Dean's Too Sexy For His Shirt: Review, Supernatural, S10 Ep 1, "Black"

Supernatural is back for a tenth season.  Holy crap.  As much as I hope they hang up the gloves after this season, I was still excited for the premiere, and it delivered.

“Black” kicks things off to a rip-roaring start. Written by Jeremy Carver and directed by Bob Singer, it interweaves several plot threads. Two are compelling and the third is...angels. Damn, and we were thisclose.

“The Road So Far” rocks out to “Heartbreaker” by Pat Benatar: Gadreel, Kevin being killed, Metatron, monsters, Castiel’s stolen grace...need I go on?

“NOW” A comely female demon is trussed up for our first season’s taste of torture porn. A gaunt, furious Sam, his right arm in a sling, is slicing and dicing her for answers. He slashes her throat to “make the call” to Hell. I was hoping he’d gulp down the blood.  Instead, he grabs her face and yells:


 

"WHERE'S MY BROTHER?"


 Kick. Ass.



“Four weeks later”. Sam is back to being regular Sam, a massive disappointment, especially because he won’t be a BAMF for the rest of the episode. Come on, guys! After that scene? I want Sam kicking down doors and strangling people! Stabbing demons in the back! The good stuff! Not reading books on demonic possession (which Sam, of all people, should know about) and eating cereal. Dean has been gone for six months, as Crowley mentions later.  Sam doesn't know if Dean is even Dean any more.  Where that comes from, I have no idea.  It's lampshading, but unnecessary, because we already know Dean is a demon.

When Sam finds a clue, a guy who’s probably been possessed himself who was killed in a local Gas n' Sip, he calls Cas.

Castiel is starring in his own version of La Boheme as Mimi, the consumptive heroine, lying in a creaky iron bed in a garret, coughing.

 
Any minute now, Rodolfo and his friends are gonna bust in with wine and a baguette.

Cas wants to help out, but it’s obvious he needs to stay in bed wearing that yummy blue robe and exposing a nipple while talking to Sam. As Cas lies coughing out of a lung under a shot of an overhead fan, the disco sound of Right Said Fred kicks in--

Yeah, baby! It’s Karaoke Night at the Black Spur! Dean is mangling “I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt,” enjoying himself far more than the other patrons. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!!  Dean really cannot sing.  I could have watched an entire episode of Dean gargling out bad 80s covers.


Everyone's ears are bleeding, and it's not because of angel radio.

Demon Dean is happy happy happy. He beds the waitress, when Crowley busts in. “That’s my bed!”  What, Dean and Crowley are staying together and they’re not in plusher digs? Although it might not be as much fun if they were in a luxury hotel and Dean was growling songs at a sophisticated dinner establishment. Then again...



"Care to join us, my Queen?"

Unlike some reviewers, I don’t think Demon Dean is hiding reservoirs of pain. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. Crowley has finally landed the man of his dreams (well, the other man of his dreams, if last season was anything to go by). They’re living up to the long-promised idea that Crowley is bisexual.  By implication Dean is his occasional sex partner (“We’ve done extraordinary things to triplets,” Crowley mentions). Dean shrugs his shoulders at being in Crowley’s bed. “Bitch,” he says. “Jerk,” Crowley responds. I giggle.  Fandom goes into screaming outrage mode.

Sam visits the police station in the little town and watches surveillance footage of a guy killing another guy in a Gas-n’-Sip.  The police officer refers to the killer as "Porn Guy."  We see the guy quietly reading Busty Asian Beauties.  Then the second guy approaches “Porn Guy” with a knife.  Oops. Idiot gets himself carved up with the First Blade, after which "Porn Guy" picks up the magazine, dusts it off and leaves.  Sam recognizes Dean, and freaks when he sees Dean has black eyes.



"Shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit"

After the commercial break, we have the well-worn trope of some crazed guy doing a crazed workout, plenty of muscles on display. Unfortunately for all of us, it’s not Sam, it’s some tiny ex-Marine who has a gazillion weapons. He’s after Dean, for reasons so far unknown. And frankly, I don’t care. Crazed Marines are sort of...over. And Travis Aaron Wade is an inch shorter than Mark Sheppard, for God's sake!  AT 5'9", he's almost a foot shorter than Jared Padalecki.

There is a hilarious scene in the Gas n’ Sip where Sam interviews Mickey the Convenience Store Guy (Zachary Gulka) , whose re-enactment of the murder can’t be topped. “Say my name! Say my name! Say! My! Name!” the kid yells gleefully. Great “Breaking Bad” reference.

 
Give this guy a spin-off!

Mickey gives Sam the dead guy's phone.  Sam calls Crowley.  When Crowley realizes that it’s Sam, he wonders, “It took you long enough. Your brother and I were beginning to wonder if you’d hit another dog.” Oh, snap! He informs Sam that Dean is not possessed, that the only twisted soul is Dean’s own.


"You're good.  But I'm Crowley."

“He’s my best friend, my partner in crime,” Crowley says with relish. “They’ll write songs about us, graphic novels: The Misadventures of Crowley and Squirrel. Dean Winchester completes me. And that’s what makes you lose your chickens.” Oh, Crowley, I love you.  Never change.

Problem is, Dean is digging the never-ending road trip. And he doesn’t care if Crowley takes off without him. Crowley has been sending Abbadon loyalists after Dean to keep the Mark of Cain sated.  Crowley is pissed.  He nursed Dean back to "health" and has been trailing along after his mancrush, waiting to get down to business, making Hell Hell again.  Dean radiates "fuck off, lil' dude".

One distraction:  Crowley keeps standing directly in front of Dean.  Who has shown his deftness with the First Blade.  What if Dean decides, on a whim, to off the King of Hell?

Hannah shows up on Cas’s garret doorstep. Coughing and looking like shit, he agrees to accompany her to capture two rogue angels who are refusing to go to Heaven. Haven’t we seen this enough? Wasn’t Castiel the first rogue angel? Not only that, Hannah tells him that Heaven is holding meetings, reorganizing, and reconciling. So what do they need a dying Cas for?

   
Cas is righteously pissed when he discovers it's not Dean who was knocking.

Long story short, rogue angels, philosophizing about freedom, blah blah, angel killing, Hannah and Cas talk about free will.  There, that's out of the way.

Back in Sleazy Town, Dean is drunk, slurring his way through “Imaginary Lovers”. (Goof alert: when he punches out the bouncer, the screen shows “I’m Too Sexy".) He ends up back at the motel with the waitress. He calls her a skank. GOD, did I want Ellen Harvelle to come in and kick his ass from here to next week!

 
"What the fuck did you just call her, boy?"

Is it just me, or did the misogyny in this show dial up to 11 after Sera Gamble left?  The waitress whimpers, “part of me feels I deserved that.”  She should have shoved a shot glass up Dean's ass.

Sam’s car stalls on a dark road. In a moment of sheer (if convenient) OOC stupidity, he lets a short guy in combat boots offer to help.  It's Tiny Crazed Marine,  who punches Sam unconscious. I was amazed TCM could reach that high. Tiny Crazed Marine looks at the massive man lying on the ground and grins, “I guess you’re a rightie.”  And I guess you were standing on a box.

Sam wakes up in a barn for the first of this season’s Sam-Tied-Up scenes. The fans love this, everyone except me.  It's getting to be as old as crazed muscle men working out.  When TCM tells Sam that Dean is his prey, “I suggest you turn around and run right back to the army recruiting poster that spit you out,” Sam snarks.


Tiny Crazed Marine stands on a box and threatens Sam.

TCM calls Dean with Sam’s phone. Dean is driving.  He answers and says, “I left an open bar tab. Knock yourself out.” Tiny Crazed Marine tells him that he is going to kill Sam.

Dean shrugs. Whatever’s going on, it’s Sam’s problem. “There’s no trade. There’s no meet-up, no nothing except the 100 percent guarantee that somewhere down the road I will find you and I will kill you.”

Tiny Crazed Marine holds the phone in confusion, Sam tied up nearby. Dean drives through the night rain, no expression on his face. He really doesn’t give a shit.  Hoo-boy!

That's it 'til next week, kidlets!  When we find out why Tiny Crazed Marine wants to kill Dean (I think), Dean and Sam meet (I think), and stuff.

P.S. Metatron is still in Heaven's prison.  At some point, shenanigans will ensue.

Dean Gets Laid, Sam's Still Screwed: Supernatural 9x08 Review, "Rock And A Hard Place"

Shit, I can't believe it's been a week since I saw the show!  First there was Thanksgiving, then doing stuff and things.  I rewatched it this morning so I could slap up a review in time before tomorrow night--WHEN I HAVE PLAY TICKETS.  But enough about my personal hell--let's do the show!

"Rock and A Hard Place" marked an epochal event: my husband sat through an episode with me.  You have to understand, this is a man who won't even call the show by its name.  Who expects me to know every baseball player in every team since the 1950s, but who can't be bothered to learn who Sam and Dean are.  Not only did he sit through it, he laughed his ass off.  Kudos to writer Jenny Klein and director Johnny MacCarthy. Two things that made me a  happy girl:


JODY MILLS!!! 


TACKY MOTEL ROOM! PLAID WALLPAPER!

This was another standalone episode (4 out of 8 so far), and another attempt to recreate the feeling of old-time Supernatural. There's a MOTW taking people, the guys go on a traditional hunt, the beast is vanquished, and Dean is left with his soul-devouring guilt at his brother's plight.  Was it only Season 3 that Dean wasn't suffering soul-devouring guilt about Sam? 

"Rock And A Hard Place" was funny as hell, and if the MOTW didn't turn out to be very frightening, who cares?  Dean finally got laid again!  (Somewhere, Cas is weeping quietly.)

The first thing that jumped out at me was that there were so many women in this episode!  Of course fandom: "stereotypes! One-dimensional! Non-con!"  Oh, shut up.  You want deep, watch "Breaking Bad."

First, they reintroduce the wonderful Sheriff Mills (Kim Rhodes--she's real and she's spectacular), who calls the guys when people in a small town in South Dakota go missing.  It's great to see her again!  Mills has gone back to the church to find "comfort", the way Sam and Dean do in each other.  As Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles said in this interview: "Comfort each other? They push each other, they lie to each other, they kill each other--[comfort],that's fanfiction." Heh.

Second, in a twist on the typical opener, a young woman closes a restaurant late at night and gets snatched by a being covered in blue fire...and doesn't die.  Or fade into the wallpaper. Honor is thrown into a hole and lands on a table, breaking her leg.  Nonetheless, she is brave enough to go through the tunnels of the underground cavern she wakes up in, only to find three other townspeople who'd gone missing.  Honor doesn't lose her cool, she doesn't whine, she keeps it together when the one man in the group freaks out.


"Get it together, you pussy."

The missing people are all part of a "purity group" at a local church.  After meeting with Bonnie (Lindy Booth), the perky leader of the purity group, Sam and Dean sign pledges that, in effect,re-hymenates them. “Congratulations, Sam and Dean Winchester. You are both virgins.” Much to Dean's glee. What a horndog.


"God loves you.  And my panties are damp."

At the purity group meeting, one woman wants to read a poem, "God Is A Racquet And His Ball Is In Your Court," but is told to wait.  The "purity counselor," Suzy (Susie Abromeit), is a hot blonde who looks familiar to Dean.  Sam admits he has a...bad history...with women.  Dean starts out with a sappy story about one-night-stands, but can't help himself and goes into a lengthy description of hot sex.  The women in the group melt as one, including the poet crumpling her poem as Dean describes orgasm.


Orgasm or bad gas?  You be the judge!

Much to Sam's horror,  he sees Dean offering to walk Suzy to her place.  He is going to hit that or die trying.  Dean and Suzy go back to her place.  He is happy happy happy.  Which is so much fun to see.  Horny, happy Dean!  How we've missed you.  Dean checks out her butt when he sits to pray with her, agrees to read a crapload of books on chastity, and when she's out of the room, finds out why he knows her: she's "Carmelita" starring in the Casa Erotica picture "Cabana Nights."


Check out those maracas!

Suzy left town and changed her name.  But keeping her porno DVDs? Mixed signals, anyone?  Some folks in the fandom went all cray-cray about "consent" "rape" because Suzy and Dean get it on, cabana style.  Dean has only praise for her work.  She's his "good dreams." She's an artiste.  The man has so few pleasures in life, and for once he's not confusing reality with porn.  Reality is porn!  “The things you can do. The scene with the tacos. It made want to join a mariachi band just to be near you.”  The entire scene is played as a bad porno, down to speaking Spanish and the cheesy background music.  When I mentioned to my (disclaimer: feminist, liberal) husband that some people had, er, issues about this scene, he stared at me in bafflement and said, "It was funny!"  Word.

After having sex, Dean and Suzy are swept away--but not by each other, by blue fire.  By the way, did anyone else have a problem with the monster's fire looking like Sterno?

Meanwhile, back in Plaid Land, Sam and Jody have discovered that all of the people taken were people who had broken their "purity pledge."  Vesta, a Roman goddess who needs virgins to tend to her, kills them and eats their livers.  Boy, it's hard times for non-Christian deities on Supernatural.  They head to Suzy's place, where they find wreckage and the Casa Erotica CD.  "I think I know what Dean crossed off his bucket list," Sam says.

In the underground cavern, Mr. Girly-Pants has a hissy fit that they have to feed Honor to the monster.  Meanwhile, his fiancee is so thirsty she scratches the walls until her nails break and bleed.  Then she sucks on her bloody fingers!  YEEEEK!  I love you, Show, especially when you make me want to puke. Dean and Suzy are plunked down with the others.

Instead of an abandoned warehouse, this time Sheriff Mills and Sam find a deserted farm, which must have been owned by a psycho during the Cold War, because who else would have an underground bunker under his cattle? (Note: the sign Suzy brushes the dirt off is a Bomb Shelter sign from olden times so I'm actually right.)  Dean somehow gets a ladder and a pair of scissors and tries to screw Suzy a little screw on the top.  But before Jody and Sam get him out, they're attacked by Bonnie, who is VESTA!  She's a screechy girl with a blue finger.  The weapon of choice is a stake dipped in virgin's blood--but Vesta stabs Jody in the chest with the stake!  GACK! At this point, I was dreading Zeke popping out yet again.  Instead, Vesta sees that Sam is dead--as in physically dead--inside.  His liver is useless.  While her head is turned, Jody pulls the stake out of her chest and stabs Vesta!  Kick.  Ass.

Back in Plaid Land, Sam wonders if he's just fucked and that's how it is.  Somehow, nothing anyone has said to him  (should I get out the laundry list?) has made a dent in Pre-Law Boy's head.  Nor has his brother telling him whoppers and acting as guilty as a labrador with a bone pulled out of the garbage.  Dean decides to fess up, but sho' nuff, Zeke pop out and threatens to leave Sam.  At the end, we are once again treated to Dean being devoured by self-crushing guilt, topped with helplessness.


Don't worry, Dean, we are all done with this crap.

And now for your gratuitous angel nudity.



Here's my best guess for tomorrow's episode.  To no one's surprise, Ezekiel isn't healing Sam--he's killing him!  Because Sam is a vessel!  Didn't see that coming, did you?   Nah, you probably did.

Hot Pink! Supernatural review, 9x06, "Heaven Can't Wait"

"Heaven Can't Wait" was one of the best episodes of what has been, overall, an excellent season.  I flat-out loved it.  Perhaps because this was by a new writer, Robert Berens.  The overall mythology arc was smoothly handled in small amounts and not jammed in arbitrarily ("Slumber Party," anyone?)   The A-plot and B-plot wove together nicely, providing crucial moments of growth for several of the characters.  It had humor, pacing, drama, and a large dollop of manpain.

I'm probably one of the only viewers who enjoys the episodes where Dean and Sam are separated.  It's refreshing to watch how each of them interacts with other characters.  The A-plot is Dean and Castiel; the B-plot is Sam and Crowley. Let's start with the obvious.  Dean is being a real asshole.   They can't use the word on the show, but it's my review and I calls it as I sees it.  Another complaint: Sam has been combing his hair with guck.


Girlfriend is bustin' out the Brylcreem

At a Gas-n-Sip in Idaho, Castiel is earning Best Employee of the Millennium.  He's known as "Steve" (no Clarence? MEEGGGG!).  We watch him happily make his morning rounds, filling the coffee urns, putting in the cash drawer, and just being too adorable in a dorky blue vest.  His boss is a blonde hottie (when she first entered, I groaned inwardly, anticipating sweet, sweet loving that wouldn't end up with Cas killed).  She finds his toothbrush, etc. in the supply room, and his sleeping bag in the back.  Cas says that he likes to stay late to do inventory.  He totes has a home with a bed in it. 

Despite this, she asks him if he's free the next night, saying it's so hard to meet a great guy these days, especially since she's a single mom.  She tells him to be at her house at 7 the following night and gives him a quick kiss.

Back at the bunker, Kevin has managed to translate the angel tablet into a dead language, so it's time for everybody to hit the books!

After a suicidal guy is blown to smithereens by a guy with a cross earring, Cas calls Dean.  Brusquely, Cas tells Dean there's a case. Sam says if there's a case, he should come along, but Dean waves him off with an excuse--who cares what by now.  He doesn't dare have Zeke and Cas in the same vicinity. Dean flees the bunker faster than a weasel on crack. Suicidal guy has coated his abode with a moist hot pink bleeccch.


"I know it's vaporized human, but dang, this would be a great color for my kid's bedroom."

Dean hustles to Rexford, Idaho, and goes straight to the Gas-n-Sip.  Where, to no one's surprise, Castiel is none too pleased to see his former BFF.


"Hello, Dean. Fuck off and die."

Dean wastes no time re-establishing his asshole cred by belittling Castiel's job.   He assumes it's because of "the girl."  But Castiel is proud of how he does his job.  "You're better than this," Dean claims.  Oh, yeah, a guy with no money, no resume and no fixed address has so many options.  Pot, meet kettle.  Cas says his work has human dignity, but Dean says, "Wow. So you went from fighting heavenly battles to nuking taquitos." "Nachos, too," Cas adds.

Meanwhile, a teen is wailing into her cell because her boyfriend had the gall to break up with her in real time, instead of Facebook.  Heh.   She turns, and Earring Boy puts his hand on her and she explodes in a cloud of hot pink liquid.  Wow, that sentence came out SO much more porny than I meant.  When Dean and Cas arrive, Cas freaks.  This is the work of a Rit Zein, the angels that put wounded angels out of their misery on the battlefield.  A Rit Zein has never been on Earth, so they have no clue as to the ebb and flow of human emotion.  All they feel is the pain.  Because Middle America is one big cauldron of despair, this angel will be racking up a triple-digit body count in no time.

Taking a brief break from being an asshole, Dean drives Cas to his date and helps him prep.  It's a really sweet scene.  Whatever their situation, Dean and Cas have great chemistry.  Dean convinces him to ditch the blue vest, and unbutton his shirt.  At the door, Cas waves Dean away like an embarrassed teen.  Only to find out that the hottie has a date, but not with him.  He's been tricked into babysitting.  "She never cries," the hottie assures him.  As soon as she's out the door, the baby starts yowling.


COULD THIS BE ANY CUTER???

Cas quiets the baby by singing the theme song to "Greatest American Hero," which is a tad anvilicious, but who cares?  (Note: the original script called for Cas to sing "Highway To Hell," but there were apparently budget problems.  Damn!!)  That Misha Collins manages to sing in Castiel's deep, growly voice is a real achievement.  When the baby won't stop crying, Cas rocks it back and forth, taking the opportunity to meditate how hard it is to negotiate a big, frightening world.

Back at the bunker, Sam is trying to get Crowley to translate the dead language.  The dynamic between Sam and Crowley has changed.  Sam is in charge now, and can walk away and shut the doors on Crowley any time he damn well pleases.  Crowley fakes being conciliatory, but then throws the balled-up paper in Sam's face.  Sam says he's going to hand over Crowley to Abbadon.  "She's scarier than you've been in years," he snarks. 

Crowley says he'll do it, for one phone call.  "Even Dahmer got a phone call," he points out.  Sam puts a bowl on the table and prepares to draw blood, but Crowley wants Kevin's blood.  Once the blood is boiling, Crowley discovers the hell of voice-mail, hell style.  "I've been put on hold," he grumps. Once he is put through to Abbadon, they have a satisfyingly nasty conversation.  She is voiding his contracts, taking souls before their time.  While he fumes, she snarls that he is "King of the Bureaucrats."  Abbadon intends to tear apart Crowley's orderly Hades.  I was reminded of "Season Seven, Time For A Wedding!" when Crowley admonishes a demon, "This isn't Wall Street, this is Hell!  We have a little thing
called integrity!"


"If I was Hannibal Lecter, you'd be scared out of your panties."


"I go commando, you pussy!"

Crowley translates the "doodles," and it's not good news.  Metatron's spell is irreversible.  Not that Crowley gives a fuck.  While Sam and Kevin are hyperventilating over this latest turn, Crowley palms the syringe that Kevin used.

The baby has a fever.  Earring Boy, aka Ephram shows up, presumably drawn by her pain.  But no, it's Cas he's there for.  He speechifies about how Castiel was once legendary, but has failed at everything.  His pain can be heard for miles.  Ephram berates Cas for choosing to be human.  But before Ephram can blast Cas into a big spray of pink liquid (okay, here comes the fanfic--geez, another double entendre--what is it with this episode?), Dean busts in with an angel blade.  The reason is too convoluted to explain.  You wanna know, watch the show.

Ephram does the de rigeur move of throwing Dean across the room, but Dean slides the angel blade across the floor to Cas.  Who promptly dispatches Ephram, earring and all.  It feels peremptory, as if there was a missing scene. 

Somehow, Dean and Cas manage to clean up the mess and hide the dead body before the single mom returns.  She tells Cas that he's "special" because he cares, or something to that effect.  Cas gets into the Impala with Dean.

Bunker: Sam is washing the blood bowl, when he spots something awry with his junkie kit.  A syringe is missing.  He heads to where Crowley is and peeks around the door.  To see Crowley injecting Kevin's blood, then sitting back, sighing with relief. What does this mean?  Is Kevin's prophet blood somehow purer than Sam's blood?  Is Kevin's blood helping Crowley get back to his demonic self?

The next morning, Cas is still in the Impala with Dean, and a million shippers go nuts on tumblr.  Dean compliments Cas on adapting, gives him a half-assed apology for throwing his BFF out, and then lies to Cas about the angel spell.  Cas feels he should accompany Dean to help save the angels. "You're human now, you let me and Sam take care of the angels."  That's DeanSpeak for "I don't want you anywhere near my brother, sorry, pal.  And I'll conveniently forget that you're Heaven's most wanted.  See ya!"


Yes, Dean, we're all done with this crap, too.

Between Dean and Ephram, Castiel's self-esteem has been ground finer than sand,  With an air of defeat, he starts his day. He flips on the overhead TV and hears newsmen talking about the "meteor shower."  He turns it off.  The episode ends with Cas sadly staring at the sky.


“Thanks for ruining my life, Dean.  Again."

Zeke didn't show up for this episode, so no drinking game.
 However, here's:

Yucky gratuitous angel nudity

Castiel had better strip down again, because it's getting harder to find GAN pics.  On the upside, there's always Jared Padalecki.