Stuff and Nonsense: Review, Supernatural 11x2 "Form And Void"

When last we saw our heroes, Sam was locked in a closet with a black veiny monster virus and Dean driving Teen Sheriff and Killer Baby to Teen Sheriff's grandma's house. The brothers lie to each other about how everything's fine.

What they don't know is that Killer Baby eats souls and then grows older, like the Amazon teenager in Season 9, was it? And possesses cute little girls.

"A new leader for Azazel 's demon army has risen in the west. Her name is Lilith."

Oh shit, wrong season. Doesn't matter, Amara does the same crap.

Note to self: don't watch the good episodes of Season 4 before writing one of these.

NOW:

Sam captures another rabid guy with an elaborate trap and tasers him. Why he didn't simply wait behind the dumpster is beyond me, but it's still pretty cool.

Sam

Sam takes him to the hospital and chains him up. When rabid guy demands food, Sam tosses him pudding. Buh? Pudding? Why wouldn't the guy demand blood and guts? Rabid guy embarrasses himself by eating the pudding in a rabid way with his fingers.

Sam is apparently doomed to eating hospital food with his bare hands. Watch out fish sticks, nobody is safe!!

By far the best part of this mess is Sam being smart. Why does he go back to the hospital exactly? Oh, to get the touching scene we've seen in the previews of Sam praying. Go nuts in the comments, the best parts in "Form And Void" involved Sam being proactive rather than standing around gulping. Dean has the less interesting part, although Jensen Ackles does his best. He's mostly given reactions to situations, which is frustrating. Let the guy do what he does best.


"This is the most relaxing episode I've had in years."

Although he definitely gets the best lines including his description of The Darkness: “Who knows what was in that giant, crazy fart.” Hee!

Amarra the Soul Eating Baby From Beyond Hell goes full The Exorcist, placing blocks in the wall that say "Feed Me".


Thought this shot was more interesting.

Teen Sheriff calls Dean to come back. Grandma calls in a priest: Father Crowley. Again, revealed in the promo. When he and Dean recognize each other, Crowley remarks, "Dean was a rather scrumptious young altar boy." Oh yeah, I bet he was.


Dean has flashbacks to being caught without his robe

Crowley's shown up to check out Amara: “We have no idea what ancient, world-shattering evil we’re dealing with, but go right ahead, let him know we’re coming.” He and Dean have a cosy chat. Nice going, King of Hell, we thought you were all evil again, but here you are being Dean's bestie.

Teen Sheriff's soul has been eating by Killer Baby from Beyond Hell. So she's killed Grandma and is now breaking her china collection. Remember how much fun Sam was without a soul? Not a senseless killer, but smart. Somehow whoever steals souls on this show, whether it's Baby From Beyond Hell or Abbadon, the victims turn into killers without higher reasoning skills. Whatever. Crowley kills Teen Sheriff.

Then Crowley claims he's no longer Dean's sidekick. All he does is throw Dean into a closet and vanish. Oh Crowley, ye of little threat.

Meanwhile in the hospital, Sam has a vision, which of course involves blood and screaming. He finds Billie, a reaper who from some reason is the new Boss.


"I'm here so the fans quit bitching about the whiteness of the cast."

She says, "You are unclean in the Biblical sense."

UNCLEAN IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE? UNCLEAN IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE? HE'S BEEN UNCLEAN SINCE THE PILOT! HE WAS PURIFIED BY GOD. GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU LAZY SLOBS.

Could someone tell me what the point of torturing Cas other than to give him a plot?


Misha Collins ponders whether his residual checks from past seasons will pay for his new Mercedes.

Why is Castiel's curse so lame? He warns his brothers, but not much happens. Okay, he busts the chains off the chair while making "arf" noises, but then it's the usual angel blade fighting we've seen dozens of times. Hannah in her wonderful new body shows up, but is quickly dispatched.

Now THIS is going crazy!

Note: do NOT watch if you don't have a strong stomach!!!!


This is what Rick in "The Walking Dead" does when someone threatens his family.  He tears your throat out.

Come on, Cas, tear somebody's arm off! WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS? Oh right, torture porn. The angels spout some dialogue we've heard about Cas and the Winchesters, dozens of times, and slash at Castiel. By the way, there is a ton of screaming in this episode along with the torture porn.

Sam is seeing blurry which means the end is coming (does anyone care what happened by rabid guy? Not me). He staggers to the nearest laptop and discovers the cure is holy oil.


  Look! A horse's butt! Nice horse's butt, at that.

Does anyone remember when holy oil was, well, holy? And hard to find? No, I don't either. He roasts a marshmallow doused in the stuff, applies it to his shapely neck--Virus-Be-Gone! He traps another three zombies rabid people in a circle of holy fire and they're all cured. It's not explained how they'll be able to make a circle of holy oil around the entire town, but honestly I don't care.


 
"Hello, I'll be your designated evil little girl this season."

At the end Lilith little girl Amara comes to a limo, where Crowley steps out and invites her in, offering as "candy" a family tied up. Sam and Dean return to the bunker to find Cas on the floor. They forgot about the warding a few seasons ago, so why not? I bet the maid accidentally scrubbed it all off.

Random:
An angel can cure himself of being shot and stabbed, but can't cure psoriasis?
Since everybody can get into the bunker now, how long before they find squatters?
How soon does Amara become a hot chick so she and Dean can bang each other?
How soon do Amara and Dean bang each other so that Sam can give Dean a lecture?
Billie The Reaper has a lovely voice.

Next Week:

I forgot. Rowena shows up in a blonde wig. Is she more powerful than the witch who patched together Crowley's meat suit? We'll never know.

The Walking Darkness: Supernatural Review, S11 Ep 1: "Out Of The Darkness Into The Flame"

So, fans were wildly excited for the Season 11 premiere of Supernatural.  As you know, I wasn't expecting much.  And I got it.

The producers said it would be like The Walking Dead, but they didn't say how much it would be like The Walking Dead.  It was, but not in a good way. "The brothers are together again!  Season 1 feel!  New evil like none of them have ever seen!"

"New evil"?  Um, isn't that most seasons, except maybe Season 5?  Carry on.

The Road So Far: "Run To The Jungle" plays over the montage of last season.

Now: Dean's in a dark swirling cloud.  Through the cloud, he espies a babe, a brunette with tumbling brown hair, fashionable dress (didn't get to see the shoes) and, curiously, bra straps.   She turns and gives him A Look.

Seriously bad CGI



Bra straps? A bra?  They had brassieres before God showed up?

As a woman, I can understand why being imprisoned since before the Dawn of Creation in a bra would be incredible torture.  Looks like she had access to pre-Dawn copies of Vogue, too.



"Good evening and welcome to the Darkness.  I'll be your designated evil babe this season."

Sam wakes up alone in the Impala, fetchingly bruised and bloodied. Damn, he looks hot.  He finds Dean, they do some exposition.

This is just here because I have such hots for Jared Padalecki.

NEW TITLE CARD!



It's the Season 1 title card, with some smoke.

Back To Now, With Occasional Visions

Time for the low-budget version of The Walking Dead!   The brothers walk down the road, spot a road crew--all dead.  Family in a car--all dead.  Since this show doesn't have nearly the $$$ of its predecessor, there's six or seven dead people.  A guy with black veiny stuff on his neck comes around from the back of the vehicle: "Stop!  We'll shoot!" Guy keeps coming.  Oh, shit, a ZOMBIE an infected guy who's pretty pissed.  Doesn't make any cool noises, just looks pissed.  Down he goes, shot from behind.

A pubescent girl sheriff with amazingly blue eyes pops up from behind the police car armed with a shotgun.  We last saw her as the Alpha's child in Season 7, "There Will Be Blood".



"I'll be menstruating by Season 11!"

She orders them to "show her some skin".  While I scream with delight, the brothers pull open their collars (just their collars?).



This show can be such a tease. Excuse me while I lick Sam's neck.

It gets a little tricky.  I only watched the episode twice.  And it didn't keep my attention the second time around, so there will probably be mistakes.  Somewhere early on the sheriff anvils, "I thought this job was saving people."  Welcome to Supernatural, little girl.

Another of Dean's visions: Darkness feels more peaceful than she has in a long time, she purrs seductively.  Oh for God's sake. Peaceful?  What was she doing all these eons? Turns out she has a little Mark of Cain on the left shoulder.  Duh-duh-dun!

I always picture Colin Ford in the gag reel whenever I write that. I miss Colin Ford.

Meanwhile, Teen Sheriff 's been shot, so they take her to a hospital to stitch her up.  When they get there, the receptionist is dead.  Out the boys go to Baby's Trunk O'Stuff, and excuse me for saying a loud FUCK YOU to the ever-deceitful CW PR monkeys:



This is the best promo image, and of course it never happened. Not enough $$ to blow shit up.

They come back with weapons and find more dead people, and lights flickering on and off.  I expected to see two metal doors chained together with DON'T OPEN DEAD INSIDE but that probably would have gotten the show sued.

The main thing I wish they had ripped off taken from The Walking Dead is the gore.  All of the dead people are so tidy.  Pools of blood, yeah, but how are they killed?  Bitten?  Shot?  Bitchslapped?  How?

Something that jumped out at me--no, not a zombie--is that Dean killed Death and the Darkness doesn't know what Death is.  So why are people dying?  Shouldn't they be popping back up again?

Dean sews up Teen Sheriff while Sam stalks a rabid guy trying to break the door to the janitor's closet with a fire extinguisher.  Pretty smart zombie infected guy.  There's a baby crying on the other side of the door.  Sam, shoot him! Come on, man, there's a baby's life at stake!  Fortunately for everybody, the zombie rabid guy conveniently drops dead and Sam frees the hostages, a baby and her father.  Lori died but Judith's still alive--

Shit, wrong show.

Mother's dead, baby's alive.  The father is infected.  He hands off Judith the baby to Teen Sheriff.  By the way, there's a later scene where she diapers the baby because she's a gurl.  Didn't Dean become an expert at this stuff in Season 6? "Two Men And A Baby"?  Oh, forget I said anything...

Dean has more visions of the Darkness, but really, they're boring and the crappy CGI bugs the hell out of me.  She murmurs: “We’re bound, Dean. We’ll always be bound. You helped me, I helped you. No matter where I am, who I am, we will always help each other.” 

Dean's all for blasting their way out of the hospital, but Sam gets misty-eyed and says they've gotta change, stop doing the same stuff. Once again they've busted the world, and Sam loooooooves his brother:



And he'd do it again. Despite that meaning that millions will die, Sam says: “This kill first, questions later, what happened to us? Hunting things, we’re good at that, sure. We’re great at that. But that’s only half of the bumper sticker, man.”

Bumper sticker? Okay, cute little meta joke.

This is all undone by the end of the episode and we're back to where we always are.  Dean didn't tell Sam the full extent of his conversation with the Darkness; Sam didn't tell Dean he'd been infected. Wow, way to change-up, Supernatural!  Dean goes off with Teen Sheriff and Sam stays behind.  The usual ignoring things-go-really-bad-when-they-split-up trope.

Father turns zombie rabid, hands off baby saying, "her name is Amara," and drops dead.

MEANWHILE:

Cas is under an attack dog spell, although he's a very well-mannered puppy.



"Once I kill Crowley my blood lust will subside and I will gladly fetch a stick."

A kid finds him in an abandoned cabin.  Cas warns, "Don't make me hurt you!"



Looks like that pink-eye is clearing up.

But of course he won't.  The attack dog has enough control to barrel out of the cabin into the nearby woods, without killing the kid or his brother and father.  It would be such fun watching Rabid!Cas being part of The Darkness and wreaking havoc.  Naw, too interesting, let's just have him captured by angels and probably tortured next week with the Angel Headpiece of Doom on.

Crowley's more fun because Crowley's always more fun.  While Castiel was busy puncturing him like you puncture a steak before you stick in the garlic cloves, Crowley smoked out and possessed a woman's meatsuit.  "She" enters her house to find her husband and an extremely eager couple waiting for her to have an orgy.  It's the best scene in the show.  It ends badly for everyone but Crowley.  When his demons come to fetch him (they've patched up his meatsuit so that Mark Sheppard can keep working) one minion says, “You barely escaped assassination, you’re arguably on the run from the most powerful witch on Earth, not to mention an angel of Heaven. And you didn’t call for help until after the orgy?”



This woman is old enough to have menopause?  Fuck you, Supernatural.

Turns out half of Hell is "freaking out" because screams came from the Cage. Michael? Lucifer? Adam?  Congratulations, show, you got me to watch next week.

Like everyone stupid enough to lock themselves in a janitor's closet, Sam is Not Alone.



"Oh, no!  I've turned into the woman at the beginning of most of our episodes!"

A zombie infected person in nurse's scrubs attacks him.  He slits her throat and she bleeds all over him.  A group of zombies infected people go for him. But then they sniff, and walk away.  He's infected!  Cool!



Oh God, I'm dying of the sexy

Somebody says at some point, "the baby eats souls."  And wouldn't you know it, Amara has a teeny-weeny Mark of Cain on her shoulder!  Some poor woman pushed out The Darkness!



"Get that bottle away from me and gimme your soul!"

That's all I can remember.  Can I take my nap now?

RANDOM:

They give Zombie Infected Nurse the loud clacking teeth sound that The Walking Dead uses.  Without the actual big teeth and bloody face.

Crowley gets laid more than any of the other three leads.

NEXT WEEK:

Sam gets bloody...and shirtless. And there's other stuff.

So...Supernatural Season 11...Welp...

As you can see, I skipped reviewing the Supernatural Season 10 finale because it was such a godawful crap fest I couldn't be bothered.  The Darkness?  Seriously?  My expectations for Season 11 are extremely low.

So.  I've seen the trailer and the photos of the new female cast member.  Color me deeply unimpressed, even angry.  And hurt in a strange way.  I've been watching this show for the past few years, and caught up on the first few seasons, and all I can say is:

Seriously, guys, are you even trying?







But the Darkness emerging was so scary!


Oh, wait, that's the beginning of Season 3. 

The Darkness engulfing Baby was REALLY scary!


Shit, that' s Season 6.

Wait, wait, there's an embodiment of evil in the shape of a young woman!

   
Damn it! This is Eve, Season 6.

 Uh...hmmm...

 There's a Lizzie Borden episode!

 I should have known when Bruckner and Ross-Leming were in the trailer.



Source for strip at the top

Duck Dynasty: Review, Supernatural 10x21, "Dark Dynasty:

Eugenie Ross-Leming and Brad Buckner continue their soul-destroying run of terribly written episodes with "Dark Dynasty," sloppily directed by Bob Singer.




Basic rundown: Sam lies to Dean about book.  Actors with bad Southern accents have dumb conversation laden with "menace" that somehow reminds me of those cheap little cheese n' crackers you get at Gas n' Sips. Cut (literally) to the chase - the Dark Dynasty is the family of--dun dun dun--FRANKENSTEIN!

Oh, for fuck's sake.


Sam feels your pain


Can you believe this cheesy plot?
If we're German, why do we have these terrible Southern accents?


Because Bob Singer is pussy-whipped

Sam lies to Dean, gulping and twitching and holding up small signs that say, I'M LYING YOU IDIOT COULD I BE MORE OBVIOUS.


His lies are so bad they have flattened his hair

While Sam is conveniently in another room, one of the Frankensteins tells Dean the Book of the Damned is indestructable.  Jensen Ackles tries to look like he cares.


Wow, man, I'm destroyed inside.  Or not.

Aside: every time I hear it, Dean shouting "Charlie has the damned Book of The Damned?" it gets funnier.  And more annoying.  Couldn't they have left the first "damned" out?  Oh, wait, Eugenie Ross-Leeming and Brad Buckner.

Sam has gathered Rowena, Cas and Charlie into the Abandoned Brewery of Doom to crack the code of the code of the code of the Book of the Damned.  Rowena is the only enjoyable part of this, so I'm going to skip the rest.  Might as well tell you now, Charlie ends up dead.  No real reason.  She just ends up dead.  Robbie Thompson sobs in the corner.  But, you know, executive producer's wife.  So there.


One of us is gonna die, and it ain't gonna me.
They're saving you for the season finale.
Well, shit.


Rowena realizes that she's an older woman and an interesting character, so she's probably next.
Well, shit.



Meanwhile, to give Mark Sheppard something to do, Crowley talks to a hamster and learns that his mother had a demon lover  I mean whatever who cares how are you going to shoehorn that into the next two episodes maybe it was that Nazi necromancer that got away two seasons ago the dart thing is funny.

For no other reason than to get killed, Charlie needs to be alone.  Rather than wait until Cas does the obligatory leave-the-room-while-someone-escapes gambit (already done once in this episode) to chain up Rowena elsewhere, Charlie bolts to a motel.  The Frankensteins find her, she uploads a file and presumably sends it to Sam, they break down the door and...


Dean's grossed out.  I'm too busy thinking about how hot Sam looks with wet hair.


So, that happened, as the kids say.

This plot was like a huge pile of cafe chairs badly stacked up.  Strange metaphor, but I've seen piles of cafe chairs so I know what I'm talking about.


Jensen echoes my feelings

Twitter explodes, FEELS all over the place.

Random thoughts:

Those Microsoft Surface product placements are getting out of hand.

The Frankensteins caused the plague?  Seriously?  Seriously?

We need Lucifer to show up and bitch-slap some sense into the family.

And why wouldn't Crowley know about them?  Haven't any of the Stynes shown up in Hell over the last few millenia?

Where does Rowena go to the bathroom?  And what was up with that tiny piles of bones on the table that were never referenced again?

Will Charlie come back as a Frankenstein-type monster?  That would be cool.  Or an evil spirit that Rowena turned her into?  Bueller? Bueller?

Next week: it's the penultimate episode, there's 10,000 badly laid out side-plots, Dean is still too reasonable for anyone to be that concerned about him, and stuff will happen all over the place.

I Carry A Badge - Dragnet 1969 Fan Fiction (NC-`17)

Written for the "Come As You're Not" fiction challenge.  The challenge was to write for a bizarre fandom.  I picked "Dragnet 1969".  You can't get more bizarre than that.  NC-17, 'cause it's funny.
Characters: Joe Friday, Bill Gannon.  POV: Joe Friday.

Officer Bill Gannon, Sergeant Joe Friday.

This is the city. Los Angeles, California. It’s a nice place to live. We try to keep it that way. But there are rapists, murderers, thieves. Every 60 seconds a crime is committed. That’s where I come in. My name's Friday. I carry a badge.

(DRAGNET THEME)

It is Tuesday afternoon. Then we get the call: a 163 in progress in Yuma City.
3:10, Yuma City. My partner Bill Gannon and I arrive in an unmarked car. By that time the perpetrators have fled.
Gannon: “Well, looks like we have an afternoon on our hands.”
Friday: “Let’s keep an ear on the scanner.”
3:30, Yuma City. The scanner reports routine crimes. Purse snatching. Marijuana bust.
Gannon: “You know, Joe, there’s been something on my mind.”
Friday: “Yeah.”
Gannon: “How ‘bout we have sex? We don’t have to bring the car back until 6:00.”
Bill is right. The car is due in the police garage at no later than 6 p.m.
Friday: “You know a motel?”
Gannon: “Yeah.”
Friday: “Hourly rate?”
Gannon: “It’s cheap enough. Don’t care who you are. One thing.”
Friday: “Yeah?”
Gannon: “Don’t let the wife know.”
3:45, Yuma City. We check into the Yuma City No-Tell Motel.
Clerk: “You want a single room?”
Friday: “Yeah. With extra towels.”
3:47, Yuma City. Officer Bill Gannon and I check into room 317. We draw the shades. Gannon puts the police scanner on the bedside table.
Gannon: “Well, Joe, here we are.”
3:49, No-Tell Motel. Officer Bill Gannon is stripped down to his underwear, revealing a Caucasian male, 5 foot 10 inches, approximately 195 pounds, with a distinctive birthmark on his right hip. I undress in an leisurely manner, so as to not let Gannon know that I am eager.
Gannon: “You use the police gym, don’t you, Joe?”
Friday: “Twice a week. Looks like you could use it a few times.”
3:51. Officer Bill Gannon proceeds to kiss me. He needs a shave. Gannon puts his arms around my waist and continues his osculation.
Friday: “Good kissing.”
Gannon: “Thanks, Joe. How about some tongue.”
Friday: “If that’s what you want.”
I put my tongue in Gannon’s mouth. From his facial expression I deduce that he feels pleasure. So do I. There is an erection in my briefs, indicating sexual arousal.
Gannon: “You want me to suck that?”
Friday: “No. Lie on your stomach.”
Gannon: “Whatever you say, Joe.”
4:15, No-Tell Motel. Officer Bill Gannon lies naked on the left-hand twin bed. I lubricate my penis, which is still erect.
Friday: “You showered?”
Gannon: “Yeah.”
4:17. I lower myself until I am perpendicular to Officer Gannon. I insert my right forefinger into his anus. He responds with what again sounds like pleasure. We have done this many times. I put the lubricating fluid onto my penis, then push into him. It feels good.
Gannon: “Joe, that’s great.”
Friday: “Yeah. Scream like a girl.”
Gannon: “You got it.”
As ordered, Officer Gannon proceeds to scream like an underage female as I slide in and out of his anus. I increase my speed, until he is arching himself under me. I sit up on my knees and hold Gannon’s hips for maximum penetration. I proceed to pound him with alacrity.
Gannon: “Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe”
Friday: “Who carries a badge?”
Gannon: “You carry the badge—Joe—badge—yes—“
4:26 p.m. Officer Gannon ejaculates. I continue my motions until I, too, ejaculate.
4:31 p.m. No-Tell Motel. We stay in the motel room and share a cigarette.
4:40 p.m. No-Tell Motel. We have sex again. Gannon is always the bottom.
5:02. It is time to return the car.