Movie Review: "Victor Frankenstein" What Is Dead Should Stay Dead And Not Remade

I've been away for a long time.  Wasting my time on tumblr and twitter, being generally paralyzed by the state of the world, the usual.  But I've found myself wanting to write about films.  Currently I am screening the films of Daniel Radcliffe.  I was knocked out by Swiss Army Man, about which more in a future entry.  I've never seen more than a few minutes of Harry Potter.  So I don't come encumbered with any baggage when I watch his films.

So, I’ve been watching Victor Frankenstein, and I have to say, it stinks. Both James MacAvoy and Daniel Radcliffe do their damndest to bring the story to life. But not only have we seen this before, we have to wait for a hellishly long time for the monster.  Which then explodes in a series of blinding flashes and complete nonsense.  At the end the movie sets itself up for a sequel. Since it flopped, I doubt one is forthcoming.

Watching on my computer screen is a blessing.  I can stop the movie, do some chores, and come back. I can’t imagine sitting through this on the big screen.

Good evening, I'll be your tortured freak for the evening

The beginning is by far the best part of the movie, when Igor (Daniel Radcliffe) is the abused nameless hunchback/gifted doctor in the circus who is freed by Victor Frankenstein (James McAvoy).  Amazingly enough, the “hump” is a gigantic 18-year-old abscess.  Um, okay.  The first intensely homoerotic sequence is Victor smashing the hunchback against a pillar to straighten his body.  Victor names him Igor.  Igor is amazed at standing up.  He is told to take a shower and dress and do something about his hair. Amazingly enough, he knows how to shower, shave, and cut his hair.

Why look, it’s Daniel Radcliffe.

Within hours, his gait has straightened, learned to dress himself in spiffy Victorian fashion, and stride jauntily around the streets of London. Throughout the picture, Radcliffe manages to suggest his former self at moments. But for the most part he becomes a proper English gentleman able to dance, fall in love and have sex with Lady Sybil from Downton Abbey. She has no real identity because we come for the monster, stay for the hot and heavy bromance.  I love a good potential ship as much as the next fan, but I wanted to slap James McAvoy.  My god, man, you probably didn’t need to go to craft services because you were too busy chewing scenery.

Aaaaacting!

Victor and Igor create a chimpanzee and bring it to life, but it turns out to be a crazed killer in a sequence that doesn’t get anybody killed but does break a lot of glass. Hunted by an extremely dull police inspector, they hide out in a castle and bring the monster to life in the last 10 minutes.  Right before the whole big bang finale, we hear Igor saying, “you know the story” which serves to make the ending of the movie even more tedious.

It involves lots of shouting in the rain.  The monster is–well–a monster.  Tries to kill everyone, there are explosions, screams, minor characters falling to their death blah blah blah.  I’ve watched the ending twice and I still can’t figure out what’s going on. Explosions, majestic faux-classical chorus, people screaming. That’s okay, I’ll wait it out.  By the way, there’s huge pieces of metal, guns, electricity–how come it doesn’t occur to anyone to stab the bloody thing in the HEAD?

The movie flopped, in part because of its bloated budget. If the filmmakers hadn’t be so in love with their Sherlock knock-off, they might have cut 30 minutes and cut the redundant dialogue about life/death God/man. Why bother when we know the ending?

It’s not all bad. I opened my mail, paused it and made some phone calls, looked it up on imdb.com and got to look at Daniel Radcliffe. He is sexy and adorable. I’ve only seen him as adult actor. So I have Harry Potter reference points. Probably good, because then I might be thinking of the Boy Who Lived instead of the Monster Who Died.

Wee! Winchester! Supernatural Review: 10x12, "About A Boy"

Last Tuesday, I had an interesting experience.  The night "About A Boy," written by Adam Glass and directed by DP Serge Ladouceur aired, I liked it, especially Leslie Nicol's hammy glee as the Witch.  Then I went on Twitter, and jumped into the negativity and forgot that I'd liked it.  There was so much freaking out.  So on to rewatch the next day.

It is so much fun. Sam doesn't resort to his copy of The Fountainhead!  Not once!  He leaves it back at the bunker!  There is a strong woman character who doesn't die!

THEN:  Montage of witch stuff, and that sorta-crappy episode where Dean's at the boy's home.

NOW:  A drunk named JP is thrown out of a bar.  He's going to his car, but a huge scar-faced guy intercepts, squeezes a hex bag, huge flash of light.  A homeless guy who's seen the whole thing stares up into the sky.

PICSPAM!

Montage of Dean reading tribal tattoo books, looking at tattoo removal websites, generally being bummed about the MOC.  Sam comes into Dean's room wearing the Ugly Shirt of Doom (seriously, that thing needs to be burned, and what is it with pearl buttons on almost all of Sam's clothes?) and tells Dean they've got a case.


Don't make me tuck this shirt in, Dean.

The brothers Winchester drive to the town where JP disappeared.  A homeless guy is convinced it's aliens (prizes to whichever makeup person made those yellow/bloody teeth).  Dean goes into the bar while Sam goes to JP's apartment.

In the bar, Dean has his first strong drink of the post-hiatus.  The Mark starts to throb, but a comely blonde, Tina (Kehli O'Byrne), starts talking to him about JP.  Soon, they are sitting at a table, a couple of companionable drunks.  Dean tells a great story about learning how to make macaroni and cheese dozens of different ways, including Marshmallow Fluff (ack!).  "Sam thought it was exotic."  AND WE GET THIS GREAT SMILE!


It's like staring into the sun

She leaves, and Scarface gets her in the parking lot.  Dean runs after him, bright light, flash...Dean finds himself in the dusty basement of an old house, trapped.  In the next room is Tina, also de-aged (Madeleine Arthur, in another marvelous performance).  Dean looks at himself in the mirror and does a perfect "sonovabitch!".

Sam comes to the bar, looking for Dean.  He hears the phone ring, and sees the bartender turning it off, along with poking into Dean's jacket.  When Sam asks him where he got it, the bartender smart-mouths him, and we get THIS



Do NOT piss off protective Sam!

Sam smashes the guy's head into the bar.  BAMF Sam!!  By the dumpster, he finds Dean's shoe and gun, covered with flower dust.

In the motel, Sam hears a knock, and has to bend nearly double to look through the peephole.  He opens the door to find Teen!Dean (Dylan Everett).

Dylan Everett has been widely praised for his portrayal of 36-year-old Jensen Ackles.  Brown eyes aside, it's uncanny.  His scenes with Jared Padalecki are hilarious.  And Padalecki seems invigorated by working with a different actor.  Throughout the episode, the brotherly banter is spot-on.


Dean, you've got brown eyes!

Teen!Dean (or Little Dean, as I call him) gets in the drivers seat and adjusts Baby's front seat, smashing Sam's knees into the dashboard.  Sam drives.


And you thought the lack of seat belts was a problem.

You've read all of the other review/recaps, so I'm going to make this quick.  The scene between Little Dean and Sam is perfect.  Dylan Everett is so good as Dean, I forgot at moments it was a different actor.  And the dialogue was delicious. Dean confesses, “There was a Taylor Swift song on the bus that I hopped to the motel and I liked it, Sam. I liked it a lot.”


It's no longer like staring into the sun

Litltle Dean: “There’s some good news, though: virgin liver. So what’d you say when we’re done doing our hero thing, we take it for a test drive." Sam:“Yeah, sure. I mean, you can drink again in what, like seven years?" Little Dean: “That’s not funny." Sam: “That’s kind of funny." They get to the house where Little Tina is trapped. Dean slides into the basement window, and tells Sam to follow.

Sam: “Dude, I’m way too big to fit in that." Little Dean: “First time you ever had to say that, huh?" Sam: “Big talk coming from the dude wearing Underoos."

Let's just race through the story.  Hansel (Mark Acheson) of Hansel and Gretel fame (boy, did he grow up fugly) works for the witch of the story.  He has a hex bag that turns adults into kids when he squeezes it.  That last sentence sounds like something out of the kind of fan-fiction I avoid reading.

He grabs Little Dean, who can't break his grip because...well, he's little. Sam clocks Hansel on the back of the head and yells, "DON'T!" when Hansel starts to get up.


Even de-aged, Dean knows how to handle a flashlight!

Witch is de-aging adults because in the USA, people notice when children disappear. Dean and Sam make a deal with Hansel to take down the Witch.  They go to her kitchen, mayhem ensues, Sam gets thrown into a wall,


After seeing this, I will never take Downton Abbey seriously.
"Shit, not AGAIN..."

Dean grabs the hex bag, squeezes it, becomes an adult, shoves the hex bag into the Witch's mouth, and shoves her into the huge oven.

Afterward, Little Tina decides she wants to stay an emancipated minor.  "A second chance," she calls it.  Dean looks like he wants to stab himself in the face.


"You guys know how to make fake IDs, right?"

After seeing off Tina on a bus, the Winchesters get into Baby, Dean turns on the radio.  Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" is playing.  To Sam's horrified disbelief, Dean listens happily as they drive into the sunset.


Sam is horrified.  Twitter has a seizure.

I loved BAMF Sam, although my pleasure was diminished when he was once again thrown into the wall and can't up.  I understand why Dean had to kill the Witch, but it was too bad Sam was too busy licking the floor to help.

Random thoughts:

Many Twitter users went batshit over the use of the Taylor Swift song.  Guys, it's a JOKE. And a good joke!

Sam leaving The Fountainhead in the bunker makes me ridiculously happy.

It felt like an old-school MOTW episode.

Tonight:  I have no idea.  I haven't watched the promos.  Too busy.

We're Off To Kill The Wizard: Review, Supernatural 10x11, "There's No Place Like Home"

In recent months, Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles have been working the convention circuit relentlessly.   Videos of the panels show them having fun, cracking each other up, dancing, etc.



Video from SF Con 2015 courtesy of Shaunae Perry

"Y'all are the reason we're here," Jared says at every panel, and I'm starting to wonder if he doesn't mean the amounts J2 get paid to show up at these events.  Then they come to work and it's as if they're too tired and hungover to care.

The contrast between Jared in the show and Jared on the stage...does he even care any more?   Guest stars and series regulars with family issues are taking up the slack.  The show is only nominally about the Winchesters.  The credits should read: "Special Guest Stars: Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles".

This egregious pile of crap was shoveled on us by Robbie Thompson (who wrote the other episode about Oz, "Slumber Party") and directed by Phil Sgriccia.  It's as if the show reached out of the television and vomited directly into my brain.

THEN: A montage of Charlie Bradbury, adorably nerdy lesbian with mad computer skills and at times teeth-gratingly cute.  A montage from "Slumber Party," ending with Charlie and Dorothy going down the yellow brick road to fight a war in Oz.  Montage of Mark of Cain!Dean being murderous.  Oh, goody!  He's going to kill somebody again!  WOO-HOO!

NOW: Exterior of house, crashing noises and shouts.  A man in a bathrobe, hands bound, face bloody, tears ass out of his house.  He lands on the lawn where a dark figure looms about him.  It's--Charlie in black!  "Who doesn't love a little torture," she purrs and out!

We're in the bunker, where research!Sammy is looking for the lore on the Mark which we've already been told doesn't exist.  Hello...how about THE BIBLE?  Instead, having finished Catcher In The Rye, he's moved on to The Fountainhead. Dean is preventing the MOC from taking over by gagging down white-egg omelets, 8 hours of "rack time," every night, and no drinking.


"Dude, you will not believe how shitty this episode is gonna be."
"Do I have dialogue?"
"A few lines. Nothing you can't read off a cue card."
"Fine by me."

These tidbits are by far the best part of the episode, particularly when Dean tries to eat a wrap and says, "What the hell is kale?" No clever retort by Sam, he's busy reading The Fountainhead and trying to make sense of Ayn Rand's worldview.

Sam finds a police report of two torture/assaults in Topeka, with a video of Bad Charlie beating the crap out of a local district district attorney.  They interview the DA...actually, Sam exposits and Dean goes MOC on his ass, crunching his broken arm to get the name of a prosecutor.  Sam stands by and gulps.  Which is pretty much all he does for the next hour, except for reading The Fountainhead and providing exposition.

They get to the woman's house to find Bad Charlie holding a knife to a woman's throat.  Charlie says that Sam is "all good guy code and no bite."

WHAT THE FUCK?  SAM DRANK DEMON BLOOD! HE'S KILLED DOZENS OF PEOPLE!  HE WAS LUCIFER! WHO IS THIS GIANT ROBOT?

She calls Sam a "giant albatross around your neck".  When did this become a trope?


"I get to act all mean and shit!"


Aaaand there goes Sam's last attempt at dialogue.

Sam dutifully stays behind while Dean runs after Charlie. They have the tussle we've seen in the promos, then Charlie speeds off in the Impala. A moment later, a bright yellow car pulls up, and it's Charlie. "What's new, bitches?"  It's Good Charlie!

The three have a drink in a bar.  It seems that Bad Charlie resulted when the Wizard of Oz used the key of Oz to open Charlie up and let her Id go free.  Bad Charlie single-handedly won the war in Oz (oh, for cryin' out loud) blah bah Good Charlie can feel everything Bad Charlie does blah they escaped to our world blah blah key to Oz blah blah blah.  At some point Charlie says something about "we all have a dark side" or "we all have some monster in us" or "Geez, Dean, that Mark is fucking you up". That anvil broke my toes.  Dean, do us all a favor and kill both of them, okay?

Charlie shows Sam how to hack into a guy's bank account somebody drive steel nails into my brain blah blah blah Dean goes to protect guy who's going to be killed blah blah Bad Charlie shows up and convinces Dean to stand thirty feet away from the door while she goes in to "talk" her victim.  Guess what? She slams the door!  She kills the guy!  Dean's retarded!  I don't care!


Dean's thinking her butt's looking mighty fine in those pants.

Yet ANOTHER surviving Man of Letters is somewhere--wasn't there a massacre at some point?  No, I don't remember either.

Blah blah old man is alter-ego of Wizard blah blah broken key of Oz they drive out somewhere old man denies being some old man who is also the MOL/Wizard/Good Guy...old guy shoots himself so Bad Guy/Wizard of Oz has to show up.  Why hadn't this happened before, say, when the old guy cut him using a can opener?

Green light!


This is just in here because Sam looks so damn hot.

Wind blows!  Stuff shatters!  It's going to be EPIC!  THE WIZARD OF OZ IS COMING!


What...what...


You know it's bad cosplay when the headpiece is made out of cardboard

THIS is the Great And Powerful Wizard of Oz?  Some anonymous dick in an embroidered overcoat?  No magical powers?  What?


"Dude, I've got like, this really hella great Goth band--"

Blah blah Sam tied up with magical rope blah blah I have no idea what's going on and I don't give a shit blah  blah.  The only good part is that Dean runs after Bad Charlie and proceeds to beat the life out of her while she dialogues all kinds of bad-guy taunts.  We see Good Charlie writhing in pain when Dean goes MOC on Bad Charlie.  Is it sick that I really, really wanted to find some good screencaps of Dean smashing Bad Charlie's face?

Old Guy gives Good Charlie significant look and points at his gun.  In any other episode this would make the villain kick the gun out of reach, but we're running low on time here.  Good Charlie shoots Old Guy, killing the Wizard at the same time.


Crazed Dean thinks he killed Charlie.


She's still alive.  Which means she'll be back. Dang.

Good/Bad Charlie morph into Original Flavor Charlie.There's a sweet moment where Sam cradles her as she weeps.  Meanwhile Dean looks on doing what he does best, dying of guilt.



Back at the bunker, it's two days later, and the Mark has worked it's most wondrous magic of all--Dean still looks like he's had the shit pounded out of him.  Usually the Winchester's wounds insta-heal, even when Castiel isn't around to heal them.  This is honestly great.  The messed up face adds to his look of guilt, especially when he sees Charlie's equally messed-up face and broken arm.



But!  They've found a book from Tuscany that might lead to important information about the Mark!  Charlie's going to Tuscany to find out what it is!

Say again?

Shouldn't Sam be doing this?  Mad research skills Sammy?  Fighting for his brother Sammy?  But honestly, he's digging The Fountainhead and Howard Roark and the chick smashing the vase because it's beautiful and--


Don't worry, Jensen, we've got a convention in San Pedro this weekend.

Random Thoughts

Now we know what Sam's storyline is: worrying about Dean. Gulping. Standing around.  Meanwhile, Jared's thinking about his sons' college fund.  I can't think of any other explanation.

Felicia Day did a good job playing all three flavors of Charlie.  I was so disappointed when she became the "real" Charlie again, because that Charlie needs to never come back.

Next week: Dean's turned into a teenager.  Hilarity ensues, especially when teen Dean discovers the Mark is a chick magnet.

Screencaps by screencapped.net

Slicing And Dicing: Supernatural Review, S10 Ep10, "The Hunter Games"

Eugenie Ross-Leming and Brad Buckner are fabled as the writers of the worst episodes. (Black woman in dog collar, anyone?) And while this script was no great shakes, the direction of John Badham and the high-powered performances by the cast kept the episode popping along.  The visual aspects were beautifully done.

What was missing was any feeling of resolution.  Still, it was fun.

Disclaimer: My reaction was colored by the fact that I was watching with my husband, who dislikes the show.  However, he was sucked into the scenes with Crowley and his mother, laughing his head off. He wants Castiel's pimpmobile.  He enjoyed the episode, particularly Crowley and Metatron.  Since I loves me some Metatron, this was a truly special occasion.  He was easily persuaded to walk the dog after the show.  I might never recover.

The Road So Far: Kick. Ass.  These segments are always the best part of any premiere or finale, tightly edited, packed with action.  Edited to ELO's "Long Black Road," this gets the main storylines across with a brevity I wish they could manage in the episodes themselves.  Plus lots of cool beheadings and crashes and stuff.

Now: A frightened Crowley runs through the corridor of the mens room castle or whatever. His demons surround him and stab him to death. He wakes up and finds mother Rowena (Ruth Connell) standing over him solicitously. The use of premonitions and dream sequences during the openings is really starting to piss me off. Do they write these solely for the purpose of the promos??

A-Story: Dean and Sam trying to get the MOC off Dean by any means necessary.  First, Castiel brings Metatron (Curtis Armstrong) to the bunker.  It kind of gets stupider from there.

B-Story: Crowley and his mother, Rowena. She is machinating all over the place. Crowley, initially mistrustful, loses 75% of his intellect and trusts her.  I do love that she calls him "Fergus".

C-Story: Castiel and Claire. That's all you're getting out of me. She and her annoying hairdo go off into the horizon at the end.  Please, please don't come back.


"Bye, Claire. I have to get back to my true love, Dean."

My fervent hope for "The Hunter's Game" was for Dean would go crazy and slaughter Claire, thus driving a wedge between Dean and Castiel.  Alas, she lives.


The MOC could probably use some antibiotic cream the way he keeps handling it.

Dean sits on his memory-foam mattress, having flashbacks from the massacre.  Very nice intercutting between now and then.  He looks at himself in a broken mirror (symbolism!).  Then he goes to the main room to jaw with Sam and Cas.  No lore about the MOC, no nothing.  Dean is seriously fucked.

Castiel calls in some favors and an angel named Ingrid brings a hooded figure to him.  Castiel removes the hood, revealing Metatron.  Now, you might think the hood shouldn't be revealed until after Metatron is in the dungeon, so that HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE IT IS.  But that would spoil the reveal!  Jesus Christ, these writers are idiots sometimes.

Metatron, as always, brings the snark bigtime.  When he gets a look at the dungeon, he says, "Is this where you bring the kinky chicks?" Sam, who is not allowed to have any discernible personality, ignores him and chains him up.  He proceeds to grill Metatron, who is ecstatic that Dean is alive and completely out of his mind. "He's gone nuclear!" However, the Scribe of God stops laughing when Sam reveals Dean.  Who is, if you think about it, looking completely out of his mind.  In a quiet, brooding Dean kinda way. Oops.



Metatron needs a change of pants.
Once Dean is in the dungeon, Sam loses all of the good lines. Metatron says the cure starts with The First Blade.  Sam and Dean do a walk-and-talk about why this is a stupid idea, which you know they're going to do because every tv show in the known universe has a character at some point say "this is the stupidest idea we've ever had." I can't remember why Sam leaves Dean alone with Metatron, but he does, and everything goes to shit.  Metatron baits Dean, activating the Mark.  Which is a really suicidal thing to do when you're chained to a chair and Dean has an angel blade.

Does anyone remember in Season 5 when Dean punched Castiel and nearly broke his fist?  No, I don't either. Since then angels have gotten a lot more spongy.  Dean not only beats the crap out of Metatron, he slices and dices.

Sam, who has been hanging out finishing Catcher In The Rye, hears the screams.  He and Cas run to the locked door.  Instead of having spare keys, Sam tries kicking in the door.  Instead of not wasting time by watching Sam kick in the door, Cas blows it open.  Sam restrains Dean while Cas doesn't heal Metatron (buh?) but takes him back to Heaven.


"Say my name! Say my name!"


(I had to put this kid from Episode 1 back in!)


"Listen, man, there is this incredible scene in Catcher In The Rye where Holden--"
"Shut the fuck up, Sam, you know you aren't supposed to have any real dialogue."

They call Crowley and have a meeting in the rain to convince him to get the Blade.  Crowley says no. "Can't we catch a movie? Hang out?"  Hee.  Back at the men's room, Rowena casts a spell to let her spirit find her son.  There's a nice visual of the city below, but then it keeps going and going and going until I thought we were going to end up in Jakarta.

 
Rowena has an orgasm when she sees THIS:


OMG OMG OMG MINE MINE MINE MINE

Damn, that's one fine looking hunk of man.

Back in the men's room, Rowena henchman blah blah blah Crowley finds First Blade missing blah blah blah Rowena kills henchman blah blah convinces Crowley everyone is plotting against him except his dear sweet mother.  Oh, for God's sake, Crowley, you didn't get to be the King of Hell without knowing who your enemies are.  You can't see through the obvious lies your mother is spewing?  It's just...MOVING ON!


No, Crowley's not snorting cocaine.

Sam looks up from Catcher In The Rye and exposits that Cain had retired from killing for centuries, so Dean should be able to do the same thing.  This is demonstrated at the end where, instead of taking out two of Claire's buddies who are trying to kill him, he beats a park bench to death.

The closing scene is Castiel bidding farewell to Claire then running her over with his car.

Random Thoughts:

Beyond carving Metatron like an ice sculpture, was there any forward momentum?


FINALLY, Claire and her annoying hairdo acknowledged that she is looking at her dead father.

If Sam can't have any storyline, can he have good hair?  Please?  I saw some vids from the San Francisco convention and GOOD LORD THAT IS HAIR THAT IS A NATURAL WONDER SHOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING??


Next week: Stuff.  I forgot.  Sorry.

Photograph of Ruth Connell copyright Ruth Connell

Review, Supernatural Season 10, Episode 8, "Hibbing 911"

"Hibbing 911," written by Jenny Klein and directed by Tim Andrews, is a light, entertaining comedy involving an odd-couple of female sheriffs. Kim Rhodes and Brianna Buckmaster have real chemistry as no-bullshit Jody Mills and ray-of-sunshine Donna. 

Unfortunately, the episode also has the Winchester brothers. They are real wet blankets. Honestly, they are useless except to remind us at the end that the Mark of Cain is screwing up Dean. Not as badly as it did last season, but hey, we couldn't have more than a couple of episodes as a crazed demon, could we? I sure could have. Damn, they are boring. They might have been neutered, for all I know. (Note to self: never watch an early season episode before writing one of these.)

 Sam gets knocked out in every fight, the brothers get tied up, they do NOTHING inspired to mess up the monsters. Do they even bother with story boards, or they just xerox the same one over and over? When Sam was possessed by Gadreel, he had some pretty impressive fights, including when he and a demon crashed through a glass door, or when he was thrown into a clothes closet. Now, as I mentioned in my previous review, one punch and he's out. Come ON!! I hate to bring up early seasons, but...BAMF Sam, Research Sam, snarky to his brother Sam, angry Sam...I miss Sam.

Meanwhile, the Mark of Cain seems to have changed its power from Dean needing to kill to Dean needing to rub his arm once in a while and be kind of tense. Honestly, I don't have anything else to say about this episode.

Sheriff Jody Mills arrives at a Sheriffs' Retreat. She doesn't want to be there, in part because she's worried about leaving her former vampire daughter, Alex. One of the best running gags is Sheriff Mills arguing with Alex over the phone about not throwing a kegger in her surrogate mother's absence.

Once she gets there, she is greeted by an overpowering dose of sweetness in the form of Sheriff Donna, first seen last season in "Purge".

Donna's ex-husband, Doug, is also there.  Jody is partnered with Donna for the weekend. Jody can't get over how masochistic Donna is about her ex-husband. They sit at the bar, and Donna looks into the next room, where Doug is dancing with a pretty sheriff. Jody: “Honestly Donna, I just met the guy, but Doug seems like kind of a dick." Donna: “But he was my dick."

When Dean and Sam arrive, in their Fed suits, Jody gives Dean a hug, but saves the real juice for Sam--as who wouldn't?

"Don't mind us, we're contractually obligated to be here."
"But this episode would be so much better if you weren't!"
"Sorry, no can do."

Dean: “How’s Alex holding up?" Jody: “Awesome, already head of the cheer-leading squad." Sam: “Wow, really?" Jody: “No Sam, she smokes grass under the bleachers. But at least she’s not luring men to their deaths."

The plot: a group of vampires (who, for reasons unknown because it certainly wasn't necessary), eat all of the victims' flesh off their bones. What the fuck? Just go with it, if the people in charge don't care, why should I? Even if in the previous episode where Jody rescued Alex from her vampire family, they stuck close to the established lore?

Sam and Dean show up, Donna sees what she thinks is her boss killing someone, they all get caught and tied up in a barn...what? Oh, excuse me, I fell asleep.

Dean frees himself and goes wild on a couple of vamps, and Donna beheads the head vamp, an annoying teenager who's thousands of years old but never learned not to stop whining.

Donna has seen her sheriff friend with vamp teeth. And now needs a change of pants

"Donna, I understand.  I too once needed a change of pants."

 

Sam dutifully lets himself be knocked out by somebody smaller...again.

Meet the world's most annoying vampire

"Oh, crap, the writers think I'm Sam!"

Look! Even when he moves, that hair ain't going anywhere!

"I'm fine! The Mark of Cain isn't screwing with me at all! No, my nose isn't growing!"

"Gee, Dean, well...okay...it would be more interesting if I argued with you, but I'm busy being set decoration."

Random Thoughts

What are they doing with Sam's hair this season? It barely movies! Why don't they put him in one of these beanies he wears off-camera?

Is it me, or are Jensen and Jared barely trying anymore? They must be so tired of doing the same crap every season, even if they're not allowed to say so.


Next week: the midseason finale, wherein we are promised all sorts of awesome stuff. Yeah, right.

Big Evil Comes In Little Packages: Review, Supernatural S10, Ep7, "Girls, Girls, Girls"

This year, "Supernatural" is preceded by "The Flash," the CW's biggest hit, which has three times the budget of the older show. On my DVR, there is always the last minute or two of the Flash. While not as ludicrously funny as last year's "The Originals," it's getting old listening to the sleek eevvilll dude mutter at some creature or another.

This week's episode had many plot threads intertwining. Some let the audience know the show knows the outstanding questions that have been around for a a long time.  The foremost one being, what happens to the angel's human vessel?  Castiel has been in Jimmy Novak--tee hee, I'm twelve--for six years.  This writer has assumed that Jimmy Novak was killed the first or second time Cas was killed in Season 5.  "Like a bowl of chunky soup," as Chuck Shurley described it.  There's a lot of plot in this episode, so to try to stay with me, okay?

 
It's the Shondells - the white girl version!

"Girls, Girls, Girls", written by the estimable Robert Berens and directed by Robert Singer* is first about demons forcing human females into prostitution, and using them to lure clients into signing over their souls.  Berens is particularly adept at writing female characters.  And there are plenty of them, which is a change of pace.

And the episode asks, how fucked up is Dean right now?  Some fans complain that this season the writers don't seem to know what to do about Sam, but I strongly disagree.  In Season 3, Dean's going to hell drove the season.  Since then:

4. Sam drank demon blood; Dean was tormented about his brother 5. Sam turned into Lucifer; Dean was tormented about his brother 6. Sam came back from Hell without his soul; Dean was tormented about his brother 7. Sam went crazy; Dean was tormented about his brother 8. Sam hit a dog and had the dullest flashbacks imaginable, then went through the Three Trials and nearly died; Dean was tormented about his brother (and a flicker of PTSD from being in Purgatory) 9. Sam got possessed by an angel, then was too pissed at Dean to speak to him through much of the season; Dean was tormented about his brother and, well pretty much everything.

I grant you, there are long stretches during the last two seasons where Sam's usefulness to the story was gone and he got Castiel's job of standing around watching the exposition.  And last year he got knocked out and tied up almost every episode.  Huh? Jared Padalecki is so big that if he stood up straight in front of an opponent they'd back away, saying, "Sorry, dude, uh, I gotta--gotta--byee!"  But the guy's got a glass jaw, as they say. One punch to the chin and down he goes.

So why not have Sam being tormented about his brother?  It's a nice change.  Besides, Sam is fun, giving Dean shit as only a little brother can.

THEN:  A series of scenes throughout the series about witches and how their magic involves too many body fluids.  Tiny Crazed Marine!  Angel stuff.

NOW: A young blonde hooker is running down an alley from someone.  Her boot heel snaps off, she grabs it and keeps running.  DUN!!!  Her pimp stands before her, grinning.

 
This is actually Genevieve Padalecki in a blonde wig...don't tell anybody.

She stabs him in the eye with her boot heel.  You go, girl!!  It doesn't phase him.  He snaps her neck.  'Doh!

Sam and Dean sit in a steakhouse.  To my astonishment, Sam has a big ole steak in front of him.  Did he already eat the salad?  Is this out of character?  I'M STARTING A META!  Whoops.  Sorry.

Dean's phone is pinging away.  “Dude, you are blowing up. Who is that?”  Dean attempts to dodge the question, claiming it's “monster stuff.” Sam grabs Dean’s phone and discovers that his brother has a dating app.  There's a picture of Dean, with his real name and location.  Dean, what is wrong with you?  Don't you know that anyone can come in the bunker by now?

 
"Impala 1967..."  Thanks, Jared, I just came.

“There’s like a million messages here,” Sam says, from a woman named Shaylene.  The problems I had with this and the following scene are 1) since when has Dean had to drive any distance for nookie? 2) he's done it with plenty of hookers, and so has Sam.  Thank God you suddenly developed standards in time for the plot device, Bowlegs.  It's a fun, brotherly scene.

Meanwhile, Castiel and Hannah are holed up in the motel room.  They exposit that most of the rogue angels have been rounded up, which begs the question, now what is Cas going to do with himself?  Meanwhile, Hannah strips down and announces she's going to take a shower.



Sorry, gang, this is only gratuitous angel nudity I have to offer this go-round.


"Castiel, are you displeased that I am not Dean?"

Dean is about to do the beast with two backs with Shaylene.  But she's a prostitute.  For payment, she wants Dean's soul.  Not again, Dean groans inside.  When her pimp shows up with the paperwork, the Winchesters are waiting.  "Winchesters," he drawls.  Can they keep a straight face at the table read when an actor says this any more?  Shaylene stabs him.  Dead Pimp worked for Raul's Girls, a whorehouse.  It's forced prostitution, hookers working for souls.  Why don't they use demon hookers?  I don't know.  And where's the demon blade?  There must be a warehouse full of angel blades somewhere.

Raul, sporting a nifty eyepatch, is issuing a command to his minion to beat the shit out of a recalcitrant prostitute (like we need more proof he's scum?).  The door opens, and a small redheaded woman with Morticia Addams eye makeup, in a long black dress enters. "Is this Raul's Gels?" she asks in a thick Scottish accent...hmmmm...

 
I knew there was something fishy about that lead singer...

She's Rowena, a powerful witch who looks to be this season's Big Bad.  Damn.  I had so hoped Dean would be the Big Bad.  Maybe he can be the Medium Bad?  She's awfully tiny to be a big bad.  But wow, she's fierce.  She tosses Raul a hex bag, and he barfs up more crude oil than the Alaska pipeline. His fellow demon smokes out and the host body drops dead.  Answering the what-happens-to-the-demon-possessed side, perhaps?  She leaves with the remaining hookers, and the trio go to dinner at a fancy restaurant.  When the waiter gets snotty, she puts a spell on him.  Instantly, it's a 10-course tasting meal, on the house.  Scottish actress Ruth Connell's performance verges on drag queen.  An extremely dangerous wee drag queen.  Rowena's a flirty sociopath.

She is recruiting for a new coven.  The other two women are eager to join, even when Rowena kills the waiter for what seems to be no reason.

We might have our new Magnus!

Once Hannah is dressed, she starts to check out of the motel but is stopped by her vessel's husband, who addresses her as "Caroline."    She babbles out a lie that she left him for Cas, then gives Cas a big, wet kiss that leaves Cas shaken (and probably with a boner) and her husband devastated.  The angels split.

Sam finds the hex bag and spell on a web page that says "Bind and Purge."  There are a lot of illustrations, which makes it a little odd when Sam says only the witch who created it--Rowena--knows the spell.  It's right in front you, isn't it?

Meanwhile, a big biker demon is tied to a chair in a devil's trap, being doused with holy water by--TINY CRAZED MARINE!  Who, if anything, looks another decade older than he did in his last appearance.  Stress will do that to you.  I'm still wondering if he killed that librarian from "Reichenbach".  Collateral damage and all that.  Not much happens, but we know Tiny Crazed Marine is here and shit will get real.  Only it kinda doesn't.

Caroline, Hannah's vessel, is still in there.  When she saw her husband, she screamed at Hannah that she wanted her life back.  Hannah agrees with the original mission, that humans come first.  To that end, she leaves, and Caroline wakes up in Castiel's arms. "Castiel?" she says.  It must be noted that Hannah is a tiny little angel.  None of the huge roaring and white light that's accompanied all other angel comings and goings.  But it's a lovely image.  (How's Cas's borrowed grace going?  When are we going to see Metatron again?)

 
"It's going to be such a relief not to have a clitoris any more."

After she leaves, Castiel gets back in the pimpmobile.  He takes out his laptop and looks up Jimmy Novak. There are several pictures of different Jimmys (including one of JN as "Employee of the Year") and a picture of Jimmy with MISSING under it.  "Where's the porn?" Castiel wonders.

Rowena and her coven-ettes are lounging at a hotel when two demons show up to drag them to Crowley.  Who, in an earlier scene, is aggravated that Raul and Demon #2 opened a brother to collect souls.

Demon #2:  "Raul said, your decree last month, soul deals way down after the war with Abaddon?  He said that you were looking at proactive and out of the box strategies to get numbers back up."
Crowley: "So you and your half-wit pal threw me into the sex trade? I'm evil.  That's just tacky."  Hee.

Demons come to drag Rowena and her coven-ettes to hell, but the Winchesters show up.  Rowena puts a spell on the blonde woman that turns her into a human attack dog.  Dean runs after Rowena while Sam locks Pit Bull Blonde in a closet.  Dean catches up to Rowena and puts the gun to her head, while the other coven-ette runs away--

"Put the gun down, Deano."  It's Tiny Crazed Marine.  That line alone made me want him to die.  Dean puts down the gun, the witch scrambles out of there.

First, Dean tries to make nice with Cole, saying he's not a demon any more.  And that Cole's dad was a monster.  Doesn't work.  Dean and TCM go at it.  Honestly, Travis Aaron Wade looks ridiculous in a fighting crouch, in part because then he barely clears Jensen Ackle's belt buckle.  Lots of punching and kicking guns out of the way.  For me, the best part was this:



Tiny Crazed Marine is bested.  But Dean is the better (?) man. He hands Cole his own gun, and proceeds to give a speech.  Cole's father was a monster, which ate human livers.  Dean has never seen such a monster before or since.  That sounds incredibly lame.  I was hoping Tiny Crazed Marine would yell, "My father HATED liver," take a shot, miss, and then get knocked out.  But no, he stares at Dean with big, teary eyes, with "I wuvved dead Da-Da" as Dean goes on about how he went into the darkness and was brought back by "people who loved me." But "I'm past saving," he goes on.  Sam gives Tiny Crazed Marine--Crazed No Longer--a pep talk about family.  Staring at Dean, he says, "You family needs you. Whole."  OUCH!  Fucking anvil.  Cole gets into his Hummer and drives off.

What?  A guy spends his entire life on a quest for vengeance and gives it up because of a teary smear of self-pity and a pep talk?  WHAT?  Farewell, Tiny Crazed Marine, we barely knew ye.  He's going home to one pissed-off wife.  "Now that your quest for revenge is over, you better get a damn job!"   There's a possibility he'll be back, either because he realizes how lame that scene was, or he turns into the same never-before-seen monster his father was.

After the break, Sam asks if Dean meant that part about being "past saving."  I hope so, but I know Sam disagrees with me.

Crowley is taken to the witch, who has been tortured.  Rowena is hanging by chains, bloodied but just as nasty.  "Are you the King of Lilliput?" Crowley stares at her. She goads him,  "Cat got your tongue?" and meows.  It's great.



Crowley says, "Mother?"   AND into credits!

Next week, Sheriff Jody Mills and a new partner join Sam and Dean for "Hibbing 911."

Random Thoughts:

I loved the phone scene.  But honestly?  They both look a little old to be doing this. Marie was on to something.

Sorry I slagged off Rowena in "Soul Survivor."  She's a welcome addition.  Crowley is going to be soooo whipped.

Also sorry that Hannah is gone.  I didn't care one way or another whether or not she and Cas hooked up.  The less angel war, the more badonkadonk, the better.

*After 10 years, how do you "direct" an episode?  Is it just pointing and nodding your head by now?

Screencaps by homeofthenutty.com Gifs by spnfans.tumblr.com