, "Let's Barbra Streisand this bitch!"



Dean gathers the cast for a pep talk.  He admits Marie's vision isn't his vision, but hearkening back to his Braveheart speech, he announces that “there is no other road, no other way, no day but today.” Maeve: “Did he just quote Rent?" Marie: “Not enough to get us in trouble." (Hee!)

The show goes on.  Marie warns the audience to put on the ponchos under their seats after admitting the show could be a "Gallagher."

Sam and Dean prowl backstage.  It's a symphony of sight gags as "Dean" sings the opening song, "The Road So Far" (which is STILL running through my head, you bastards!).

 
 Same production values as the show itself!

The monster appears and takes Sam away.  He wakes up in the basement, along with the teacher and the student.  Another fantastic moment is a parody of Sam being flung against the wall, this time sloooowly, his feet skidding across the floor.  Calliope appears, and explains why she is particularly interested in "Supernatural": “Supernatural has everything: Life, death, resurrection, redemption. But above all, family. All set to music you can really tap your toe to. It isn’t some meandering piece of genre dreck. It’s epic."

That sound you hear is the Internet breaking.

Dean chases the scarecrow monster backstage, but it throws him across the stage while "Sam" is singing a song about "Dean," "A Single Manly Tear."   In the basement, Sam kills Calliope. At the same time, bellowing "NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS!" "Sam" stabs the scarecrow.  It shuffles towards the edge of the stage and explodes into a mass of purple goo.  Sam(s) save the day!

 


   
I need to know what exactly this shot is imitating!  "Jeremy"?

At the end of the show, the cast joins together for a haunting acoustic rendering of "Carry On, My Wayward Son."  Not only was this the first time in several seasons that I haven't wanted to commit suicide upon hearing it (there will never be peace! They will never be done! Never, I tell you!), it made me cry.

"Who's he?" Dean asks, pointing at one of the actors.
 
"Still in Hell, God, still in hell..."

“That’s Adam, John Winchester’s other kid. He’s still trapped in the cage. In Hell. With Lucifer.” THANK YOU ROBBIE THOMPSON, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

When the show is over, Marie gives Dean the prop "Samulet," which Dean hangs on Baby's rear-view mirror. Dean graciously tells Marie:

 

The Winchesters drive off into the sunset.  Back in the theater, Marie is accepting the last of the congratulations and flowers. Maeve told her that somebody picked up the producer's ticket.  Her mouth dropping in awe, as the camera slowly turns around, Marie faces:

 
Rob Benedict has a renewed reason to do all of those conventions

GOD!  I mean, Chuck!  I mean Carver...oh what the hell, you know what I mean.  By the time this appears, the nit-picking will probably have started, but I'm satisfied, and that's what's important.  

Stuff: Thank you, Robbie Thompson, for the continuous fan-speak, making "fake" Destiel canon, Castiel's song "I Wait For You," and ADAM!!  A million fans will now stop bitching that the writers forgot about the poor bastard.  For saying that Sam and Dean are "too old" to be Sam and Dean.  All the characters: Crowley, Ash, Jody Mills, the Harvelles, the Samulet, etc.  AND NOBODY DIED.

 Canon Problems: You know I had to.  So, if Chuck has been alive all of this time, what's happened to Kevin?  Is Chuck back for good?  Does this mean there is a God?  Is God going to bitch-slap Dean, not to mention Metatron?  If Calliope the Muse is dead, does that mean that around the globe, all writers will instantly have permanent writer's block?  I had it for five years, and it's a bitch.

Hey, at least Dean didn't go demon on Marie's ass.  He's saving it for the next appearance of Tiny Crazed Marine.

Next week: "Clue" comes to life.

Screencaps courtesy of www.homeofthenutty.com

GIFS courtesy of fiercelynormal at Livejournal.com

Ole Black Eyes: Review, Supernatural 9x23 "Do You Believe In Miracles"

Despite expectations, Tuesday's finale did not leave me a sobbing wreck. It left me with my stomach hurting, looking into the darkness, with the urge to cry deep in my heart.  And slightly disappointed that Dean didn't turn into an anime schoolgirl with weird sparkly eyes. I called that one wrong!

“Do You Believe in Miracles,” written by show runner Jeremy Carver and directed by Thomas P. Wright, had to fight not only with the memories of other finales, but also the repeated tropes of the show. Particularly when it comes to death, the brothers’ relationship, etc. There were quite a few derivative scenes and plotlines. But you know something? I didn’t give a damn, even as I was watching and thinking, “Yeah, we’ve seen this before.” And the ending turned a basic “Supernatural” trope on its head.

THEN: Obligatory "Carry On My Wayward Son" montage. This song gets more depressing every year. There will never be any peace for the Winchesters, they will never be done. I'd rather hear "Rock me, Amadeus."



















This joke caused me to get blocked on Twitter by Jim Michaels.  Trufax. 

NOW: The episode picks up where we left off, Gadreel falling to the ground, stabbed, bloodthirsty!Dean being held back by Cas and Sam.  Cas holds him as Sam wrestles away the blade.  They lock Dean in the bunker dungeon (that place proves to be endlessly useful!).  Sam and Castiel put the blade in a metal box...on a table?  WTF?  Are you guys that dumb?

 
"He'll never find it here."  "Yeah."

Metatron has a techie hook up an intercom that blocks out all other signals from Angel Radio. "Metatron?" the techie asks. "Metatron?" Nothing.  "God?" Metatron looks up. "I'm writing a story about love," he says. "Like The Notebook?" asks the techie, adding eagerly, "I love The Notebook!"  Metatron takes the mike and announces to the angels that he is temporarily leaving the heavenly gates closed while he goes on a special trip.  The angels look up from their typewriters and filing, which begs the question: what the fuck are the angels doing, typing and on the phone?  Or all of those angel command centers?  WHAT? WHAT? TELL ME, GODDAMN IT, IT BUGS THE CRAP OUT OF ME EACH EPISODE!

 Metatron has been a great Big Bad.  He's a nerd who wants revenge, the classic "disgruntled employee" who had to listen to God.  He's slimy and funny, going to from ew to holy shit! in the blink of an eye.  Sometimes Curtis Armstrong's mugging gets a bit much.  He sulks and pouts, assumes an authority he's not comfortable with, and overplays his hand.  Also, he monologues about writing, which only got boring by the end.  I like having a Big Bad who doesn't come with a big sign blinking over his head: EVIL!

Following a bloody trail from the bunker, Sam and Cas drive the pimpmobile to find Baby parked with blood all over the seat.Gadreel lays in the grass.  Cas heals him, which burns out a little more of Cas's rapidly decreasing grace.  There's a new, if short-lived Team Free Will. After (literally) puking his guts out, Dean wastes no time summoning Crowley, who is enjoying his reinstatement.


It's good to be the King.

 "I really, really need to kill!" Dean tells everyone's favorite demon.  "What's happening to me?" Crowley: “It’s the Mark. It wants you to kill. The more you kill, the better you feel. The less you kill, the less better you feel." Dean: “How much less better?" Crowley: “One would imagine the least best better."   i.e. dead.

I love Crowley. No wonder he made such a lousy Big Bad last season. As we learned earlier, Cain was the first demon.  Dean's human body can't handle that sort of power.  Dean demands Crowley bust him out of there and get the First Blade.  When Sam, Castiel and Gadreel return to the bunkers--dun dun DUN--they find the Blade and Dean gone.  Seriously, how could they expect anything else? Jeez.

A woman talking on her cell is hit by a car and dies in the street.  But--a pathetic, shuffling figure raises her from the dead!  "Call me...Marv," he tells his flock.

At a watering hole, Dean does research and generally acts like an asshole.  Crowley has fallen hard for Dean.  He asks Dean, "Is this all there is?  Don't you want to howl at the moon (naked with me)?" Next season, Crowley and Cas won't be battling for Dean's soul, they'll be battling for Dean.  "I've loved you for seven seasons!"  "He's grown tired of you, Castiel.  Bugger off." A video of Marv raising the woman from the dead has gone viral.  There have been some complaints about how fast it happened, but I'm guessing those critics are above the age of fifteen.  Kids be having madskillz these days.  Dean leaves to go to Sam, leaving his cheeseburger untouched.  Never a good sign.


"The look of love, is in your eyes..."

Sam awaits at a trailer park for his brother.  He is seriously pissed, so he and Dean have the fight they should have had six episodes ago.  Dean says something defensive about Gadreel.  Sam spits out: "Who you let in the front door in the first place? You tricked me Dean, and now I’m the one who wakes up in the middle of the night seeing my hands killing Kevin, not you.”  You go, Sam!  Stand up for yourself!  We've been waiting for this all season!  It's short-lived, but at this point...


 "It's about goddamn time I got some decent dialogue, beeyotch!"

Nevertheless, they agree to go find Metatron together.  “I’m gonna take my best shot, no matter the consequences,” Dean says. Which might get them killed. “I know,” says Sam. Meaning, I'm not going to try to stop you.  Dean kicks Crowley to the curb.

Miracle woman told Sam Marv's next stop: a homeless encampment. Meanwhile, Cas and Gad in the pimpmobile, pull up in front of a child's playground. The entrance to Metatron's office is through the sandbox! Gadreel pretends that he has captured Castiel (Cas makes a movie reference but I didn't get it either) and they are let in. A whirlwind rises up, the angels disappear and...an office building elevator opens into Metatron's office.  Hee.


 The walls come atumblin'...up?

That is a really cool effect.  Way to go, VFX department!  Cas and Gadreel are locked in Heaven's jail, where Gadreel has spent centuries since letting the serpent into the garden.  And there's Hannah, with her strange pants (seriously, what's with the rolled up cuffs? ), glaring at them.

 
Was her vessel wading at the time?

 Gadreel freaks for obvious reasons.  Cas begs Hannah to listen to him, and she's "I've had enough of your bullshit kthanks".  Gadreel monologues, and after three rewatches I still couldn't figure out what he was saying.  Cas is like, you're redeemed, okay? Gadreel has used a piece of broken concrete to cut the suicide bomber rune into his chest.



 "You're gonna miss my bitchface next season!"


And...BOOM!

 
It's epic when shit blows up!!!

Metatron rolls a shopping cart into the homeless encampment-cum-this week's abandoned warehouse.  He cures a hobo's diabetes.  Another man, an angel, denounces Metatron, trying to tell everyone what a scumbag he is.  "Marv" starts to take out an angel blade, but the crowd goes crazy (great visual of the little schlub inching the blade clumsily up his sleeve), throws a tarp on him and beats the other angel to death.  Metatron kicks the angel blade toward the mob to help finish him off.  He is the happiest little killer angel.


 First day out, and you've turned them into Ukrainians

That night, Sam takes the First Blade out of the impala's trunk (after Dean has had a fast orgasm after touching it) and they agree to go in, Blade blazing.  But then Dean knocks Sam out and off goes the First Blade, Dean tagging after it. The homeless folk know Dean Winchester because Metatron told them he was coming.  Dean walks through an atmospheric red and yellow lit set--why aren't the homeless people living in there?  In my neighborhood, the "tunnel people" live in the train tracks underground.  But I digress.

Dean finds Metatron in the lotus position. I should tell you that my husband came in and laughed during this part, especially when Dean asked if there would be shirts saying "What Would Metatron Do?"  Heh. Until the fight started, and he left but fast.

“The problem with you, Dean, is the cynicism. Always with the cynicism, But most people, even the real belly crawlers living in filth, or Brentwood, they don’t want to be cynical. They just want something to believe in.”  Metatron tells Dean that humanity prays to God when they feel they've "failed" Him, and God "didn't even know their names!"

 
For once, I agree with Metatron. 

“I’m blaming you for Kevin. I’m blaming you for taking Cas’ grace. Hell, I’m blaming you for the Cubs not winning the World Series in the last hundred freaking years. Whatever it is, I’m blaming you.” Dean goes at Metatron--and proceeds to get the ever-living shit beat out of him.  "You've got some superjuice," Metatron says with a grin.  "You have the jawbone of an ass, and it is awesome!" He pauses. "Try being powered by the Word of God."  And resumes beating the shit out of Dean.  Sam arrives in time to see Metatron skewer his brother with an angel blade.

 
 

Dean looks at his brother, and he knows that he's failed at everything, he knows he's going to die and oh god oh jesus Jensen Ackles is just so GOOD...



Upstairs, Hannah leads Castiel to Metatron's office.  Castiel finds the word of God inside the manual typewriter.  Which all writers desperately wish we had.  The tablet, not the typewriter.  Cas drops the tablet at the same moment that Dean falls to the ground.  Metatron poofs out of there to his office.

Metatron has Cas handcuffed to a chair. He gleefully informs Cas that Dean is dead.  He says that Castiel’s purpose wasn’t to "save Heaven or mankind, but to save Dean."  In a scene right out of "A Face In The Crowd," (look it up--it was Andy Griffith's first starring part as the folksy hypocrite Lonesome Rhodes) Metatron monologues about how stupid angels are and that humanity is a pile of bleecch.  "Your problem," Metatron says, preparing to also skewer Cas, "is that you don't know how to tell a story."  "No, but you did."  Cas hitches his head at the live microphone.  The other angels bust in and take Metatron into custody.

Down on earth, Sam is determined to get Dean to a hospital. In a scene that mirrors the beginning of the season, Dean is ready to die. Dean: “It’s better this way. The mark, it’s making me into something I don’t want to be.” Dean: “What happened to you being OK with this?" Sam: “I lied." Dean: “Ain’t 
that a bitch." 
 


 Dean stops Sam, looks at his brother and I'm starting to cry just typing this.  "I'm proud of us," he says, and dies.

 

Sam cups Dean's head, in direct reference to S2 "All Hell Breaks Loose Part One" and starts crying.  Shoot me, but I didn't quite buy Jared's acting.  There was only one tear, not tears and snot and messiness like all of the other times his brother died.  That is one of the strangest sentences I have ever written.

Blind Faith's "Can't Find My Way Home" starts and oh god I'm just staring, not crying, just staring.  Sam brings Dean's body to the bunker, places it on a bed, and leaves to drink himself  into oblivion.



Sam goes into the dungeon, prepared to summon Crowley and get Dean back.  We've been here before. But we haven't.  Crowley is already in the bedroom, staring down at Dean's dead body.  Dean looks SO DEAD. His limbs and face are yellow, his lips are blue, he looks DEAD.  It gives me chills.

 

Crowley sits by Dean's body, gazing at it sadly.  "Your brother's summoning me," he says.  Side note: hasn't Crowley had to come immediately when summoned, unless he's in a devil's trap?  This scene's too good to quibble.  Crowley didn't expect Dean to die.  He talks about...something.  Then tells Dean he's not dead, that he's entering into a "new kind of life."  Crowley puts the Blade in Dean's hand and places it over his heart.  "See what I see.  Feel what I feel.  Now let's go howl at the moon."

   
EEEEEEEEEEK!

So, Crowley got Dean after all.  "I win, Cas!"  We leave Sam a basket case, Castiel's grace burning out, Gadreel dead, Metatron sulking in Angel Jail and the Gates of Heaven still closed.   That's all, folks!

I need to go lie down.