What We Did On Our Winter Vacation, Part Two: Snakes and Stripping

As our vacation recedes from my memory, I know I have to keep writing before it vanishes altogether!  Not only that, the hideous low temperature had me longing for those beaches again!

We went to a street fair. I thought it would be the usual boring tents, so I left my camera in the car.  (I don't know how to download photos from my phone.)  MISTAKE!  There was a phenomenal tent for Matthews Wildlife Rescue. He seems to be a one-man operation with volunteers.  Based in Bradenton, he specializes in rehabilitation and pest control.  He had a variety of animals on display, including a huge owl.  He re-nests fallen chicks (apparently the "human smell" is a myth).  When he found this owl chick, it had a broken wing.  He nursed Marvin to health, and now he's the owl's "mother".  There was a big sign, DO NOT TOUCH THE OWL.  Its claws have 300 lbs. of crushing power.

There were, of course, a number of other animals on display.  These are taken from his website, since I DIDN'T BRING MY GODDAMN CAMERA.



This iguana jumped off the table when a snake was given lettuce. Justin put it back on the table and gave it some lettuce.  It was tethered to the table.  What was great to see was how easily he handled the animals.  He showed us a tiny screech owl.  There was a picture of a fawn who can't handle being in public.

For me, the best was a HUGE, movie-sized python.  For $5, you could hold the snake.  I love snakes, so I ponied up.  He moved my hair, then placed the snake across my shoulders.  I was holding its head in one hand, and Justin told me to keep him away from my face.  The snake twined around my right leg. One woman was virtually screaming, her hands over her mouth.  Here's a funny website photo.  You can't really see how big the python is.  Have to say I had tight shoulders, and have a fuckton of python on my shoulders was really pleasant.



It's actually bigger now.  The woman who was freaking out was saying, "How can you touch that thing?"  Jeff doesn't like snakes, but not to that extent.  I would urge folks reading this to send donations to Justin Matthews.  He does presentations for schools, teaching kids to respect animals.

Jeff went into this incredible shell store to buy a gift for his sister.  The owner was an old coot, who took me through dozens of shells.  There was a family with a large beaded dragon lizard on the son's shoulder.  He put the dragon on my shirt.  "If he shits on me, I'll have the honor of wearing dragon poop," I said. 

We went to a wheatgrass stand.  Jeff loves the stuff.  I tried some, and proceeded to have a toddler-level attack of EEYUW BLECH!  I ran to a fudge stall and wolfed down several samples.  Then I had to buy a package of maple fudge (go ahead, twist my arm).

From there, we drove to a St. Petersburg beach.  The water was PERFECT, and there was a swimmer in the ocean.  I started tearing off my clothes, the way I had in Miami a few years ago, when I raced into the ocean in my bra and panties.  Jeff sat on a blanket, trying to figure out what he'd tell the police.  This time, he came racing down the beach, yelling "You promised!  You promised!"  So I put my clothes back on, and bust out crying.  It felt like wanting a drink, that's how intense it was. 

But the air was too cold, we had no towel.  Thank God, Jeff started laughing and put his arms around me when we walked back to the car.  As he said the other time, "you are never boring".   I couldn't stop crying.  I wanted the ocean.  Thank God our hotel had a pool. Next installment sooner, I promise!!!

What We Did On Our Winter Vacation: Treasure Island, Florida

Sorry, gang, I kept attempting to write this, but I had so many other things to avoid work on I got sidetracked.  Then yesterday I edited pics for my FB album.  I'd made a rough list before we left of what we had done, otherwise it was going to be all a sort of blur with palm trees.  Like a Jimmy Buffett concert.  And don't think we didn't have to listen to a lot of poor bastards singing "Margaritaville" in the ensuing days.

We flew out of Newark, NJ to Tampa airport on Thursday night, December 13th.  As always with planes, I was drugged out of my mind on xanax and some kind of anti-psychotic.  I react very badly to anti-psychotics.  This one caused "heavy sedation". BINGO!  I don't remember a damn thing, although I'm told that while waiting for the plane we ate pizza and cheesecake.  I actually bought a coat specifically to go to and from the airport! It was 50% off, dammit.  Long, cobalt blue, with a fake fur collar and cuffs.  I felt like Ginger Rogers until I took the pills.

We picked the Bilmor Resort and Hotel, specifically because of its cheesy 50s vibe.


(I didn't take this picture, as you can probably tell)

It's on Treasure Island, an island part of the city of St. Petersburg.  The area is mostly a long strip of hotels and bars.  We didn't care, because our main goal was to do lots of lovely nothing.  We achieved our goal. The hotel faced the Gulf of Mexico, and there was the biggest public beach I have seen in years.  It was about half a mile to the water!


(I didn't take this picture, either)

We got another handicapped room, which had a peephole at crotch height, presumably for folks in wheelchairs.  Remember, my crotch is higher than most peoples'.  It was on the first floor at the quiet end of the hotel, and had a back glass sliding door onto a little "porch."  Also a screen door, so we could open the door in the morning and let the breeze in.


Me, the morning after we arrived.  At least I'm not drooling.





Jeff on our "porch"

Every morning this guy had to rake the sand between our hotel walk and the slight rise to the palm trees.  Every single morning, he came out with a rake, raked the sand sideways, and then in perfect lines perpendicular to the walkway.  After five minutes people would come out of their rooms and wreck it.  One morning Jeff gave the raker $10.  The man was flabbergasted.

Honestly, we were both exhausted and emotionally spent.  The temperature was in the 70s, not as hot as Jeff wanted.  But back home it was 21 degrees and stormy, which made him feel better.  It was so wonderfully luxurious to lounge in those white sheets, no deadlines, no animals, no anything.  We'd agreed not to talk about anything.  And I do mean anything.  Just be in the moment and enjoy ourselves.  This worked beautifully.  The trip was more romantic than I could have dreamt, but if you think you're getting any details, don't worry. 

Jeff spent hours on the "porch", reading.  We didn't have a computer and our cellphones were packed away.  Bliss.

We had bought breakfast food to eat in the room, but Jeff had a craving for Waffle House.  It always hits him when we go anywhere near down South.  We walked through an uber-touristy area called Johns Pass.  Every other store had a name like Tiki Surf Shop, Seashell Jewels by Nyota, or Shore Clothtique (I kid you not).  The bars were often either tiki or mariner themed.  One nearby was named It's Five O' Clock Somewhere!. 

Most nights we ate at the hotel restaurant, Sloppy Joes, where we watched the other patrons get sloppy drunk.  The food was excellent.  Almost all of the fish was fresh.  I will never like fish tacos--they are a food abomination--but Jeff loved them and ordered them at almost every meal.  Sloppy Joe was represented by a picture of Ernest Hemingway, which I never understood.  The patrons were probably all too illiterate to know who Hemingway is. ("Is that the guy with a million cats around his house or something?")


"Wasting away, today, in Margaritaville...thanks, remember to tip your servers"

We spent all of Saturday around the hotel.  This time there were two poor bastards singing Jimmy Buffett, one at Bazzie's, the breakfast restaurant at the other end of the hotel (and later in the evening, a sad deserted bar), and another guy at the next hotel
 down, the Thunderbird.



The only thing we had scheduled in advance was dinner at Berns, a storied steakhouse in Tampa. About which more later.


The Gulf side of the Bilmor. 

There had been a sand sculpture contest two weeks before.  Also about which more later.

Jeez, I can't believe I wrote something personal on this thing again!

This Just In! Jensen Ackles's Inner Monologue During An Interview

This silly little piece was inspired by this interview, a promo interview in October, where Jensen keeps bobbing up and down in his chair, chewing gum, and looking distracted.  Quotes from the beginning slightly paraphrased.  The entire interview is posted below.  For those who don't know, this is a genre of fan fiction known as Real Person Fiction.  There is also Real Person Slash...glurk.

Jensen: "Dean is keeping a secret from Sam as he is wont to do."

Jared: "An angel embodies Sam, which is a fun, scary thing to do."

******************************

Jesus, here we go again. Jared's all excited about the “fun” he has playing multiple characters. I have to pretend to be excited about Dean. Dean’s doing bupkes. Yeah, yeah, on an island, nobody to help out—now he’s blabbing on about meeting Death, being ready to die—don’t worry about bro, I’ll be sitting over here. What? Someone’s asking me a question? Me and Cas?

We’re talking about Cas’s journey. Great. We start out with me, and then, boom, Cas. Cas Cas Cas. Back to Ezekiel. I wish this was over. I can’t even fake being interested right now. I'm tired. We've been shooting since 5 this morning.  I wish this was over and I could go back to the set. Dean is keeping a secret from Sam. Again. Dean is fucking up. Again. Dean throws punches. What season was it that I got to go to hell? That was something to get my teeth into.  

There goes Jared again with the multiple characters, the challenge... That Psych sticker is peeling off. Maybe I can peel it the rest of the way off. Nah, too far away.  Bugs me, peeling like that.  I'm hungry.  If my stomach rumbles during this interview, we're fucked and we'll have to do it all over again.

Jared plays angels, Lucifer, Soulless Sam, demon blood Sam, Meg Sam, Broken Brain Sam...is that all the Sams? Dean feels like shit. Always with the feeling like shit. I’ve got crying and feeling like shit and freaking out and loving my brother down cold. Is it so much to ask to writers to give Dean something else to do? I’m a professional actor, goddamnit. Throw me a bone, guys! Man, I miss Purgatory. That was fun to play. And Benny. I miss Ty. But then, yeah, the trials, Sam does the trials, Sam gets sick, and I get trying to talk my brother out of doing yada yada yada. Jared got all the critics creaming themselves about the trials and what a great actor he is...oh, did someone ask me a question?

(Answers question about the set)

I’m acting now, that’s for damn sure. When it this going to be over? Can’t stand doing press. If only y’all knew what I was thinking right now.

 

OMG, You Killed Kevin! You Bastards! Supernatural Review, 9x09, "Holy Terror"

Let's see if I can get through this review without crying.  Even though there plot holes you could walk through and more destruction of canon (something you can always count on with the unholy duo of Eugenie Ross-Leming and Brad Buckner, who wrote the egregious "Taxi Driver," which bent canon until it broke). All the same, this episode left me inconsolable.  Which was not helped by trying to explain what happened to my husband: "Kevin the prophet was killed, and Sammy is possessed by an evil angel and now there's going to be an all-out angel war--" That sentence more or less sums up the episode.  Although it left my husband baffled and annoyed he hadn't been able to watch football instead.

The teaser is a religious chorale group of women in white dresses slaughtering a biker group.  Each is from a different angel faction.  Yes, once again there are angel factions ala Lucifer/Michael and Castiel/Raphael.  This go-round it's Bartholomew vs. Malachi, corporate vs. crazy. 

Malachi tries to broker a truce so that they can all take on Metatron.  Bart's assistant blows him off, Malachi announces, "and so it begins," and they slaughter Bart's angels.  Guess what, gang, it's Angel War time! AGAIN!

Dean and Sam/Zeke arrive at the crime scene, only to find Cas, natty in blue suit and tie, already there. I adore human!Cas.  "Cas is back in town!" he announces, so delighted with himself.



"I can actually take this suit OFF, bitches!"


Seriously, I need this scene in.every.episode.

They discuss Battle of Heaven 3.0, now with new location and new redshirts.  Zeke gets a bug up his ass and leaves.  Dean hurriedly explains that Sam is possessed and lies to Cas, saying they have to keep at arms' length.  Meanwhile, Zeke goes outside and meets--wait for it--Metatron!


Would you buy a used car from this man?

Metatron gives us the big reveal, which really is a surprise!  Zeke is not Ezekiel! His real identity is Gadreel, and here I'm going to quote from the Bible, the Book of Enoch: And the name of the third is Gadreel; this is the one that showed all the deadly blows to the sons of men. And he led astray Eve. And he showed the weapons of death to the children of men, the shield and the breastplate, and the sword for slaughter, and all the weapons of death to the sons of men.

Metatron has gotten bored being alone in Heaven (presumably he forgot to bring his massive library) and has decided: “Plan B: Rebuild Heaven as the place God envisioned it, only with a hand-picked few. No more anemic functionaries like Bartholomew. And no more stupid angels. Maybe some funny ones.”

Gadreel has been imprisoned since before the dawn of time.  When the angels fell, even the imprisoned ones fell.*  Gadreel feels he's God's fall guy, and he wants to redeem himself.  Metatron knows he's dealing with a guilt-ridden dumbass who's been lying since he got here--no, not Dean--who has no experience with humans other than the Winchesters.  Which would be catastrophic for anyone.  Really, put a cageful of lab rats in the back seat and they would have committed suicide within six months.

Like Cas with Crowley, Gadreel is gullible as all get-out.  He's one of the "stupid" angels.  The major difference is that Crowley counted on Castiel's hubris, while Metatron is counting on Gadreel's utter lack of self-worth.  Metatron offers to make the angel his second in command.  Gadreel promises to think it over. (I wish his name wasn't so close to Gag Reel.) Meanwhile, Cas is in a hotel room.  He's only been prayed to, so he doesn't know how to pray.  This leads to a great montage of Cas trying different body
positions to pray in.


When did Cas learn yoga?  Has he been taking classes?

This images in this post are Cas-heavy, just because he gets the best shots.  Dean, Sam and Kevin (AAAAAH!  KEVINNN!) are mostly shown walking around.

One of Bart's church ladies shows up to recruit a prayer group.  She exhorts them to open themselves to the angels, as trails of white light swirl over their heads.  But before the poor redshirts can go to glory, Malachi's angels murder all of them.

T
Too bad.  You should have been doing drugs and having sex like the other kids.

In answer to Cas's prayers, a neutral angel wearing a small blonde park ranger meatsuit shows up.  But before they can say more than exposition, Malachi busts in and grabs them back.  Back at the bunker--who gives a shit, it's TORTURE TIME!


Malachi's the skeevy guy to the left. Not the skeevy guy in the back.

Malachi wants intel on Metatron.  Cas insists he knows nothing.  They kill the park ranger angel.  Malachi tells of all of the angels who died in the fall, including Ezekiel.  When Malachi leaves Cas alone with his torturer, the angel drops the menacing act and says he wants to join Castiel and Metatron in the New, Improved Heaven.  Cas pretends that he's in with Metatron after all, gets the angel blade, slices the angel's throat and takes his grace!  BAMF!


And Dean didn't know that Cas would swallow!

Ho-KAY, the snap you heard was another piece of canon being broken.  WTF?  If Cas can become an angel again simply by sucking down some other angel's grace, why didn't he do it before now?  Huh? And why has his human arc ended so abruptly?  Oh, right, they need the angel ex machina back again, never mind how great the arc was.  Kinda like Purgatory.  Remember Purgatory?  Dean's PTSD?  No, I don't either. Cas burns the now-human angel's
 eyes out.


Castiel is officially no longer fun.

Back to his angel-grim face, Cas finds a phone booth and calls Dean.  He lets him know that Ezekiel is not Zeke, but Gadreel.  Then for someone reason, Cas says he's gotta go.  You think I keep track of all of this?

Metatron and Gadreel meet.  Gadreel wants to be second in command.  Oh, you poor dumb bastard. To prove his loyalty, Gadreel must "neutralize" the person whose name is written on a piece of paper.


There goes your redemption, buster.

Dean frantically wakes up Kevin and tells him they need a spell so that they can shut down the possessing angel and talk to the possessed.  When Kevin asks him why, Dean says, "Trust me."  Kevin responds, "I always trust you...and I always get screwed."  Okay, I'm choking up now.

Dean gets Sam in a storeroom where Dean has painted a sigil on the wall.  He smacks it, and Sam looks bewildered. “I’m gonna tell you some stuff fast. It’s gonna piss you off.”  There follows a beautifully intense scene where Dean tries to explain what he's done to a shocked, angry Sam.  Dean's trying to explain before Gadreel comes back.  Sam knocks him unconscious.  It's not Sam he's been talking to. When Gadreel walks out, Kevin starts to ask if Sam's noticed that Dean's acting strange lately and...and...oh crap I can't even describe it...



Dean becomes conscious and walks in on this.  Gadreel flings Dean against a pillar and forces him to watch.  Kevin drops to the ground, dead, his eyes burned out.  If you think I'm going to put a picture of that in here...I started crying looking at the damn screencaps. 

Gadreel explains that he overheard Dean and Kevin, and smudged the sigil.  "I think I played Sam quite convincingly."  With that, Gadreel picks up the tablets, puts them in a duffel bag, and heads out.


"Sam's no more." 

WHAT? Dean drops to the ground and looks at his dead friend.  Poor Kevin, his life as a prophet was the worst.  No friends, no girlfriend, forced to study and come up with spells for the Winchesters around the clock...and killed.  All of Dean's lies have come back to bite him in the ass.  Not, eat him alive. Staring at the body, Dean says softly, "Kevin? Kevin?" and breaks down in tears as we go to black.

 

Supernatural will be back January 14th.  Until then, I'm going to watch reruns of "The Big Bang Theory" so I can keep from killing myself.

* Michael and Lucifer did not emerge, because they are trapped in the Cage in Hell, along with Adam.  Who?

Dean Gets Laid, Sam's Still Screwed: Supernatural 9x08 Review, "Rock And A Hard Place"

Shit, I can't believe it's been a week since I saw the show!  First there was Thanksgiving, then doing stuff and things.  I rewatched it this morning so I could slap up a review in time before tomorrow night--WHEN I HAVE PLAY TICKETS.  But enough about my personal hell--let's do the show!

"Rock and A Hard Place" marked an epochal event: my husband sat through an episode with me.  You have to understand, this is a man who won't even call the show by its name.  Who expects me to know every baseball player in every team since the 1950s, but who can't be bothered to learn who Sam and Dean are.  Not only did he sit through it, he laughed his ass off.  Kudos to writer Jenny Klein and director Johnny MacCarthy. Two things that made me a  happy girl:


JODY MILLS!!! 


TACKY MOTEL ROOM! PLAID WALLPAPER!

This was another standalone episode (4 out of 8 so far), and another attempt to recreate the feeling of old-time Supernatural. There's a MOTW taking people, the guys go on a traditional hunt, the beast is vanquished, and Dean is left with his soul-devouring guilt at his brother's plight.  Was it only Season 3 that Dean wasn't suffering soul-devouring guilt about Sam? 

"Rock And A Hard Place" was funny as hell, and if the MOTW didn't turn out to be very frightening, who cares?  Dean finally got laid again!  (Somewhere, Cas is weeping quietly.)

The first thing that jumped out at me was that there were so many women in this episode!  Of course fandom: "stereotypes! One-dimensional! Non-con!"  Oh, shut up.  You want deep, watch "Breaking Bad."

First, they reintroduce the wonderful Sheriff Mills (Kim Rhodes--she's real and she's spectacular), who calls the guys when people in a small town in South Dakota go missing.  It's great to see her again!  Mills has gone back to the church to find "comfort", the way Sam and Dean do in each other.  As Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles said in this interview: "Comfort each other? They push each other, they lie to each other, they kill each other--[comfort],that's fanfiction." Heh.

Second, in a twist on the typical opener, a young woman closes a restaurant late at night and gets snatched by a being covered in blue fire...and doesn't die.  Or fade into the wallpaper. Honor is thrown into a hole and lands on a table, breaking her leg.  Nonetheless, she is brave enough to go through the tunnels of the underground cavern she wakes up in, only to find three other townspeople who'd gone missing.  Honor doesn't lose her cool, she doesn't whine, she keeps it together when the one man in the group freaks out.


"Get it together, you pussy."

The missing people are all part of a "purity group" at a local church.  After meeting with Bonnie (Lindy Booth), the perky leader of the purity group, Sam and Dean sign pledges that, in effect,re-hymenates them. “Congratulations, Sam and Dean Winchester. You are both virgins.” Much to Dean's glee. What a horndog.


"God loves you.  And my panties are damp."

At the purity group meeting, one woman wants to read a poem, "God Is A Racquet And His Ball Is In Your Court," but is told to wait.  The "purity counselor," Suzy (Susie Abromeit), is a hot blonde who looks familiar to Dean.  Sam admits he has a...bad history...with women.  Dean starts out with a sappy story about one-night-stands, but can't help himself and goes into a lengthy description of hot sex.  The women in the group melt as one, including the poet crumpling her poem as Dean describes orgasm.


Orgasm or bad gas?  You be the judge!

Much to Sam's horror,  he sees Dean offering to walk Suzy to her place.  He is going to hit that or die trying.  Dean and Suzy go back to her place.  He is happy happy happy.  Which is so much fun to see.  Horny, happy Dean!  How we've missed you.  Dean checks out her butt when he sits to pray with her, agrees to read a crapload of books on chastity, and when she's out of the room, finds out why he knows her: she's "Carmelita" starring in the Casa Erotica picture "Cabana Nights."


Check out those maracas!

Suzy left town and changed her name.  But keeping her porno DVDs? Mixed signals, anyone?  Some folks in the fandom went all cray-cray about "consent" "rape" because Suzy and Dean get it on, cabana style.  Dean has only praise for her work.  She's his "good dreams." She's an artiste.  The man has so few pleasures in life, and for once he's not confusing reality with porn.  Reality is porn!  “The things you can do. The scene with the tacos. It made want to join a mariachi band just to be near you.”  The entire scene is played as a bad porno, down to speaking Spanish and the cheesy background music.  When I mentioned to my (disclaimer: feminist, liberal) husband that some people had, er, issues about this scene, he stared at me in bafflement and said, "It was funny!"  Word.

After having sex, Dean and Suzy are swept away--but not by each other, by blue fire.  By the way, did anyone else have a problem with the monster's fire looking like Sterno?

Meanwhile, back in Plaid Land, Sam and Jody have discovered that all of the people taken were people who had broken their "purity pledge."  Vesta, a Roman goddess who needs virgins to tend to her, kills them and eats their livers.  Boy, it's hard times for non-Christian deities on Supernatural.  They head to Suzy's place, where they find wreckage and the Casa Erotica CD.  "I think I know what Dean crossed off his bucket list," Sam says.

In the underground cavern, Mr. Girly-Pants has a hissy fit that they have to feed Honor to the monster.  Meanwhile, his fiancee is so thirsty she scratches the walls until her nails break and bleed.  Then she sucks on her bloody fingers!  YEEEEK!  I love you, Show, especially when you make me want to puke. Dean and Suzy are plunked down with the others.

Instead of an abandoned warehouse, this time Sheriff Mills and Sam find a deserted farm, which must have been owned by a psycho during the Cold War, because who else would have an underground bunker under his cattle? (Note: the sign Suzy brushes the dirt off is a Bomb Shelter sign from olden times so I'm actually right.)  Dean somehow gets a ladder and a pair of scissors and tries to screw Suzy a little screw on the top.  But before Jody and Sam get him out, they're attacked by Bonnie, who is VESTA!  She's a screechy girl with a blue finger.  The weapon of choice is a stake dipped in virgin's blood--but Vesta stabs Jody in the chest with the stake!  GACK! At this point, I was dreading Zeke popping out yet again.  Instead, Vesta sees that Sam is dead--as in physically dead--inside.  His liver is useless.  While her head is turned, Jody pulls the stake out of her chest and stabs Vesta!  Kick.  Ass.

Back in Plaid Land, Sam wonders if he's just fucked and that's how it is.  Somehow, nothing anyone has said to him  (should I get out the laundry list?) has made a dent in Pre-Law Boy's head.  Nor has his brother telling him whoppers and acting as guilty as a labrador with a bone pulled out of the garbage.  Dean decides to fess up, but sho' nuff, Zeke pop out and threatens to leave Sam.  At the end, we are once again treated to Dean being devoured by self-crushing guilt, topped with helplessness.


Don't worry, Dean, we are all done with this crap.

And now for your gratuitous angel nudity.



Here's my best guess for tomorrow's episode.  To no one's surprise, Ezekiel isn't healing Sam--he's killing him!  Because Sam is a vessel!  Didn't see that coming, did you?   Nah, you probably did.

I Spent All Day Doing What?

Writing an SPN review.  Re-watching the episode, looking up and watching an interview, taking a break by accidentally eating two lunches (now I know what I'm having for dinner...nothing).  Went to therapy, did about 10 minutes proofreading the paperback version of "The Abortionist's Daughter."  Jeff's reading it and likes the book!!  I took it with me to therapy so I could proofread on the bus back.  My therapist was a bit surprised at how thick it is.  How many pages it is.  Get your mind out of the gutter.  For those of you intimately familiar with my writing, you know I don't do short and sweet.

Recovering from last night's "Walking Dead."  I'm fine with waiting until February, but did they have to kill Herschel? I stayed up until 1 AM.

Thanksgiving was quiet.  The first everything that happens after a loved one dies is so difficult.  First Hanukkah, first Thanksgiving, first wedding anniversary.  So we skipped the family dinner and went to our favorite diner.  Yesterday we rented a car and went shopping.  Then we discovered the third S1 disc of "Breaking Bad" had only ONE episode on it!

Fletcher, Cleo and Rupert are all staring at me. Rupert, my big gray cat, is yowling.  So off to feed the animals and then watch a recorded episode of "Hoarding: Buried Alive."

 Feed me, or this toy is toast.

 

I've got work avoidance down to an art, I tell you.

Watcha Gonna Do? Supernatural Review, 9x07, "Bad Boys"

What is with this "this recap contains spoilers" crap?  It's a recap. Grow up.  Where was I?  Oh, yes, this review contains spoilers.  The fan police are bitching.

There was a teaser there would be an "enormous revelation" of Dean's past this season.  As revelations go, this was pretty ho-hum.  Written by Adam Glass and directed by Kevin Parks, "Bad Boys" went for the feeling of earlier seasons.  Flashbacks wove in and out of the MOTW story.  Sadly, this episode was formulaic and didn't bring anything new to the table.  But it offered one of the grossest murders of the season. And a scene with a bully and a lawnmower that had me peeking through my fingers. (Spoiler alert: he lost his.) AND it was Zeke-free. The "enormous revelation" was that as a youth, Dean gambled away the food money, stole peanut butter and bread for Sam, and got caught.  The police officer brought him to Sonny's Home For Boys:


Is this place licensed?  And did the sign come from "The Andy Griffith Show"?

Dean gets a call from Sonny, who runs the boys' home, a working farm.  Sonny knows Dean's a hunter.  There's a ghost haunting the farm.  A worker at the home, Jack, was run over by a broken tractor inside the barn.  Actually impaled against the door, with the bloody spikes sticking through, dripping with gore.

Sam is, of course, gobsmacked that his brother was at a reform farm and nobody ever told Sam.  Dean blows it off as no big deal, and he agreed with John to lie to Sam (what's new?). "None of it was Dad's fault," Dean says.  Oh, really, Dean?  I'll just sit here and grit my teeth, you codependent moron.

John Winchester told Sam that Dean go lost on a hunt.  For two months. On the one hand, I have a problem with the idea of Sam not freaking out and at least something being really wrong around that time.  On the other hand, their lives were nonstop nightmares so perhaps this was just a blip on the radar. Several young actors have played Dean on this show:



This one                This one             But not this one

For obvious reasons (the third photo above), SPN has never cast an actor as pretty as Jensen Ackles is. At my high school, he would have had his ass kicked ever day. I had a problem accepting Dylan Everett as Dean:



In part because he has brown eyes and doesn't look like Jensen Ackles.  But, he nails the character (Everett watched 5 seasons and then spent a week watching Jensen...you can't get much more dedicated than that).  And he's wearing the SAMULET!  MEEEEGGG!  Oops, excuse me, every time a strangled scream is required MEEEEGGG comes out.  As written, Dean is 14, and the episode makes soooo much more sense if one keeps that in mind.  How strange is it when your fanwank has to be the way the episode was originally written??

John, once again winning the award for Abusive Bastard of The Year, says Dean can "rot in jail." Sonny takes him in instead, being a decent human being and a terrific father figure.  He's an ex-con who wants to prevent boys from going down the bad road he did.  Unlike JOHN ASSHOLE SELF-CENTERED DICK Winchester.


"Dean, have you considered becoming an emancipated minor?"

While at Sonny's, Dean makes friends at school, joins the wrestling team, and meets a girl, Robin. She wants to get out of town and travel the world. He wants to become a mechanic.  "Fixing them is like a puzzle. And the best part is, when you’re done, they leave and you’re not responsible for them anymore.” We know you're not talking about the Impala, Dean. 

Then, Dean and Robin engage in an awkward first kiss.  This didn't play at all if Dean was supposed to be 16, because by 18 in "After School Special" he was nailing cheerleaders like a carpenter.  But if he was 14...sigh... it would play so much better.

In the present, Ruth, the housekeeper, tells Sam that before Sonny bought the place, it was owned by a couple, Howard and Doreen. Jack worked for them at the time, and Howard was sure he and Doreen were having an affair. Howard got drunk and killed Doreen.  Jack got away, and Howard always swore revenge on Jack. He died in prison last year, and that's when the strange noises, flickering lights, and sudden chills began.

The boys go salt and burn Howard's corpse, but we already know who the real threat is:


TIIMMMAAAY!

I mean, look at this kid!  He's creepier than Bud Cort! (10 points if you get that reference.)  He does have a funny cape action figure called Bruce The Monster Smasher that says "I clobber evil." Jack yells and beats the boys.  He dies.  A kid bullies Timmy.  He loses his hand in a lawnmower.  My absolute favorite murder is of the housekeeper, Ruth.  There's really no reason for her to die except the show kills her in a really cool way!  Strangled by a living shower curtain while the radio blasts "Ave Maria" at top volume!  It was  so horrible I was barely able to watch.  Kudos, Supernatural.  I watch "The Walking Dead" and that doesn't gross me out nearly as much. 

Speaking of which, in the attic of the barn, Sam finds (Contrived Alert!) a drawing on the wall of a crashing car, mama and son:

Which, oddly, looks like this:
(This is a map drawn by a little girl, and "Nick" is her favorite zombie.)

Turns out Timmy's mom was killed in a car crash and his mother, now a blue-eyed charcoal briquette, is "protecting" him.  Grown-up Robin, who happens to be in the house to give Timmy a guitar lesson, gets caught up in the chaos when Timmy's mom goes Beetlejuice on them.


Now that's what I call a cheap Halloween costume!

The best moment is burning Bruce on the gas stove, whose "I clobber evil" repeats slower and lower several times, to hilarious effect.  Then, as Crowley would say: salt ring blown through blah blah de rigeur choking of the brothers blah blah blah.  Dean tells Timmy to man up and tell his mother to scram.  It's supposed to be touching when Timmy assures her he'll be okay, and she turns into her beautiful self and heads off to the afterlife.  Seeing this same scene with minor variations every week is getting on my nerves.  Come on!  When one of the best torturing of Sam and Dean is in the Racist Witch episode, in which the witch forces them to relive their worst memories, you know the sadism department is seriously running out of ideas. When it's all over, Sonny says that Timmy will have to do "some adjusting."  That kid will be strung out on heroin by next Christmas, I promise you.  Dean and Robin say goodbye.


"I'm so happy I did what my dad wanted!"


"I want to stab myself in the face."

The last scene is so damn heartbreaking it made me forgive the contrivances and foregone conclusions that went before.  Dean is getting ready to take Robin to his first-ever school dance.  He looks adorably goofy in a short tie and baggy shirt.  Sonny comes in with bad news.  John is outside in the car. There's a job.  Seeing the look on Dean's face, Sonny offers to stick his neck out and convince John that Dean should stay in the only healthy environment he's ever known for his entire life.  Dean looks out at the car and sees 9-year-old Sam in pajamas, playing with a plane.  Despite crying, Dean breaks into a wide smile at seeing his brother.  He refuses Sonny's offer and goes back to his family.  Better the living hell you know...


"Sorry, Sonny, but I have to let my dad continue brainwashing me."

In the present, Sam says, “Dean, thank you. For always being there, for having my back. I know it hasn’t always been easy.”  It's not only lovely to have Sam recognize what Dean has given up (and given up and given up) for him, and for Dean to know that,  and we also get THIS:


No gratuitous angel nudity needed, thank you.

Right now I'm fanwanking that I grab Jared in a flying tackle and we land on the grass and...spoiler alert!